Page 29 of Reckless On Ice

“So, what do I do in these photos and videos? Kiss a dude?Because that’s going too far for my image,” I tell her seriously.

Her freckled nose crinkles as she laughs like I’ve made a joke. “Oh, God, no. I mean, not unless you wanted to.” She looks at me quizzically, trying to decipher if she could convince me before shaking her head. “For the videos, we’ll give you scripts about how important Outlanta is and why the Hydras have partnered with their organization, and we’ll do a shoot with you in the Pride Night jersey. They’ll be game-worn when we finish the online auction, and we’ll have them signed by all the players. We’ll do all the B-roll shots for socials and make sure our team has what they need to tease it.”

That sounds easy enough. “I don't have to talk to the media or anything, right? Just the photos and videos before the game?” I ask, needing to know exactly what I’m getting into.

McKenna’s smile falters slightly before she renews her look of excitement. “We have a few interviews set up specifically for this campaign because it’s so important to us. They’re highly controlled, and I’m vetting the questions so there won't be any surprises. It will beso goodfor you, Ryder,” she gushes, trying extra hard to sell me on something she’s already roped me into.

I sigh. “Fine. But this is the last thing I’m doing,” I threaten, hoping she’ll take me seriously.

Her smile flattens like she’s trying not to laugh because we both know I’m at the whims of the organization for the foreseeable future. But someday, I’ll have made it past this bump in my career, and they won't have so muchto hold over me.

“Of course, Ryder. I’ll email you the details for the shoot. See you tonight for the game.” McKenna flutters her fingers in a little wave, turns, and bounces away while I’m stuck, thinking about this Pride Night thing.

As I leave the arena and head for the hotel—which is really fucking weird to not leave for my place after living in Boston for almost ten years—I pull my phone out and text Knox.

Ryder: The Hydras want me to be the face of some Pride Night campaign we’re doing. I don’t know how to do that.

He texts back faster than expected. Probably because he doesn’t have a life.

Knox: Are you asking me how to represent the gays? Because I’m the last person you should ask. Hello, in the closet, remember?

Ryder: No! They’re taking photos and videos, and have this special jersey we have to wear. But I have to, like, be an ambassador for it or something. I don't know how to do that. I’m better at sticking my foot in my mouth and saying shitty things than I am talking up an organization known for their work with at-risk youth and the LGBTQ+ community.

Knox: It’s easy. You just let people lovewho they want to love and don't say shit about what people want to do in their bedrooms.

Ryder: Obviously there’s more to it than that, dumbass! Like, how do I show support without, you know, coming off as gay?

Wow, that feels way too fucking vulnerable to even ask. I don't think I could have said those words to Knox’s face, but typing them in a text is a bit easier.

Knox: …

Knox: Okay, Reckless, let me get this straight. You’re worried about people thinking you’re gay if you participate in a Pride Night campaign or wear a Pride jersey?

Okay, when he puts it like that, it sounds fucking stupid to be worried about it. I also hear the unsaid, “How insecure about your sexuality are you?”loud and clear. I have my reasons for being worried, and he should know this. But maybe he doesn't? I never explained to Knox why I decided it was better to ruin his life than have mine ruined back in high school.

Ryder: Listen, when Commisso started fucking with us freshman year, calling us boyfriends and saying we just needed to come out already, it wasn’t because wewere actually gay. It was just because we were close friends. I don't know why he singled us out. We weren’t doing anything different from any other guys with their friends. But somehow, just the idea that we could be gay was enough to start rumors and torment us. He would have harassed me until I quit hockey. That’s how much of an ass he was and how bad it felt for me.

Ryder: I did the worst thing I could think of to put distance between myself and those rumors, hoping to keep the one thing I had that could pull me out of my shitty life by siding with him and redirecting the hate elsewhere. I don't have to tell you the rest. I was horrible in the name of saving face.

Ryder: What if aligning with this LGBTQ+ organization and being the face of Pride Night brings it all back, and people make fun of me? I don't think I can take it.

Jesus. Fuck. Look at me just spilling my guts out over text these days. First through the Vers app and now to Knox. I feel fourteen all over again, but this time, I’m letting Knox into the inner turmoil of what this is doing to me rather than pushing him out and pointing the ridicule his way to get the spotlight off me. At least I’ve matured a bit this time aroundand am not repeating the same horrible mistakes of my youth. I wait anxiously for Knox's response, but it doesn't come right away. I’m back in my hotel room, pacing by the time my phone pings.

Knox: It comes down to fear. You have to overcome fears to make it through every single day, and you have things that help you get past them. Some fears are so small you don't even notice them anymore, like getting hit in the face with a puck. You wear protective gear and a face mask to keep yourself safe. Some fears are bigger, like flying in an airplane. You probably have coping mechanisms that help you get through every takeoff and landing, otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to travel with the team.

Fuck, he remembered my fear of flying. And he’s right. I go through a visualization exercise on the tarmac before every flight to remind myself that the plane will make it up and land safely, to help with my anxiety. It’s not as bad anymore, but some flights with a lot of turbulence or bad weather fuck with me and I have to repeat the exercises.

Knox: Your fear of what others think about you is another thing you will have to overcome. You’re the only one who can do the work required. You have to remember that it’s none of your business what other people think of you,one, and two, fuck them if they want to judge.

I snort a laugh and flop onto the bed, rereading Knox’s texts. He’s always been so good with motivation and pep talks. He's incredibly positive and realistic. It’s reassuring. It’s sinking in how much I’ve missed this.

Knox: If you’re worried people will think you’re gay because you wear a special jersey and happen to talk about an organization doing good work for others, you’re focusing on the wrong things. Sure, some small-minded people will always say shitty things about anything LGBTQ+ related, but that’s not personal to you. That’s a them problem. Let them deal with it. Hold your head high and know you’re doing something worthy and respectable for people who deserve it, and that’s you standing on business.

Damn. It’s that fucking simple. Let people love who they want to love. Let people think what they want, it’s not for me to know or care. Let people deal with their own insecurities, it’s their problem. Let worthy causes have my attention.

I type out a quick reply that I know can never convey the depth of my appreciation, but it’s all I have.

Ryder: Thank you.

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