Page 119 of The Comeback Summer

As much as I opened up to him last night, a part of me was holding back. Pretending to be someone I’m not. But there was a moment when I got a glimpse of how it could be. What the world feels and looks like outside my comfort zone. And it was both terrifying and freeing.

Adam:Well, when you’re ready to trust me, I’d like to get to know the real you

I blink in surprise.

Libby:I thought you’d never want to see me again

Adam:Of course I do. I really like the part of you that I got to see. But I can’t be with someone who won’t share their whole self.

Libby:I think you saw my whole self last night. Twice, actually.

Adam:This isn’t something you can joke away

Busted. But he’s right. I journaled about this just last week—my humor has always been my shield. I know that’s what Adam (and Lou) are asking me to put down, but I don’t know if I can. It’s a part of me, as much as my brown hair and brown eyes.

Libby:You’re right. I’m sorry.

I imagine him running his hands through his hair, frustrated. Looking over at the right side of his bed, picturing me there. Wanting me back? Thinking I’m not worth the effort?

Three dots appear on the screen and I hold my breath, waiting for his response, hoping that he’ll say again that it’s okay. That I’m forgiven, that we can move past this.

Adam:Listen, it’s getting late and I think we both need some time. But I would like to get to know the real Libby. Maybe you can let me know when she’s ready to show up.

I want to tell him he already knows the real me. That I was more myself than I’ve ever been when I was talking to him on the app as Hannah. Because I didn’t have to worry about what he thought of me, how he would judge me.

It’s too much for me to explain in a text. And I’m not sure it even makes sense. So, I just type back a simple message.

Libby:I understand. I’ll let you know.

Adam:Goodnight

At least it’s not goodbye.

Forty

HANNAH

It’s a hot and humid Friday morning, and I’m heading to a doctor’s appointment. I’m getting back on birth control, which seems like an important step, an acknowledgment that my relationship with Josh is serious.

I took the purple line up to the Evanston Medical Clinic, the same clinic I came to for my very first gynecologist appointment at age seventeen—when Libby told me I’d better get on birth control because she sure as hell wasn’t going to help raise a little Josh Jr.

Dr.Segura is happy to see me, and surprised but pleased to hear that Josh and I are back together. She does my Pap smear, then answers my questions about contraceptive options including what to do when—in a few years down the road—we’re ready to try for a baby. As I leave, she gives me a hug and tells me she’ll be thrilled to see me someday for my first OB appointment.

Outside in the summer sunshine, I cross the parking lot, feeling buoyant and excited about the future. Josh is leaving tomorrow for the Bahamas on the aquarium-sponsoredresearch trip, and we’re going to spend the entire evening together, after Libby and I do our workout this afternoon.

“Hannah?”

It’s a man, pushing a wheelchair toward the clinic. It takes me a moment to realize that it’s Josh’s dad, Karl.

I tense up; I’ve been nervous to see them again since Josh implied they aren’t thrilled about us being together.

“Hi, Mr.Jacobson,” I say, smiling tentatively. He looks so much like Josh, tall and broad shouldered, but with more gray in his hair.

Then I realize the woman in the wheelchair is Josh’s mother. Startled, I take a quick step back.

“It’s so nice to see you,” Jeannie says, smiling up at me, her dimple like Josh’s. There’s a blanket on her lap, the rainbow blanket Josh was working on the other day. “I keep asking Joshua to bring you over—we’re thrilled you two are back together, aren’t we, Karl?”

Karl nods. “We certainly are.”

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