Page 48 of Reckless On Ice

“Oh, cool, about time. So, are you going for it with Knox? There’s obviously something there, and he’s got it going on,” Monty says, clapping me on the shoulder as he strides past us to his stall to get his gear on.

I shake my head incredulously and leave the center of the room for my stall to get my pads on, too. “Did you all think I was gay or something?” I ask, too curious to hold back.

“Dude, you don't pop off with as much hate like you did at the wing place about another guy being gay without something going on inside yourself,” Monty answers, shrugging as he strips down to his compression shorts and starts layering on padding.

“Yeah, and you were extra sensitive about Knox in general,” Westy adds.

“Not to mention the insane chemistry between you two at the club after Pride Night,” Campbell says, holding a finger up as he pulls a jersey over his head.

“Oh, yeah, for sure. You eye-fucked him spectacularly before we even got to the dance floor,” Rook says, tying his skates.

“It even had me sweating watching you follow him around, stopping everyone from dancing with him,” Nico says, fanning his face. “What do I have to do to get someone to careabout me that much, damn. I just want someone to love me.” He falls back in his chair and clutches his chest.

“You find a big, possessive motherfucker like Kingsy who doesn't want anyone touching what’s his,” Monty says, laughing at my expense.

“I hate all of you,” I grumble, but it feels good to have my team know what has been my dirty secret for so long and give me hell about it lovingly, instead of shutting me out for it. Okay, maybe I can do this, after all. Now to gain the courage to finally tell Knox what he deserves to hear from me. I hope I’m not too late.

Twenty-six

Knox

When I push the door open after practice, I’m ready for a nap in my quiet home, but music and the smell of food stop me in the entryway.What the fuck?

I look around the corner toward the kitchen and glimpse a sight I wasn’t sure I would ever see again—Ryder standing barefoot at the stove, in a pair of his gray sweats that hug his ass and nothing else so the tattoos across his upper back and arms are on full display.

“What are you doing?” I ask, my voice hoarse with disbelief as I walk slowly toward the kitchen, not sure what to expect. Did my text about Goldie make him come back? Is he here for good, or just a visit? Is he here for me?

Ryder twists the stove burners off, stops his phone playlist, and turns around. He runs his fingers through his hair to brush it out of his face as he looks at me sheepishly. “I got your text that Goldie was getting daddy issues, and I couldn't have that. She’s at an impressionable age. I don't want her to end up a stripper or something,” he jokes.

Ah, there’s his stupid humor to deal with the things he can’t face. I nod and turn to head for my room, not sure how to handle him being here if he’s still not ready to tell me what I need to hear. I’ll just have to figure out how to coexist with the man I can't stop thinking about. It shouldn't be hard, I’ve done it before.

“Knox, wait.”

I close my eyes when hearing my name on his lips sends goosebumps pebbling across my skin in a rush. I fight the urge to turn around and make this easy for him. He doesn't deserve easy. He deserves to work for my attention.

“I know I fucked up. Hell, I have years of fucking up to account for, and I’m sorry.”

His voice breaks on his apology. I hear the sincerity in it and know he means it, but words only go so far. He’s right, he spent years ruining my life with both words and actions, and it’ll take more than one apology to make up for it now. I gave him a free pass for so long, and he threw it back in my face by not being able to just own what he really wants. I was willing to overlook everything that happened, everything he put me through, so we could be together, but he couldn't even tell me hewanted me.

“I’m sorry for being a coward in high school. I should have told Commisso, Sanders, and those guys to shove it and reported them for the shit they were doing, so they couldn't hold it over me. They deserved to lose their place on the hockey team. I can see the path so clearly now for what I could have done differently instead of siding with them and bullying you. I thought I would lose hockey and the way out of my crappy home life if I didn’t, but I lost something even more important, my best friend.”

Okay, that’s a start. But hindsight is twenty-twenty, and it’s so easy to say what you should have done. It’s harder to make choices for the present that will affect your future.

“And I’m really fucking sorry I’ve been a coward about telling you I’m incredibly bi. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I think you’re so damn amazing and I can’t imagine my life without you in it, and how badly I want you to be mine.”

I turn slowly and find Ryder behind me, wringing his hands together, an anxious look on his face. He could finally say exactly what I wanted to hear, in a veryRydersort of way, and it floods my heart with hope that maybe he’s serious, maybe he wants this as badly as I do.

“What are you saying?” I ask, needing the extra clarity from the notoriously ambiguous idiot.

Ryder takes a step toward me and puts his hands on my face. “I’m saying I fucking want to be with you, and I would be so proud to be by your side.” He pulls my facedown to his and kisses me like I’m the air he needs to breathe. Like I’ll fortify his soul after forty days in the desert. Like I can make his world right again. When we break apart, I search his face for the discomfort and hesitancy I expect to find about his declaration, but all I find is anticipation.

“Are you serious?”

“I’m so serious. I hated myself for hurting you when I didn't know what else to do. When I kissed you in the club, everything made so much sense. It felt so right, and for the first time, I felt those stupid sparks people talk about and it scared the shit out of me. But now it’s the only thing I want to do, and it’s been driving me insane seeing your lips and knowing how you taste without letting myself have you.”

“Do you actually want to be with me, an out gay man, even if that means you’re going to have to be out also?” I ask because getting the facts hammered out with Ryder and ensuring we’re both on the same page is incredibly important for me before I let my heart go further.

“I came out to my team today. I don't know if I want to have Lilah write a whole fucking article for me to come out to the world or make a public statement of some kind, but I know at some point it’ll come up and we’ll have to deal with it then. Can we take it one day at a time?” he asks.

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