Page 34 of Offsides

She gives me a disgusted look. “Seriously, dude? YouTube exists, you know. I'm sure I can figure it out. I'm a fairly intelligent person, after all. Plenty of people learn to put on makeup. I'm just getting a later start than most.”

Rolling my lips between my teeth, I bite back a grin. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out without any problem. And I’m looking forward to seeing the results.” I’m rewarded with a wide smile. While I wish that things had gone differently to begin with, I can’t complain about where they are right now.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Dani

Watching makeup tutorials on YouTube has completely changed the recommendation algorithm. Though, to be fair, I’m not entirely upset about that. It’s funny though, because if you’d told me even a couple of months ago that I’d be doing this, I’d have laughed in your face.

It’s definitely been enlightening, though. I’ve discovered that I have hooded eyes. Who knew? I don’t know, maybe everybody else knows things like that about their eye shape. But I sure didn’t. And so my first attempts at using eyeshadow were lackluster at best. And I already feel dopey about the fact that I’m just figuring this out at twenty-one years old when it seems like everybody around me has known all of this for years. Or at least all the girls I know, including my younger sister.

I eventually reach out to her for help. I’m home alone, so none of my roommates are available. I chose to do it this way on purpose. I know they’re one hundred percent supportive, but I still feel silly. I’m halfway dreading the first time I leave the bathroom with a full face of makeup, because I know they’ll comment. But I also know that their comments will all be complementary. So it’s a mixed bag.

At least with Anita, I can just text her. Which means that I don’t have to listen to whatever teasing she might have decided to do over the phone. But it’s hard to know which YouTube tutorials are the best. There are just so many, and it gets overwhelming quickly. A few of the ones that I watched clearly expected the users to have a basic amount of knowledge and skills that I do not have. I needed something for a complete beginner. And I need someone to send me some good videos to help me figure things out.

When I was having trouble getting my eyeshadow to look like the tutorials, I sent her a picture out of sheer frustration. She responded with a link to a video about different eye shapes. And from there I was able to find tutorials for my specific needs. The results have been much better.

Eyeliner is a little bit more tricky. But after a few rounds of trial and error, I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. At least enough that I don’t think I look ridiculous. I’m glad I went ahead and got the bronze eyeliner. It’s more subtle than the black, which is just too much for me right now. Maybe someday I’ll be comfortable rocking those dramatic eye makeup looks I found pictures of online. But that day is definitely not today.

My phone alerts with an incoming video call, Anita’s name showing on my screen. With a smile on my face, I hit the button to answer. “Hey, Anita. What’s up?”

She makes a derisive sound. “Please, Dani. You don’t think I’m going to send you a whole bunch of makeup tutorials and not expect to see the results do you? Now go stand facing a window and open the blinds so I can get the full effect.”

Laughing, I follow her orders, opening the curtains in my bedroom to let in the weak afternoon sunlight. I hold up the phone, making sure that it’s close enough to my eyes so she can get a good look. I blink rapidly, like when cartoon characters are acting flirty. “Well? What do you think? How’d I do?”

She’s silent for a moment, studying my face. Then she lets out a satisfied hum. “Well done,” she says at last.” I never would’ve guessed that this is your first attempt at makeup. You did good, kid.”

I laugh again, this time at her goofy choices of praise. “Thanks. You sound like Dad, though.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s what does it for you, right? That kind of praise?”

That stops me short, my mouth open. “Ummm, I guess?”

She snorts. “Please, Dani. That was basically the driving force behind your whole high school career. Everything you did as a teenager was to gain Dad’s approval. You started lifting weights because it was something he wanted you to do. And when he heaped on praise, you did it even more. You started competing because it got you more of his attention. And it got you more of his praise when you did well.”

She leans her chin on her hand, her face thoughtful. “Of course, the flipside of that is that when he was disappointed, you became horribly depressed. Now it also drove you to try even harder to win his approval. But fortunately you realized that he was using his disapproval as a spur to make you push yourself harder and harder and harder. I hated watching you kill yourself for someone who’d dangle their approval in front of you like a carrot that you could never ever reach. I’m not sure what made you choose Marycliff over Michigan, especially considering the fact that Dad wanted you to go there and your boyfriend was going there, but I’m so glad you did.”

Her words slam into me, a series of repeat and unintentional slaps to the face. I blink quickly a few times, no longer trying to imitate a flirty cartoon, just processing everything that she’s just said. “What—what are you talking about?”

Her face mirrors my own surprise. “What do you mean?”

“About Dad using his disapproval to make me work harder. You really think he was doing that on purpose?”

She tilts her head to the side. “Don’t you? It was one thing for him to be disappointed when you didn’t do that well, especially when you both thought that you could do better. But didn’t you notice that he was starting to act disappointed even when you did better than you did during practice? He always acted like you are never good enough. I figured you realized what he was up to, got sick of it, and decided to do your own thing. Didn’t you?”

“Ummmm …” I’m honestly not sure what to say to that. Because while I did decide to do my own thing, it’s not for the reasons Anita thinks.

“Dani? I mean …” She lets out a strained chuckle. “If that’s not why you went to Marycliff …”

Sighing, I close my eyes and shake my head. “That’s not … I mean, kinda? I did pick up on the fact that Dad was pushing harder and harder and harder, and I got sick of it. But I didn’t realize that he was doing it to manipulate me.” And looking back over all the things that Anita described, I can see that she’s right. My feelings toward my father have been complicated for a while. This just adds a whole new layer to that.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly after a moment. “I thought you’d put that all together years ago. I mean, I figured you stopped competing to make it impossible for him to keep manipulating you.”

“No, I…” I shake my head. “No. I just got tired of him pushing. I never really enjoyed competing anyway.”

Anita sits up straighter, her face blank with surprise again. “Seriously? You didn’t even like it?”

An incredulous laugh shoots out of me. “No,” I state emphatically. “Not at all. I hated all of it. I hated the way he restricted my food when I was cutting. I hated the way he made me eat so many things that I didn’t enjoy when I was bulking. I hated bulking all together, because it always meant a strict cut was coming my way, and it was always so miserable eating the most boring foods and being hungry all the time.”

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