Page 35 of You Will Never Be Me

Clara’s stare pins me in place. She’s always had an unnerving way of studying people, like she can see through their skin and bones and read the thoughts zipping through their minds. I hold Sabine in front of me like a shield, and she smiles and babbles when she catches sight of Luca.

“Do you want to come i—”

“I haven’t heard from my sister in over a month,” Clara says, and though her voice is cold, I see fear lurking underneath her hard features. “And that’s not at all like her.”

“I’m sorry, Clara,” I say softly.

“You’re her best friend!” she cries, gesturing at me. “Why’re you so—how can you be so—okay?”

“We haven’t—” Emotion catches up with me and I have to pause to gather myself. “You know that we had a falling out and I haven’t talked to her for months. And you said she told you she’s going into a rehab or something, right? A tech-free retreat?”

Clara shakes her head and snorts. “Right, and left her only child with me and hasn’t bothered to check in on him for over a month.” She gives an incredulous laugh. “How crazy is that? No, that’s not at all like her.”

I sigh. “I’m sorry, Clara. I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I could help, but…”

“You know something,” Clara hisses, her eyes filling with tears. “You two were joined at the hip for years. There isn’t a single thing about Mer that you didn’t know. I don’t buy for a second that she never mentioned anything to you.”

“I told you,” I say, in the voice I use when Elea is being particularly difficult, “Mer and I haven’t talked for months. She’s moved on to other friends. Maybe you can talk to them instead.”

Clara takes a step toward me, and there’s something in herbody language that is so purposeful, so focused, like a hunter, that I take an involuntary step backward. Her gaze burns into mine. “I’ve known you for years, Aspen. I can tell when you’re lying. And you know where my sister is.”

The thing is, Clara’s right. I do know where Mer is.

She is in the lake, deep underwater, her body slowly decomposing, becoming bloated before falling apart gently. Exactly where I left her a monthago.

17

MEREDITH

One Month Ago

By the time Aspen isdue to arrive at my place, I’m out of breath, my cheeks red with excitement. I can’t think of the last time I felt so much anticipation over meeting anyone, not even a hot date or a meeting with a potential sponsor. No, this trumps them all. I’m waiting for my best friend! The apartment has been tidied up, albeit in a rush, but it’s fine, as I’m not expecting Aspen to open up drawers and closets. I dropped an overnight bag for Luca at Clara’s and told her I have a big date tonight. I couldn’t bear to tell Clara that the “big date” is in fact a reconciliatory meeting with Aspen because, Clara being Clara, she’d just raise one eyebrow and say something along the lines of, “Finally you two are going to get over your little high school spat.” On the way home, I stopped by Trader Joe’s andgrabbed all of Aspen’s favorite snacks, a rotisserie chicken, a salad, plus a bottle of prosecco and a bottle of rosé. We’ll be set for a proper girls’ night in. Right after she forgives me for everything, of course.

I jump when the bell rings. I dart from the living room to the front door, where I fling it open. “Aspen!” I shout, and fling myself at her. She’s wearing her hair differently (a short maroon bob), but despite that, she looks the same as ever, still the same old Aspen, and smells of her favorite shampoo and perfume. And tears fill my eyes because oh my gosh, why did we ever have a falling out? She seems taken aback by my greeting at first, but then her arms encircle me, and she hugs me back just as tightly. When we let go, we’re both laughing and crying. “Come in,” I say through my happy tears.

Once she’s inside, Aspen lifts a bottle of champagne. “I know you said not to bring anything, but I feel like we’re about to have a celebration.”

I laugh and take the bottle from her. “Come on in. Have a seat while I open this. You look amazing, I love what you’ve done with your hair!” My heart is hammering away so hard against my rib cage. Aspen is here. After so long away from each other’s lives, she’s finally here again, in my apartment. My thoughts clash with one another as I go into the kitchen to open the champagne.

I’m so tempted to not tell her anything. Not about the iPad, the meetings I stole, the trolls I incited, and definitely not about kissing Ben. How easy it would be to simply sweep all of that stuff under the rug. Pretend I know nothing about them. I can see it unfolding in my mind’s eye. Me pretending to be horrified when she tells me about the meetings she’s missed and the industry people who have inexplicably snubbed her. Me nodding withempathy when she tells me about her marriage problems. Tempting. So tempting.

But then I think of that look on Liv’s face. The sheer contempt. Like she knows for a fact that I am beneath her. And can I blame her? I am beneath her. I’ve betrayed my best friend in countless unforgivable ways. And maybe the first step in absolving myself is to finally tell Aspen the truth. I’m going to do it. Though maybe it can wait until after we’ve had a couple rounds of drinks. I’m definitely in need of liquid courage.

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” Aspen says as I walk into the living room carrying two flutes of champagne.

I snort. “I literally have not done anything to it that you haven’t already seen.”

She laughs. “Okay, I guess I was just making nervous conversation.”

I lift my glass. “To friendship.”

She grins. “To friendship.” We both drink.

Before Aspen can say anything, I blurt out, “I’m sorry.”

She lowers her glass, staring at me hesitantly. “I lost my shit at you and it wasn’t even your fault. None of it was your fault.”

Her face softens. “Oh, Mer, it’s fine—”

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