Page 129 of The Comeback Summer

WEEK 11

As you look back over the past eleven weeks, you should be realizing that you can’t remain in your comfort zone and grow.

So what are you going to choose: comfort or growth?

Hannah, 8/14

I don’t know, I don’t know. Everything hurts right now and all I want is to feel better. Josh is gone and Libby isn’t talking to me and I think it’s my fault. I’m the one who brought up the issues that led to all of this.

I forced the discussion with Josh about our future; I could have stayed quiet and trusted that things would work out. Maybe I should have, because I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to me and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away and it all hurts so much I can’t breathe.

And with Libby? Maybe I should have stayed quiet with her, too. Yes, I’m so angry at what she did and at the time it sure seemed like a good idea to tell her that. But I accidentally let WAY too much boil over. Now I don’t have anyone and as much as I try to pretend that I don’t like people, that’s a big fat lie because I love two specific people with all my heart.

Libby, August 14

Hi, Lou,

Honestly, I don’t think I have much of a choice. My comfort zone has been crushed. Shattered is more like it.

I never realized how much my life revolves around being Hannah’s big sister. Without that, I don’t know who I am. Even the things that used to bring me comfort don’t.

There is no comfort anymore. Is this what growth is supposed to feel like? Is that why they call it growing pains?

Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

Forty-Four

HANNAH

I’m in limbo—and not the party game where you bend backward under a stick, though I do feel like I’m being forced closer and closer to the ground. I mean the space between two worlds, not fully part of one or the other. Or maybe that’s purgatory; I’m hazy on Catholic theology, for obvious reasons.

Either way, this is the first time in my life that I’ve felt so untethered and alone.

Josh left for his research excursion; he sent a text letting me know he won’t have consistent cell service, so I doubt I’ll hear from him. It’s all too similar to when he left for Australia; his absence is like a black hole, sucking me down. But I’m fighting it. I’m taking my medication and doing my journaling, trying to treat this like a relapse of any chronic disease, one I know how to manage.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m so, so lonely.

I miss my sister at a cellular level. Like my physiology isn’t working properly without her. We’ve fought before, of course—we’re sisters; squabbling and bickering is our native tongue—but this is different. We’re drifting past each other in ourapartment like ghosts. This fight has weight, and it’s smothering me.

I keep ruminating on everything she said—wondering how much of it was anger and how much she truly meant.

Yes, she saved me after Josh left in college, but I would’ve done the same for her in a heartbeat—she’s just never given me the opportunity. She’s always been so strong, almost annoyingly so, but maybe she felt like she had no other option. No one thatshecould lean on.

I hate that she let go of her social life for me—not that I asked her to—but I’m also embarrassed to admit that I hardly noticed it happening. She used to have so many friends I couldn’t keep them all straight.

I guess I liked having her all to myself, which sounds so self-absorbed and needy. But she’s right about how I latched on to Josh, then her, then back to Josh. Like I’m not made of substantial enough stuff to stay upright without some outside support.

I don’t think she has any idea how much I idolized her as a child. How much Istilldo. She’ll never understand what it’s like to be the little sister, always in her shadow, watching her every move.

I want to tell her all of this—to walk across the hall, sit on her bed, and apologize in the hopes that everything will go back to the way it was—but something stops me. Because I’m not the only one at fault here. If Libby refuses to admit that what she did was wrong, that interfering in my relationship with Josh was inappropriate and cruel, then we can’t move forward.

So instead, I’m avoiding her. I’ve heard her muffled voice through the walls as she talks with various friends aboutmeeting for brunch at McGee’s, drinks at Benchmark, and dinner at Topo Gigio. I assume she’s starting to regain the social life she sacrificed.

Good for her.

My plan is to spend the weekend either out running or holed up in my bedroom, reading the manuscript for Serena and Preeti’s book and working on the PR plan. I’m glad I never told Libby about the project. It seems only fair; she kept a much bigger secret from me for five whole years.

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