Page 43 of Reckless On Ice

“Oh fuck, he’s in love with you,” Lilah screams, grabbing for the Oreos. “This makes so much sense why he said all that nasty shit. He’s internalized his feelings into homophobia because he hates what he wants. So what happened, why did he leave?” She scoops up a glob of peanut butter with her Oreo and pops it in her mouth. The girl knows her junk food.

I sigh and twist apart an Oreo, adding extra peanut butter to the cream before putting the cookie back together. “I think I pushed him too hard. Every time he’s come on to me, he says it was, I don't know, like an accident or something, and he won't take responsibility for his actions. I just want him to admit that he’s been doing all this because he wants to be with me. ButRyder can't even say he’s bi, let alone that he wants me beyond the stolen touches or the kisses we shared at the club. I’m ready to come out already, and he’s so behind, he hasn’t even made it into the closet.” I hold off on sharing the more intimate details. Those are for me and Ryder to keep.

“That’s hard,” Lilah says, rubbing my arm. “Relationships aren’t easy at the best of times, but to have someone who’s afraid to acknowledge their orientation, well, you’re working on a different timeline and with different playbooks.” She scoops up ranch dip with a Cheeto and crunches it decisively.

“We’re playing different sports,” I muse around a mouthful of Oreo and peanut butter. We’ve gone full junk food mode. I’ll probably regret this at practice tomorrow, but right now, it’s helping my wounded heart.

“You know what you need to do, right?” Lilah says, sitting up and brushing red Cheeto dust off her chest. “You need to come out for real. You’re asking Ryder to do something you haven’t even done yet, not really. He’s terrified about his feelings for you and claiming his identity. If you take the risk first, it will show him you're serious about wanting to be with him and make it easier for him all around.”

My heart kicks in my chest and decides now is a great time to run a fifty-yard dash without an end zone in sight. That’s scary enough to make my stomach turn over and mix the tequila, Oreos, and Cheetos into a disgusting sludge that threatens to come right back up. I swallow the bile that rises in my throat.

“You think that’s necessary?” I manage to squeak out.

Lilah pins me with way too sober a stare. “Knox, how long have you been in the closet, my big, bad, gay bestie?”

“A long, long time,” I admit, leaning over and pulling the bottle of wine out of Lilah’s tote. This sounds like I’ll need additional alcohol that doesn’t taste like fire. Lilah holds the glasses out for me to pour when I pull the cork out of her pink wine.

“If you want Ryder to admit he’s bi and wants to be with you, you’re going to have to make the first big step. That’scoming out to the world and showing him it’s not that bad. We’ll make sure of it. Let’s write your story and take back the narrative. With Ryder’s viral video thrusting you into the spotlight, people were making assumptions, but no one’s heard from you directly. Tell your story, explain what it’s like being gay in professional sports, and how that hasn’t affected you even once in your career, because it shouldn't. It’s not like straight people go into the office every day sayingI’m straight, my work is going to be so much harder because of it, so why would being gay be any different?” She’s on a roll, pulling her phone out and typing into a notes app already.

I drink the surprisingly tasty pink wine and look at the bottle. It’s a pink Moscato from a California winery called Villa Sonoma. Leave it to Lilah to find pretty wine that I actually like. Ryder would have a field day if he knew of my preference for pink drinks. I look over at Goldie’s tank and catch her looking at me.No, I’m not your mommy, you damn fish.She’s definitely his child. I refocus on Lilah.

“Okay, so I’m doing this. I have to tell my agent first, let him know there’s going to be backlash, and get a plan for PR going. I’m doing this right if I’m doing it at all.” The words sound eerily similar to what Ryder said when he was on his knees sucking my dick, and the thought sends me spiraling a little. But if I ever want to repeat that amazing moment with him, I have to show what bravery looks like and prove how much I want to be with him.

Lilah fiddles with her phone, pulling up a music app, andraising the volume before hitting play. “I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross blasts through the speaker, and she cackles. I set my wineglass down as she pulls me to my feet. We dance around my living room like fools. I even show her my best Drag Race moves I’ve never shown anyone else, and for once, I don't feel so alone or scared of what the future holds.

