Page 105 of Atmosphere

“Can I come in?” Lydia said.

“Uh, sure,” Joan said, opening the door wider.

Lydia looked at Joan’s apartment. Joan could now see it through her eyes: a little messy, a little lived in, a little quaint.

Lydia stood by the couch. “Can I sit?”

“Of course—do you want water or something?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Lydia sat down. “You need a new couch,” Lydia said. “The springs are soft.”

“I like it just fine,” Joan said, as she sat in the chair opposite Lydia. “What’s on your mind?”

Lydia said nothing for a moment. There was an awkwardness to Lydia that some people found off-putting. But it did not unnerve Joan at all. Joan found it easier to be around Lydia one-on-one, when she did not have to contend with Donna’s or Vanessa’s discomfort around her.

Lydia put her elbows to her knees, looked down at the floor. When she looked back up at Joan, her eyes were soft, just a hint of glassiness to them. Joan could hardly return her gaze.

“Why wasn’t it me?” Lydia said.

Joan blew the air out of her lungs. “I don’t know.”

“It should have been me,” Lydia said, her voice breaking slightly.

“No, Lydia, that’s not true.”

“I understand you deserve it,” Lydia said. “I’m not saying you don’t.”

“Good,” Joan said.

“But I work harder than you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Well, I’m smarter than you.”

“No, you aren’t.”

Lydia considered this, looked down at the floor again.

“Why are you here, asking me this?” Joan said. “Instead of going to Harrison’s door and asking him why he got assigned before you?”

Lydia nodded and continued to stare at the floor. And then looked up at her. “I’m…” She hung her head again. And then quickly workedup her nerve again. “I’m not confronting you. I’m…” She looked Joan in the eye. “I’m asking your advice.”

Joan’s entire body softened. “Oh.”

“I want to go up there—” Lydia said.

“And you will,” Joan said.

“Stop—please let me finish.”

Joan backed off.

“I want to go up there first and, sure, that is part of why I’m upset. But, Joan, even more than that, I…I want to be good at this. Not just because I want the gold pin. I want to be good at it in the sense that I want to be helpful. I want to use what skills I have to be of service to this team. I want to be what NASA needs. I really want that.”

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