Page 56 of The Lost Book of First Loves

“I will.”

“Keep in mind that Carson wrote the first draft of all of his books longhand, in the same notebooks he used for his journals.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Yes. He would use black notebooks for his journals and blue for his manuscripts, but I don’t know if he always had that system.”

“Did he have someone else transcribe his writings into a computer file?”

He shook his head. “Nope. He did it all himself, rewriting as he transcribed. I always thought it was a laborious and time-consuming process and suggested he have someone else at least input his work into the computer but, as I said, he was very private about his work. Like an artist who keeps his canvas covered, I guess. He didn’t want anyone else to see his words until he judged them ready for the world.”

He looked at the stack of journals. “Maybe it’s hidden somewhere among his other notebooks and you’ll find it as you go through them.”

“That would be too easy.”

He had to agree. “It’s an interesting mystery. You can ask Alison. He might have said something to her.”

“I’ll do that.” She looked down at the notebooks then back at him. “I’m afraid I’m becoming a little obsessed.”

He liked the woman, he had to admit, far more than he thought he would when she first showed up at the airport with Ali, looking frosty and remote and yet somehow lost.

“I wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about it. You’re here to relax and heal, not to become embroiled in trying to find a missing manuscript that may or may not exist. I’m feeling guilty enough that we asked you to look through the journals in the first place.”

“You have no reason to feel guilty. I’m grateful for the project. I have discovered an uncomfortable truth about myself, that I’m not very good at doing nothing.”

He had to wonder if she was focusing on the mystery of a possible missing manuscript as a way to distract herself from the significant health challenges suddenly confronting her. He couldn’t blame her for that.

“I’m sure it’s a challenge for you. It can’t be easy, trying to come to terms with everything.”

She sighed. “I thought I had everything in my life figured out. A great career, financial security for the rest of my life, a penthouse apartment that I own, free and clear. All the things I dreamed about when I was that seventeen-year-old leaving my safe foster home bubble.”

He fought the urge to reach out and pull her into a hug, a gesture he knew she wouldn’t appreciate.

“You’ve worked hard for your success. Nobody handed it to you.”

“If you had asked me a month ago where I thought I would be in a year, five years, ten years, I could have told you in exact detail. I’ve always made a plan for my life and followed it.” She released a heavy breath. “And now I don’t know if I can plan beyond next week.”

“I can only imagine how difficult the past few weeks must have been for you.”

He thought of his own turmoil and grief when he first arrived in Bridger Peak and how the mountains had somehowhealed him. “I can’t say I know what you’re going through. No one who hasn’t been through something similar probably can. But I do understand what it is to have your life turned upside down in an instant.”

Her eyes softened as she turned her gaze to his, and he knew she was also thinking of his wife and the emotionless news stories she had probably read about her, the brief explanations about what had happened to her that captured none of Soledad’s vivacity and grace.

“Grief takes time to work through. You can’t expect everything will be fine overnight.”

“I’m alive. That’s the thing. What do I have to grieve about when I’m still breathing? I was given the priceless gift of more time. Many people who have a cardiac arrest don’t ever get that. Carson didn’t.”

He again had to fight the completely ridiculous urge to pull her into his arms. “You’re alive. But you were also changed because of what happened, because of your diagnosis. You aren’t the same person you were two weeks ago. But then again, none of us is, even if we didn’t have a life-changing cardiac arrest. We are all constantly changing, hopefully for the better. And that makes me sound like I should be making inspirational videos instead of woodworking ones, doesn’t it?”

She smiled a little, he was happy to see, and some of her tension seemed to seep away. “A little. Yes. I think you should stick to making tables.”

“Good idea.” He paused. “I’m probably starting a new project tomorrow. You said you would like to watch the early stages. I can’t imagine why anyone would, but then, I also don’t understand why people watch the YouTube videos.”

“Because you’re creating something beautiful, which always fascinates people.”

He wasn’t sure about that, but it was nice to hear her say it. “I’ll be starting about 8:00 a.m. You’re welcome to drop by.”

“Thank you. I will do that.”

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