Page 35 of Offsides

More than that, I really hated the way he’d always treat me. The disappointment. The inevitable disappointment after every single event. And it only got worse over time. Now that Anita’s connected the dots, I can see exactly when and how and why it all felt so horrible so much of the time.

Would I have enjoyed competing if we’d taken a more reasonable approach? If my dad hadn’t tried to micromanage every aspect of my training and my life? One of the best things about coming to Marycliff was that he has no connections here and no real ability to manipulate me any more than I let him.

When we were still in high school, he liked to use Luke to help pressure me into doing things. The two of them together teamed up to get me to start working on my Olympic lifts, even though I was only entering powerlifting competitions. When I balked at Dad hiring me a separate coach for Olympic lifts, he got Luke to work with me instead. And since Luke was my boyfriend, I was more likely to go along with it since he presented it as a fun thing we could do together.

And to be honest, I actually did enjoy doing those things with Luke. Luke didn’t berate me like my father did. And since Luke wasn’t a real coach, Dad couldn’t pull the whole,I pay for your services so you have to do what I want,schtick that he did with my other coaches.

So maybe I would’ve enjoyed competing if I had a normal dad.

Eli brought up competing yesterday. It’s funny how the universe seems to be pushing this at me right now. Maybe I should give it a try again.

Everything in me revolts at the thought, though. My heart immediately starts racing, my stomach twisting into knots at just the thought of starting a serious training regimen to get competition ready.

Nope. Not going to do that. That is not my idea of a good time. Maybe it could’ve been, but it’s been ruined. Possibly forever.

“Um, well …” Anita starts, grimacing at the camera. “Sorry for bringing things down. That wasn’t my plan. I just wanted to see your makeup. I have to admit I was really surprised to get that first text from you. It always seemed like you hated makeup and hair and anything girly.”

I give a rueful chuckle. “Yeah … we can thank Dad for that too.”

Anita grimaces again. “Ugh. I never understood why he was so down on all of that stuff. I didn’t get why he made you hate it too.”

“He wished I were a boy. So he did his best to make me the son he never had.” It’s a painful admission. Some part of me has always known that, but I hadn’t ever put it into words until Eli and I went shopping.

“What a dick.” Leave it to Anita to sum it up so concisely.

I can’t help laughing at her assessment. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re finally figuring out that it’s okay to wear makeupandbe into sports.” She makes a sweeping gesture with one arm. “The world is your oyster,” she declares dramatically. “You get to do whatever you want. You’re young. You’re beautiful. Now go out and find a guy who’s not a dick. You deserve a dude who’s not a douche after putting up with our dad and then your douchey ex-boyfriend for so long.”

Laughing more, I shake my head. “Thanks, Anita. I appreciate all your help and your words of wisdom.”

“My pleasure.” She smiles and waves at the camera. “You can call me anytime you like. Not just for advice about makeup. I miss you.”

I give her a warm smile in return. “Miss you too, Nita. I’ll talk to you later.”

After we hang up, I close my curtains again and flop back on my bed. The last few days have been challenging in a way I didn’t expect.

I never would’ve dreamed that simply deciding to wear some makeup would be a catalyst to reevaluating my entire adolescence. Not just my adolescence, actually, because it started even earlier. My dad did his best to do all the things he wanted to do with a son starting when I was a toddler. And it may have started out with the idea that gender doesn’t actually matter, that little girls can play sports too.

But it took a darker turn at some point, and he began to actively discourage me from doing more traditionally feminine activities. If he found me playing with dolls or when I said I wanted Barbies, he made sure to give me Army men and action figures instead.

I’m not sure if he just didn’t bother to do the same things to my little sister or if she rejected those substitutions, but for whatever reason I was the one he chose to make this way. Or maybe Anita has always felt inferior as well and just decided she didn’t care about his approval. Whereas I chased after it like a drug.

Coming to college has been like some kind of extended detox. And I finally have the strength to resist the temptation, knowing that the high is so temporary and only rarely achieved.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Eli

I’m working on some biochem homework at the kitchen table, the remains of my dinner on the pushed aside plate across from me, when the front door opens, and Jackson comes in.

Surprised that he’s by himself, I set my pen down and sit back in my chair to stretch. “Hey, man. Are you on the outs with Autumn? Or is someone sick?”

Chuckling, Jackson pushes the door closed and takes off his jacket. “Nah, man. Everything’s fine. No one’s sick. She just had some stuff to take care of at home.”

My eyes narrow, and I lean my forearms on the table, examining him for any tells as he folds himself into the seat across from me. “‘Stuff to take care of,’ huh?”

Jackson chuckles again and shrugs. “That’s what she said. It’s Autumn, dude. You and I both know that she answers to herself before anyone else. If she says she needs to do something on her own, you think I’m going to try to get in her way? Or quiz her for details?” He leans his elbow on the table and holds up a finger. “If she’s being vague, it’s either because she doesn’t want to share or she thinks I’ll be too weirded out by it. Either way, I’m not too worried about it. I don’t know why you would be either.”

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