Page 40 of Reckless On Ice

Ryder laughs around my cock and the vibration has me gripping his hair tighter and swearing as he continues his efforts.

I settle in and enjoy Ryder’s mouth on my cock, the juxtaposition of his silky lips and the scratch of his beard against my balls as they slap against his chin, and so many sensations all at once send tingles of awareness and straight-up disbelief that this is even happening careening through mybrain. I roll with the rhythm we establish together, my push and his pull, his eyes looking up at me, and his smiles when I moan his name.

“Ryder, I’m so close, baby, I’m gonna come,” I groan, barely able to speak with his mouth on me. He moves both hands to my shaft and rotates them in opposite directions as they move up to meet his incredibly talented mouth, and I lose my damn mind. “Fuck, like that, goddamn, Ryder, yes, baby, please,” I whine, incoherent and babbling as my release grips me, pressure building and my cock swelling. Ryder’s eyes grow wide, but he sucks harder and I explode, cum spilling into his throat as he swallows hard. I keep my eyes on his face, watching in fascination as I come into a man’s mouth for the first time when all I can think is holy shit, it’s Ryder who just sucked me off and made that happen.

I tenderly pet him, combing through his hair and cupping his face as my thumb strokes over his cheek when he lets my cock fall from his mouth and takes gasping breaths. Bracing for what I know is coming, I try to memorize this moment when he’s soft and lovely, and he looks proud for just rocking my entire world. Already I'm preparing for the worst, expecting him to push away and his face to get a look of disgust. I look away from the gorgeous man that’s taken up so many of my thoughts and try to guard my damn soft heart. I let my hands fall away from him and pull my shorts back up.

“That’s harder than I thought, but so fucking worth the effort. I have to give credit to the women whowere good at it.”

He doesn't sound like he’s about to lash out. I dare a look at him as he rises, running a thumb along his bottom lip that’s swollen and well-used.

“You okay?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

“My jaw is sore as fuck and I think you knocked a tonsil out of place, but I’m fine.” He slaps me on the ass and turns to head out of the room.

What the fuck just happened? He didn’t freak out, but that is not the reaction I expected, either.

Twenty-one

Knox

Irun my hands over my head and exhale. I can't do this with him again. He can't dismiss me or what we have together as a mistake. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not right for him to deny himself this truth now. I drop my arms and follow him out of the kitchen. He’s rolling up his yoga mat like he didn't just blow my mind while blowing me.

“Do you have something you want to tell me?” I ask as calmly as I can manage. I need answers, and I need him to tell me what's happening between us. He shuts down when I get too close, so I have to be strategic about how I go about this.

He glances over his shoulder briefly and goes back to his mat. “I think we established that was the best head of your life,Golden Boy.”

I growl my frustration, done with his constant flippancy and deflecting with humor to avoid the subject because he’s uncomfortable or won't admit what he needs to. “Ryder, I’m serious. You’ve been escalating for months. Little digs to get under my skin. Getting in my face. Touching me. You dry-humped me for fuck’s sake. You kissed me. You just put my dick in your mouth. But every time, you pull away and won't take responsibility for your actions.”

Turning, he walks toward his bedroom, and my heart sinks. He’s going to deny me again. He’s going to shut me out and leave me guessing when he’ll finally admit his feelings.

“I think I claimed that blowjob pretty well, don't you?” He tosses over his shoulder carelessly, a smile added on for good measure.

“You’re not admitting anything, though!” I say, my voice rising with my agitation. He’s not acting the way he normally would, but he’s cavalier with my feelings, and that’s no better.

He pauses when he reaches his bedroom door with me close on his heels and turns as I grip the top of the doorframe to keep myself from following him in. His smile is gone, a frown replacing it, and his eyes are hard as he stares at me.

“What am I supposed to admit, Knox? I loved sucking your cock? Kissing you felt more natural than anything ever has? Fucking against your perfect ass was so good I couldn’t stop and that’s why I came in my pants? What do you want me to fucking say?”

He’s gesturing at me like all of this is some story we’re concocting, not the most basic truth we’ve lived together. It pisses me off and hurts even more. I drop my hands from the doorframe and clutch the front of my compression shirt that’s suddenly too tight, right over my heart that’s ripping to shreds.

“I need you to say you want this. You want me.” I pound my chest, desperate now as my voice breaks. I look down, feeling like a damn fool for pursuing this when he looks away first. But I have more to say, so I find whatever courage I can, knowing it’s time to ask for what I deserve and stop taking his shitty treatment. “I need you to admit you’ve been the aggressor and keep pushing things because you want to be with me.”

“I can't,” he says, voice rough and full of so much more than those two words can express. “Not yet.”

Fuck, those words do more to tear a hole in my chest than anything can. I feel them eviscerating me, flesh ripping, bones crunching, sinew snapping, marrow obliterated by the most innocuous words that expose my weak fucking heart to the stabbing knife Ryder’s wielding.

I meet his eyes and see the fear and self-loathing and know, I fuckingknow, he’s not ready. As much as I want him to own this, to be on the same page as me, I can’t make him go any faster than he’s ready to. It fucks me up more than anything because I’m so ready to be with him, in every sense of the word.

I shake my head. The yoke of loneliness settles over my shoulders once again while the freedom to live the life I’d dreamed of, that I’d just embraced, is snatched away by hisinability to admit he wants me, too. The future I want so badly is only achievable if it includes him. I let out a sigh heavy with reluctance and defeat.

“I’m here, Ryder. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here to listen and accept you. You're not alone and never will be. Not like I was. You already have all of me. I just need you to want me.”

I leave him at his door and retreat to my room. I can't be anywhere near him right now. I want to force him to talk, make him see logic, and rationally walk him through everything he’s done and how that adds up so he can come to the same conclusion I have.

But Ryder doesn't work like I do, and he’s resistant to my way of doing things. Hell, it took me till thirty-one to want to be open about my sexuality, and I’ve been sure about it since I was a kid. Ryder hasn’t even acknowledged he’snotstraight. I guess I can understand his hesitance and confusion.

I fall onto my bed and mindlessly scroll social media, liking Harlowe’s latest food posts. But mostly I’m caught up in my mind. I can't believe the first time I experienced a blow job, it was Ryder’s talented mouth that rocked my world, and he initiated it. Well, his initiating isn't surprising, given his recent history. But that was way beyond a fully clothed touch as he was proving a point or trying to push my buttons.

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