Page 41 of Reckless On Ice

A notification crosses my screen for the Vers app, and I almost ignore it because I’m not in the mood, but I think better of it and click in. I’ve enjoyed my heart-to-hearts withHotnHandsy as much as the way we make each other come. We have a lot in common, which is a surprise. I don't know if I’ll be able to perform for him now, after Ryder so thoroughly took care of me, but maybe he’ll let me talk through this mess, or I can help him.

The message that’s waiting for me isn’t the sexy prelude to a dick pic request I’d expected.

HotnHandsy: I kind of have a different request today. I hope that’s okay.

HandyManCan: I guess it depends on the request. I’m having a pretty weird day.

HotnHandsy: Well, same. I need to talk, and you were the first person I thought of, but that’s kind of weird, right?

HandyManCan: Not at all. I’m fine with talking. That’s about all I’m good for right now, actually.

HotnHandsy: I never expected to be so relieved that someone on a dick pic app didn’t want to see my dick and was okay with just talking haha

HandyManCan: For real, what’s on your mind?

HotnHandsy: I just did something thatwent well beyond crossing the line with the guy I’ve told you about. I keep, I don't know, poking the bear, seeing what will get him to snap, but it’s because I want to touch him. He’s not stupid, he knows what I’m doing and doesn’t rise to the bait, which is infuriating in its own way that he’s so patient and controlled.

HandyManCan: When you say you keep poking him, what do you mean?

HotnHandsy: He calls it escalating. I call it not being able to resist his appeal and finding ways to touch him that look like I’m teasing him or something.

HotnHandsy: Listen, I’m not proud of this, but the last time he did something nice for me, I kind of dry-humped him and played it off like it was in appreciation. He rightfully called me out and said appreciation would have gone the other way, and he would have gotten off instead of me. So today, when he did another nice thing for me, because he’s truly the best, I got on my knees and gave him my first blow job. It was insane, but it felt so good, like that’s where I belonged, and he wasso perfect.

HotnHandsy: Now I’m freaking out because he wants me to admit I’m bi and tell him I want him, but I’m not ready and it freaks me the fuck out to say it out loud. The actions thing I can do, but I can’t say the words because that makes it real. I know we’ve talked about this, and you helped me realize it’s just a label and doesn’t mean anything, but I’m still stuck, especially after all I’ve put him through. I don't know how to do this.

My hands shake as I throw the phone down on the bed, breaths coming in shallow gasps.I knewthis was too good to be true. I knew his story sounded too familiar. There were too many similarities to be a coincidence. But I let myself believe I’d found a kindred soul who’d been through something close enough to my own experience that we could bond over it.

It’s fuckingRyderpouring his heart out to me—no, he thinks he’s talking to a stranger on the internet—which is a million times worse. I wanted him to say this tome, not to my faceless alter ego. What are the odds that I would match with Ryder of all fucking people on an anonymous dick pic app for gay dudes? This is a fucking twist of fate of Machiavellian proportions. Someone must hate me. I reach for the phone again, not sure how to navigate this new reality, but I know he needs me to be his voice of reason more than ever, and I have to saysomething.

HandyManCan: Why not just tell himyou have feelings for him? That seems simple enough, and you do, right?

HotnHandsy: My feelings are bigger than that. I can’t put them into a few words the way he wants me to. It’s not as simple as that, because my whole life would change, and I’m not ready.

HandyManCan: What do you have to be ready for?

HotnHandsy: I’d have to come out, and I don't want people to dissect my sex life publicly.

That I can understand. I’ve kept myself in the closet my entire adult life because I didn’t want anyone to hold my sexuality against me in my professional life, or have it hold me back in any way. But I’m done having this conversation with him over private messages. I stand from the bed, shakily make my way down the hall, and knock on Ryder’s door. My stomach flips when I hear him moving around. I take a half step back when he opens the door.

I hold my phone out, screen open, in front of me. “Do you have anything to say to menow?”

Ryder’s brows draw together as his eyes drop from my face to the phone, shock registering quickly as he realizes what he’s seeing. The color drains from his face, and his mouth opens,no words come at first before he snaps his eyes to mine, and they’re blazing with fury.

“How the fuck did you get that?”

“You stuck my dick in your mouth earlier tonight. Didn't it look familiar to you, HotnHandsy?” I ask, scrolling up through our conversation for him to see the photos we’ve sent each other. “Although the angle of the photo makes it appear bigger, so I can see how you may have had your doubts.”

Ryder’s cheeks burn red as he pushes my hand holding the phone away roughly. “Fuck off.” He tries to close the door on me, but I’m not letting this go. I push it open and block the door frame with my body.

“Why won't you talk to me, Ryder? I know how you feel. I just need you to say it so we’re on the same page. Otherwise, this all means nothing, and you’re playing with my emotions for sport. I’m not okay with that. I deserve to be treated better. I deserve someone who wants to be with me in public as much as they do in private,” I say, the conviction shredding my voice.

“I don't want to talk about this!” he shouts, unable to look at me as he drives his fingers into his hair and paces around the room. I notice he’s placed the canvas print of Goldie on the dresser across from his bed, and my heart skips like the traitorous bastard it is, thinking this means something.

“You can't keep running away from me. I don't care if you’re scared, so am I. I just want to be with you and know we’re in this together,” I tell him calmly, lowering my voice and putting up my hands to hopefully show him I’m not trying to fight, Ijust want to support him.

“I’m not scared, I just don't want to talk to you,” he insists, turning the other way and crossing his arms. He’s so wound up, he can’t stop moving, and he won't even look at me. His hands move back into his hair in agitation.

“You had no problem talking to me when I was just a faceless man you jacked off to on the internet,” I say softly. “We talked about this, and I didn't judge you. I listened to you. You can just say it to my face now. Hell, you have no problem saying everything else to my face without thinking. This should be nothing,” I joke to lighten the mood.

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