Page 21 of Atmosphere

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“You are never going tobelieve this, but I was thirty thousand feet into the air!” Joan said that evening, holding Frances’s hand as the two of them and Barbara walked into Joan’s apartment. “And on Monday, we’re going to fly upside down.”

“Upside down?”

“Upside down! And by the way, I almost puked just going right side up! So who knows what’s going to happen.”

“Oh mygosh,you can’t puke, Joanie!”

“I am obviously going to try not to!” Joan said. “But I might not be able to control it. I might just go, ‘Oh no,’ and thenblaaach.” Joan mimicked puking right over Frances’s head. Frances laughed so loudly that Barbara asked her to please use a normal tone of voice and then looked at Joan with reproach.

As they settled in, Barbara told Joan how great the apartment looked and Frances immediately gravitated toward all of the portraits Joan had been working on when she couldn’t sleep at night. There were a few of Frances with her big eyes and long eyelashes, one of Barbara, one of their father.

“You have to do Grandma,” Frances said.

“I know, I really do,” Joan said. “For some reason, I find it hard to draw Grandma.”

Barbara looked at the portrait of herself, which was sitting on the nightstand. Joan saw a small smile on her face, even though Barbara tried to hide it. This was Joan’s favorite part. To be able to show someone what they should love about themselves.

Barbara put the picture down, gently. “It’s because you look like Mom.”

“What?” Joan said.

“You look like Mom. I look like Dad. And you can’t draw Mom because you don’t like to draw yourself.”

“I could draw myself.”

“Oh,” Barbara said. “Well, you don’t ever draw yourself, so I just figured you didn’t want to.”

Joan considered this. “I just…don’t find myself all that interesting, I suppose.”

“Joanie, I think your face isveryinteresting,” Frances said. “I like how you have tiny light freckles all over it and you have three gray hairs on the side of your head.”

Joan laughed. “Thank you, my love.” And then: “I ordered pizza for dinner.” Barbara offered a tense smile, but Joan knew she wouldn’t complain. Joan always paid, ordered too much, and sent Barbara home with the leftovers.

“Did you get pepperoni?” Frances asked.

“Yeah, and with extra anchovies because I know how much you love them.”

“Noooooo!” Frances said, and Joan grabbed her and tickled her ribs. Barbara set the plates for dinner.

After dinner, Barbara sent Frances to get ready for bed. She was spending the night at Joan’s, and the two of them were going shopping for back-to-school clothes the next day. It was their annual tradition. As Joan walked Barbara out, she handed her the leftover pizza. Then Barbara pulled Joan into the hallway.

“You seem happier,” Barbara said. “Lighter.”

“I do?” Joan felt a little jolt go through her.

“Yeah,” Barbara said. “It’s nice.”

“Well, I guess…” Joan thought of that feeling up in the jet. The pale pink of the clouds. “I guess I am a little lighter.”

“You’ve met someone,” Barbara said.

“What? No!”

“I thought for sure that’s what all this was. That glee in your voice.”

“Barbara,” Joan said. “No.”

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