Twenty-three

Ryder

Proving my superstitions correct because I couldn't get off with Knox, or even his alter ego HandyManCan, before this game, I played like shit against Seattle. It fucking sucked to realize I didn't want to find another anonymous hookup on Vers because it wouldn't have been the man I wanted. Three goals got past me in the first period alone before I could even get my head in the game. Seattle was on fire and got another two goals in the second and third periods, while we could only score three goals the whole game.

It was embarrassing as shit, and Coach threatened to replace me with Magnus if I let another in, which would have been warranted. I sucked out there and I hate losing. I’m just gladhe didn't pull me for media after the game where I would have been roasted for my shitty performance, and all I could have said for myself issorry, I’m in a fight and I didn’t come with my best friend like I needed to so we lost. That would have gone over so well.

I’m tired and grumpier than usual as I get a post-game workout in, trying to clear my head, but I’m still mad as hell. My teammates are giving me a wide berth to avoid me snapping at them. I’ve been staying with Westy and his guestroom sucks. I can’t fucking sleep when I’m there. It doesn't feel like home, and I hate that Knox’s condo even felt like that in the first place.

“Hey, Kingsy, looks like you were right about Knox Contraire after all,” Rook calls from across the gym. I look up from the exercise bike I’m riding to find him waving his phone at me from the treadmill. “Did you see this story in the Atlanta Free Press? He came out publicly.”

My heart rate spikes even though I’ve been trying to keep it steady on the bike. Knox came out? For real? Why would he do that?

“Weren’t you living with him? You’re friends. Did he bring guys over?” Campbell asks from the bike beside me. He sounds more curious than anything.

“No. He never brought anyone over,” I growl, but I’m barely paying attention as I pull my phone out of my pocket and search for the newspaper where Lilah works and find the article, scanning it before I read through in detail.

Knox Contraire on Coming Out Later in Life

By Lilah Williams

One thing that can be said about the star tight end for the Atlanta Condors is that his sexual identity has never been a consideration within his football career. Known for his encouraging pep talks and motivating spirit, Knox Contraire is well-loved by his teammates, performs well under pressure, and has helped Atlanta progress to the playoffs four of the five seasons he has played for the Condors. His track record has more than proven his worth within the organization, and his field time shows it. You could say he’s a model player. But he’s had a secret that until recently, no one could even guess.

A shocking viral video put a spotlight on Contraire that suddenly told a different story—one that painted him as a man who was living a lie but lacked any substance or veritas to explain what could havemadethe storyteller step forward in the first place. “I was the victim of bullying for what people thought of me for years. This video felt like a visit back to high school,” Contraire said with a shrug at a local coffee shop. “That’s part of why I didn't want to come out sooner. I knew how bad it was for me without saying a word about my sexuality. I couldn’t imagine it would be any better if I came out as gay and lived that truth, so I stayed silent and didn’t rock the boat. I wanted to make life easier for everyone.”

Contraire defaults to this selfless mindset in all aspectsof his life. On the field, he is the first to give credit to his teammates for the plays he was instrumental in. Off the field, his free time is spent volunteering with various organizations around the city, from local garden projects to literacy programs, and even Meals On Wheels deliveries to seniors.

“I knew it had to get better,” Contraire said about why he didn’t give up despite years of bullying. “Sports saved me. Football gave me an outlet and a place to be when I needed a team. Even through the hardest times of my life when I couldn't depend on my team for the support I needed, I could depend on the sport itself.”

So why come out now? “The viral video made me realize I’d let others determine how I lived my life for too long. I stayed quiet and took the bullying in high school because I didn’t have another choice, but I do now. I don't have to hide that I’m a professional athlete who happens to be gay. My sexuality has never stopped me from playing well, and it won't change that now that I’m out. I want to find love and be proud of the man by my side, not hide that I even have feelings for him.”

What’s next for the NFL star? With a self-deprecating laugh, Contraire gestures around vaguely. “I don't expect anything to change, not on my team, or in the sport at large. I just want to play the game I love, with a team I believe in, and leave my personal life off the field where it belongs. I’ve always treated my career in sports as a profession, and I’ll continue doing my bestso I can build a life for a future family. I hope to make someone very happy someday, and it starts with me showing up as the man I’ve always wanted to be, so he’ll see he can, too.”

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