Page 63 of Maybe in Another Life

“It just all seems so senseless,” he says, looking up at me. “The idea of you being hit by a car. Almost losing you. When I heard what happened to you, I immediately thought... you know, she should have been with me instead. If I had been able to persuade you to stay out with me, you wouldn’t have been standing in the middle of the road when... I mean, what if this all could have been prevented if I’d... done something different?”

It’s sort of absurd, isn’t it? How we grab on to facts and consequences looking to blame or exonerate ourselves? This has nothing to do with him. I chose to go home with Gabby and Mark because that’s the choice I made. Nine billion choices I’ve made over the course of my life could have changed where I am right now and where I’m headed. There’s no sense focusing on just one. Unless you want to punish yourself.

“I’ve looked at this problem up, down, and sideways,” I tell him. “I’ve lain in this bed for days wondering if we were all supposed to do something different.”

“And?”

“And... it doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?”

“I’m saying things happen for a reason. I’m saying there’s a point to this. I didn’t stick around with you that night because I wasn’t supposed to. That wasn’t what I was meant to do.”

He looks at me. He doesn’t say anything.

“You know,” I continue, “maybe you and I would have gone out that night and stayed out partying and drinking until the early morning. And maybe we could have walked around the city all night, talking about our feelings and rehashing old times. Or maybe we would have left that bar and gone to another bar, where we ran into Matt Damon, and he would say that we seemed like really cool people and he wanted to give us a hundred million dollars to start a cinnamon roll factory.”

Ethan laughs.

“We don’t know what would have happened. But whatever would have happened wasn’tsupposedto happen.”

“You really believe that?” Ethan says.

“I think I have to,” I tell him. “Otherwise, my life is an absolute disaster.”

Otherwise, my baby is gone for no reason.

“But yes,” I say. “I really do believe that. I believe I’m destined for something. We are all destined for something. And I believe that the universe, or God, or whatever you want to call it, I believe it keeps us on the right path. And I believe I was supposed to choose Gabby. I wasn’t supposed to stay with you.”

Ethan is quiet. And then he looks up at me and says, “OK. It wasn’t... I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Besides,” I say, trying to make a joke, “let’s be honest. If I’d stuck around with you, we’d just have ended up making out and ruining everything. This way is better. This way, we can finally be friends. Good, real friends.”

He looks at me, looks me right in the eye. We don’t say anything to each other for a moment.

Ethan finally speaks up. “Hannah, I—”

He stops halfway through his sentence when Henry comes walking in the door.

“Oh, sorry,” Henry says. “I didn’t know you had visitors.”

I feel myself perk up at the sight of him. He’s wearing the same blue scrubs from last night.

“I thought you were night shift,” I say. “Deanna is my day nurse.”

“I’m covering,” he says. “Just for this morning. I’ll come back if I’m interrupting.”

“Oh,” Ethan says.

“You’re not interrupting anything,” I say over him.

Ethan gathers himself and looks at me. “You know what? I should be getting to work,” he says.

“OK. You’ll come visit me again soon?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Or maybe you’ll be out of here in a few days.”

“Yeah,” I say. “Maybe.”

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