Page 94 of Maybe in Another Life

I’m angry at myself for falling in love with him.

I’m angry that my parents come and go out of my life.

Right now, in this moment, it feels as if I’m angry at the whole goddamn world.

So I scream into the pillow.

When I’m done, I take the pillow away from my face, put it back on the bed, and turn to Dr. Winters.

“Are you ready?” she says.

“For what?” I ask her.

“To move forward,” she says. “To accept that you cannot walk right now. And to be patient with yourself and with us as you learn how to do it again.”

I’m not sure. So I take the pillow, and I put it up to my face. I scream one last time. But my heart’s not in it. I don’t have anything left to yell about. I mean, I’m still angry. But it’s no longer boiling to the surface. It’s a simmer. And you can control a simmer.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m ready.”

She stands in front of me. She helps me stand up. She calls Ted into the room.

And the two of them stand with me, help me, coach me, walk me through the art of balancing on two feet.

When I get home, Charlemagne runs toward me, and I hear Gabby get out of her bed.

She comes down the stairs and looks at me. She can see from my face that it didn’t go well. I can tell from hers that she’s been crying.

“You’re home early.”

“Yeah,” I say.

“You told him?”

“Yeah.”

She gestures to the sofa, and we both walk over and sit down. “What did he say?”

“Nothing? Everything? He’s going to think about it.” Then I ask about her. “Did Mark call again?” Mark has called at least ten times since he left. Gabby hasn’t answered any of them.

“Yeah,” she says. “But I didn’t answer again. It’s not time to talk right now. I have to get myself together and get ready for it. I’ll hear him out. I’m not writing him off entirely, I suppose.”

“Got it,” I say.

“But I’m also being realistic. He was having an affair for a long time. I can’t think of an explanation he could have that would change my mind about getting a divorce.”

“You’re not tempted to answer the phone and scream at him?”

She laughs. “Definitely. I am definitely tempted to do that. I will probably do that soon.”

“But not right now.”

“What does it get me?” she says, shrugging. “At the end of the conversation, I’ll still be me. He’ll still be him. He’ll still have cheated on me. I have to accept that.”

“So at least we’re facing our problems head-on,” I tell her.

She looks at me and smiles sadly. “At least we have that.”

“We make quite a pair, don’t we?”

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