Page 57 of The Comeback Summer

“Hannah.” Josh moves to the opposite bench in the gondola and faces me, his knees outside mine, almost touching. “Hannah,” he says again, so softly it brings fresh tears to my eyes. “I’m sorry. I amsosorry. You didn’t deserve any of this. You’re the most—” He breaks off, running his hands over his face like he’s disgusted with himself. “I hate that I did this to you. I told myself you were better off without me. That I fucked up so thoroughly there was no chance of ever setting things right again.”

I don’t like the way he’s condemning himself for a mistake he made as a twenty-one-year-old. I’m not blameless, either. What kind of girlfriend—what kind ofbestfriend—doesn’t notice that her favorite person is miserable?

“Josh, we both—”

“If I could somehow rewind my life and do things differently, I would in a nanosecond,” he says, locking eyes with mine. His dark hair falls across his forehead, making him seem boyish, earnest. It’s impossible to look away. “If I could do it all over again, do you want to know what I would’ve done?”

I nod, wordless.

He takes my hands, cupping both of mine inside both of his, and the sweet familiarity of that touch makes me ache with longing. He’s gazing at me with those eyes I know so well: lake blue, ringed with dark lashes, eyes that used to love me. My heart lodges in my throat, waiting for him to say the words I’ve wanted to hear for the past five years:I would have stayed. Leaving you was the worst decision I’ve ever made.

Then he speaks, his voice steady, his words measured. “I would’ve come to you and said, ‘Hannah. I have this crazy, impossible dream, and I want to pursue it. I know this might hurt you, and I know it’ll ruin all our plans. But I need to take this opportunity so I don’t wake up one day, twenty years down the road, and realize that life has passed me by. That I never made a deliberate, independent decision of my own.’ ”

My stomach twists. I think back to that moment when he walked into our new apartment and announced he was going to Australia, how blindsided I felt. If he’d said it this way, if he’d laid it all out there, it still would’ve hurt like a motherfucker. But at least it would’ve been honest.

Josh is watching me, gauging my reaction. And I realizewhat he’s offering: not an apology, exactly, because he doesn’t regret his decisions. No, this is a chance for each of us to say what we should have said then, to communicate with the maturity we didn’t have at the time.

I swallow hard.

“If I could go back in time,” I say carefully, “and respond to you with what I know now, I would have said: ‘Josh. You’re the most important person to me in the entire world. And I want you to be happy. Even if that means you need to leave.’ ” I take a shaky breath, ordering myself not to cry again. “ ‘Even if that means we aren’t together.’ ”

As I say the words, I realize they’re true. More than anything, I would have wanted Josh to follow his heart. Those words wouldn’t have saved me from pain. But they would’ve saved me from years of confusion, years of wondering what I did wrong. Maybe I would have been able to move on and love someone else.

Josh shifts over to my side of the gondola and puts his arm around me. It’s not a romantic gesture, it’s a comforting one—for me, but maybe for him, too. I lean against his shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent, appreciating the solid warmth of his body against me.

After a moment, he speaks, his voice vibrating from his chest into mine. “We held hands here for the first time. On the old Ferris wheel. Do you remember?”

“I remember everything.”

My voice sounds tired, and I am. Tired of the way my first relationship has continued to hang over my life, coloring everything I believe about myself and the world, all these years later. My sister is right; I need to move past Josh and on to my next chapter.

Maybe now I can finally, finally let go.

“I really am sorry,” he says quietly.

I nod. “Me, too.”

We sit like that, staring at the night sky and the lake and the city lights, until our ride comes to an end.

Twenty-One

LIBBY

A few days later, Hannah, Mr.Darcy, and I are sitting on the couch watchingMy Big Fat Greek Wedding—one of my favorite movies because I can relate to Toula Portokalos more than to the typical rom-com heroine. I went with the obvious, yet delicious, Greek pairing for our dinner with a trio of dips (hummus, tzatziki, and feta), Greek salad with grilled chicken, and spanakopita from Trader Joe’s.

We’re almost to the point where Aunt Voula tells the story about the lump on her neck when my phone buzzes. I peel my eyes away from the TV and see the One+One alert; a new message from Adam. My stomach flutters. I hadn’t expected to hear from him much—he’s been dealing with some family stuff—but we’ve still been chatting a lot. A lot as in multiple times a day.

Every morning, he sends me Hannah’s daily horoscope. I accidentally told him I believe in that stuff, even though Hannah does not—but at least I remembered to give him her birthday instead of mine. We chat on and off throughout the day,and then before I go to bed, he asks how my day went (even though he already knows most of it) and wishes me sweet dreams.

I imagine this is what it feels like to have a real boyfriend.

I look back at Hannah, whose eyes are focused in the direction of the TV, but it doesn’t seem like she’s actually watching. She’s been distracted lately, and I hope it’s not because of Josh. She told me about their ride on the Ferris wheel, when he apologized for breaking her heart. I told her it’s about damn time, but also that I hoped she wasn’t planning on forgiving him.

She mumbled something about how he was young and didn’t mean to hurt her. Which is total bullshit. And the fact that he’s got her thinking that makes me realize Josh knew what he was doing when he promised he’d let Hannah make all the decisions when it came to their relationship. The man knows how to manipulate my sister.

Of course, I can’t tell her that, because Hannah immediately gets defensive every time I bring up Josh. All I can do is double down on finding her a new match. One who is smart and kind and thoughtful, who will put her first.

My phone buzzes again with another message from Adam. As much as I don’t want to give up talking to him, I know the time is coming to pass him on to Hannah.

---