Page 36 of Vera Wong's Guide to Snooping (on a Dead Man)

Vera stares hard at him until his voice trails away. TJ can practically feel Mr.Burns’s soul departing his body under Vera’sunwavering stare. After an eternity, Mr.Burns mumbles, “Yes, well, thank you for stopping by, and we’ll see Robin in school tomorrow.”

“Good,” Vera says. She takes out a plastic-wrapped bun and plops it in the middle of Mr.Burns’s desk. “Pork bun for you. I make myself.” With that, she stands up and says, “Come, TJ and Robin.”

And, through TJ’s mystified haze, they do.

Thirteen

VERA

“So…” Robin says as soon as they’re all back inside TJ’s car.

TJ sits there with both hands on the steering wheel, not starting the car or anything. He looks slightly dazed.

Vera rolls her eyes. Why are men always so dramatic? She turns over her shoulder and studies Robin. “You okay, Robin? Want a pork bun?”

“Sure,” she says cheerfully.

Vera gives her a grandmotherly smile as she hands Robin the last pork bun. “You eat more, you too skinny.”

Robin takes a huge bite, her cheeks rounding like a chipmunk. She grins at Vera and says, “So that was pretty freaking badass, Vera.”

Vera’s finger shoots up and points straight at Robin, who stops chewing and freezes. “Robin, you are thirteen. You cannot call me by first name, very disrespectful.”

“Oh,” Robin mumbles. “Sorry.”

“You call me Grandma,” Vera says sternly.

Robin looks up at her. “Really?”

“Yes, what else you gonna call me? Auntie? I am too old to be your auntie. Don’t be silly.”

Robin smiles. “Okay. Well. That was pretty freaking badass, Grandma.”

“Yes, my ass is quite bad.”

At that, TJ snaps out of his stupor. He regards Vera with eyes so wide she can see all the whites around the iris. “I can’t believe you just did that,” he croaks. “You threatened the school principal.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I call it threaten. Why you have to be so dramatic, TJ? You young people always drama this, drama that. I just walk in there and I have discussion with principal, and he come to agree with my viewpoint, that is all.”

“You literally threatened to use CIA tactics to destabilize him,” Robin pipes up.

“Robin, don’t talk with mouth full, very unladylike.”

Robin shrugs.

“Now,” Vera says, turning back to TJ, who shrinks away from her ever so slightly. “Take me to this address.”

“But—” he begins, and Vera stares hard at him until, like Principal Burns, TJ sees the futility in arguing with her and starts the car.

She leans back, satisfied. Is there anything quite as invigorating as threatening people? When Vera was young, she used to read women’s magazines, all of which swore up and down that there is nothing more invigorating than exercise and/or sexual activity. But they really missed out on storming into someone else’s space and brandishing a good, solid threat in their faces. Vera makes a mental note to write a letter to the editors of women’s magazines, tellingthem to suggest making threats as a good pastime for young women. Or maybe she should tell Oliver to write about it for theChronicle. Oh yes, Oliver would appreciate that. He’s always looking for new topics to write about.

On the way to Julia’s, Vera receives a text message.

Tilly:Ma, what’s this I hear about you making a viral video about a dead guy?

Vera sniffs. Oh, Tilly. Always so dramatic.

Vera:New hobby. Doctor says you have to keep busy in old age.

---