Page 32 of The Good, the Bad, and the Aunties

“Nothing.” I punctuate it with a grin, but it’s obvious it’s not sincere.

Julia Child narrows her eyes at us and stalks to the front of her desk before leaning back against it. She crosses her arms in front of her chest and cocks her head to one side. “Out with it. You’re in my house. Do not even think you could lie to me.”

Ma and the aunts exchange a quick glance. This is completely new territory for them, and I can see the conflicting emotions warring inside. They’re not used to being in the presence of such a formidable figure. I’m used to it because I grew up with four of them. I’m used to cowering in the presence ofgreatness, but not so for Ma and the aunties, especially for Big Aunt, who looks like she’s torn between treating Julia Child with deference and telling her off.

Abi is the first to speak. “Ah, well, the red packet wasn’t with any of their family members. It had been taken by someone else.”

An eyebrow quirks up. “Oh?”

“It was a teen. She just happened to be dropping by to see her friend, and—”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, out with it. What happened? Did you harm a random teenage girl?”

Should I be worried by the fact that Julia Child doesn’t seem at all surprised, merely irritated?

“No, I—well, ah—I didn’t lay a finger on her—”

“Aiya,” Big Aunt snaps. “Why you must say like that? Like, so omnipotent.”

We all turn to stare at her. “Omnipotent?” Julia Child says.

I raise my hand. “I think she meant ‘ominous.’ ” I give Big Aunt a smile and she nods gratefully.

“Yes, so omni-nous. Like something so bad happen. Actually, nothing bad happen. We just teach her a lesson, be respecting to your elders!”

Ma and the other aunties all nod, even Second Aunt. “Yes.” Second Aunt wags a finger at the world in general. “Waduh, she was so rude, very talking back. What kind of parent raising her to be so rude to her elders?”

Julia Child’s top lip curls into a sneer. “Nothing worse than people who have no respect for their elders.”

Ma and the aunties nod vigorously. “Yes, exactly,” Ma cries. “Good thing, you agree. I know you will agree because you are proper person.”

A thin smile appears on Julia Child’s face. “So you got the title deed back and you taught a disrespectful teen a lesson. I don’t see any downsides here. You may go.”

“Er—” Abi says, his face seemingly stuck in a permanent grimace. “Yes, about that. The teen—who was very disrespectful, this is true—ah, the tricky part is about who she was.”

Julia Child stares at him. After about two seconds, or maybe it was three hours, Abi finally spits it out. “She’s Kristofer’s granddaughter.”

There is a shocked silence. Even though I’m still unclear on what this means to Julia Child and Abi, I get the feeling that this isn’t good news. Not good news at all. In fact, it might even be catastrophic news.

In a low voice, as though she’s afraid someone might overhear, Julia Child whispers, “Kristofer Kolumbes?”

Abi nods. The silence that follows is as thick as Big Aunt’s buttercream. Then, just as I can no longer stomach the tension, Julia Child opens her mouth and... cackles. She literally cackles, like a witch, throwing her head back, clutching her stomach, and letting the maniacal laughter rip out of her. It’s the first time I’ve seen someone do that whole “Mwahaha!” laughter, and it’s disconcerting as hell. I have no idea how to react, and neither does anyone else in the room. We all glance at one another like, uh, what should we do? The hell if I know.

“Kristofer—Kris—” Julia Child gasps in between cackles.

Ma and the aunties give Abi a look, and he shrugs helplessly. The laughter goes on another few minutes before Julia Child finally catches her breath. She wipes away her tears and, still huffing with laughter, says, “Seriously? Wait, so you told off his grandchild?” She snorts again.

“I would say she was more than just told off.” Abi looks down at his shoes.

“She didn’t want to let go of the title deed, that little brat,” Fourth Aunt snorts.

Julia Child gapes at them. “Did you—did you accost her? Physically?”

There’s another thick silence as Ma and the aunties are suddenly very interested in the walls and the ceiling of the room.

“Yes,” I finally choke out. “There was—ah—a physical struggle. She wasn’t hurt though,” I add quickly.

This is greeted by another round of cackling. Julia Child smacks the table and laughs and laughs. “Oh my god. This is the best thing I’ve ever heard. So the lot of you went to Kristofer Kolumbes’s grandchild’s house, physically wrestled the poor girl, and snatched the title deed from her. Oh, this is—this is wonderful.” Her eyes glitter with gleeful triumph. “To be a fly on the wall when she tells him about it...”

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