Page 93 of Battle of the Bookstores

What’s wrong with me? I’m so tired of carrying this by myself, this heavy burden of responsibility, worry, and shame. Maybe I couldn’t have found the words to explain, but at least if Ryan were here, I wouldn’t be alone.

And then I realize: I don’t need to be alone.

I pick up my phone and send a message to RJ.

24

Ryan

I didn’t meanto eavesdrop. I was looking for the bathroom when I heard Josie say my name. It stopped me. Not just that she said it, buthow. Almost with a sneer, like she was talking about something—someone—she despised.

If this had been a month ago, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But earlier tonight, when we were dancing in the back room, when her head was on my chest and her hand was in mine…her breath actually hitched. A person can’t fake that.

And yet.

He doesn’t matter.

As I walk down Highland Avenue, away from Josie’s apartment, my head and my heart battle it out, each making its case.

My head: She was talking to her mom. Based on everything I know about their relationship, they’re not close. I shouldn’t read too much into what she said.

My heart: But she could have easily said we were just friends. She didn’t have to say something so cruel. I don’t matter?

My head: Something else is clearly going on.

My heart: I shouldn’t have left her alone.

Up ahead, I see the pink and orange light of a Dunkin’ Donuts, glowing like a beacon in the night. While sugar won’t solve whatever problem Josie’s having with her mom, it could make her feel better.

And it’s the perfect excuse to go back and try again.

If she wants to talk, I’ll stay. If she wants space, I’ll give her the donuts and go. Either way, she’ll know I was thinking about her, that she doesn’t have to be alone. Maybe then she’ll realize we can be a team in and out of the bookstore.

I’m about to head back to her apartment, a box of twenty-five assorted Munchkins in my hands, when my phone buzzes in my pocket. My heart leaps when I see her name on the screen, but it falls when I realize it’s a message for RJ.Reads.

Me, but not me.

BookshopGirl:Hey. Are you there?

Crestfallen, I pull up a chair at an open table. Even though I’m dying inside, I type out a happy little message, because that’s how far gone I am for this girl.

RJ.Reads:Hey, I’m here! And I was just thinking about you?

Not a lie.

RJ.Reads:How are you?

A normal question, even if I already know the answer.

BookshopGirl:I’ve been better.

RJ.Reads:Who do I need to beat up?

I picture Josie sitting alone in her apartment, staring at her phone with a soft, sad smile on her face. Did she ask me to leave so she could talk to RJ? Not knowing she could have the real me, sitting there with her?

BookshopGirl:Oh, it’s nothing like that. Just family stuff.

RJ.Reads:Want to talk about it?

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