Page 123 of The Comeback Summer

“I don’t blame you,” I say, holding up a hand. “You’re going through a rough time; you wanted someone by your side. And you knew I would take you back.”

“Hannah—”

“And I did, didn’t I? You didn’t even have to try very hard to convince me. It took—what, a month? A few runs, a shower together? I didn’t make it much of a challenge.”

I’m spiraling, and I force myself to take a breath. This isn’t about me—none of it is. He’s been grieving all summer andwill continue to grieve as he loses his mother, little by little. Of course he would seek out comfort and familiarity.

I’m not angry with him. I’m just sad. So incredibly sad.

Josh reaches for my hand, but I move it away. I’m already splintering around the edges. If he touches me, I’ll fracture.

“Maybe I haven’t been real with you about what’s going on with my mom,” he says quietly. “But the way I feel about you is real. What we have together is real.”

I shrug helplessly. “That’s never been the problem—of course we care about each other. The problem is that we want different things out of life.”

“I know what I want. I want to be with you.”

“No, you want me to follow you. There’s a difference. You don’t want to change your plans for me.”

“You don’t want to change your plans for me, either,” he says.

“I’m not the one who went to Australia!”

“Han. Come on. That was five years ago—”

“Exactly,” I say. “And five years later, we’re repeating the same pattern.”

Josh opens his mouth, then shuts it again, because he knows it’s true. Exhaling, I lean back against the desk, while he slumps forward, his head in his hands.

We both go quiet, and my eyes drift to the framed pictures on Josh’s newly clean desk: a selfie of us together on the sailboat just a few weeks ago; a picture of us at a Halloween party in college, dressed up as Jack and Sally fromThe Nightmare Before Christmas; another of us at high school graduation in our caps and gowns. The sight calms me: all this history between us, it means something. Right?

But then Josh breaks the silence.

“Maybe we should take a step back,” he says.

I look up, alarmed. “What does that mean?”

His face is usually so expressive, but not now. It’s like he’s pulled down the shades to block me from seeing inside. “Maybe we should reevaluate where our relationship is going.”

I stare at him, unable to process this. “Where our...? Hold on. Are you breaking up with me?”

“That’s not—” He swallows. “I don’t want that to happen. But...”

“But what?”

“If our lives are headed in opposite directions,” he says, “then it would be better to figure that out now, before we get in too deep.”

But I’m already in so deep I can’t see the surface. My panic rises until it’s nearly choking me. He’s going to leave me. Again.

All I want is for him to wrap his arms around me and promise that he’ll never leave me. That he’ll do anything to stay with me. That he’ll choose me.

But maybe that isn’t the right thing to do, for either of us. If we keep acting like everything is fine, pretending like we don’t have real issues to face, we’ll just be kicking this down the road. At some point, Josh will want to move away. And I will want to stay.

I take a deep breath, ordering my heart to be strong.

“You’re leaving for the Bahamas tomorrow,” I say. “The Down & Dirty is the week after you get back. That gives us three weeks to think about what we want. After the race, we can talk again.”

Setting aside everything to do with our jobs and locations, this might not be the best time for Josh to start a new relationship. I want to support him through the loss of his mom,but I’m not sure he wants that from me. Maybe he just wants easy and light.

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