Page 135 of Atmosphere

Joan went into the bedroom and set up the futon. She tucked her in and said good night.

When she shut the door behind herself, Vanessa was leaning against the kitchen counter, staring at her.

“Jo,” Vanessa said. “What is going on? I’m serious.”

Joan closed her eyes. When she opened them, her jaw was tight. “I think, with Frances here, this is not going to work,” she said finally.

The sound of the words coming out of her mouth shocked her, even though she had rehearsed them for days. She threw her head into her hands.

“What are you talking about?” Vanessa said.

“How are we going to do this?” Joan said. “I will never be able to spend the night at your house. You won’t be able to spend the night at mine. I think…it’s not realistic. Anymore. You and me.”

Vanessa tensed her jaw; her eyes went glassy, and Joan wanted to die.

Vanessa pursed her lips and nodded. “And when did you decide this?” she said.

“I’ve been thinking it since Thanksgiving,” Joan said.

“You’re lying,” Vanessa said.

“I just wasn’t sure how to tell you,” Joan said.

“So you’ve been avoiding me? Because you didn’t have the decency to break up with me?”

“No,” Joan said. And then: “Maybe. Either way, it’s not going to work anymore.”

“I don’t agree,” Vanessa said, crossing her arms.

“What are we going to do? I’ll get a babysitter once a week and you and I can go out to dinner three towns over? And then I’ll rush to be home before the sitter has to leave?”

“Yes!” Vanessa said, shouting in a whisper. “That’s exactly what we’ll do. And I’ll drive you home. And I’ll stay in your room with you that one night a week and then I’ll sneak out before Frances wakes up. Yes!”

“That’s not a relationship!” Joan said, doing her best to keep her voice down.

“That’s what we can have!” Vanessa said. “And I’ll take anything I can have with you! Don’t you see that?”

“Well, I can’t ask that of you.”

“I’m asking it of you! I’ll sneak into your house just to kiss you once a week if that’s what I can get. I’ll wait until Frances is in college if that’s what I have to do. Are you insane, Joan? I want you. Forever. I told you that. I don’t care what it takes.”

Joan could barely catch her breath. She slumped herself down onto a kitchen chair and rested her head on the table.

“Jo, I don’t understand,” Vanessa said. “Why are you doing this?”

Joan looked up at her. Vanessa’s eyes were teary, her voice catching, her mouth turned down. “Please don’t do this. Please.”

All of Joan’s body went limp, and she began to sob.

“They know,” Joan said, finally.

“What?”

“They know. NASA knows.”

Vanessa blanched. “No, they don’t.”

“Yes, they do. I don’t know if we were too obvious. Or someone told them. A couple of months ago, Jimmy made a comment. I didn’t give it enough attention at the time. I can see now that I should have. He might have gone to Antonio. It doesn’t really matter how—they know.”

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