Page 5 of Vera Wong's Guide to Snooping (on a Dead Man)

Lucky for that Winifred, Vera has no time to correct her faux French names. She practically snatches the bag of pastries from Winifred and marches out of the bakery with her chin up high. As usual, she places a quick curse on the Café as she walks past it. Atthis time of day, San Francisco has woken up, and the streets are filled with honking cars and the sidewalks with students and office workers rushing, coffee cup in one hand and phone in the other. Not a single one thinks to stop and ask if Vera needs any help. Young people nowadays. But maybe it’s not all their fault. Vera has excellent skin, after all, so maybe they are mistaking her for a spry forty-year-old.Or maybe, a small voice pipes up in the back of her mind,sixty just isn’t that old.Vera mentally swats that voice away. She enjoys being old. Many people across many Asian cultures do, because being seen as old is considered very respectful. Ever since Vera turned fifty, she has been telling Tilly that she is “ancient” and will “die any day now,” and it worked wonders getting him to do chores around the house. So, if she wants to be regarded as a venerable old lady, then she will be regarded as a venerable old lady, damn it.

Outside of the police station, a girl catches Vera’s attention, because unlike everyone else in the city, this girl doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. In fact, she seems to be rather at a loss, standing outside of the double doors and gazing up with wide, scared eyes at the sign that says,San Francisco Police Department. She chews on her thumbnail and hugs herself with her other arm. Vera’s maternal instinct picks her out right away as a vulnerable person (almost as vulnerable as Vera the old lady).

“Why you just standing there?” Vera says kindly to the girl. “You coming in or not?”

The girl’s head whips around and her fearful gaze locks on Vera. Her mouth drops open. “Uh, I—”

“I am about to see my daughter-in-law in there. She is police officer, you know,” Vera says with pride. “Come, you talk to her too, she will listen.”

“Oh, that’s not—it’s okay, thanks,” the girl cries, and hurries off.

She is very obviously not okay, but Vera is carrying way too many bags of food to hurry after her. Plus, she has resolved not to meddle so much this year. With one last look at the girl’s retreating back, Vera turns and walks into the police station.

Making the police report turns out to be a lot more painless than Vera had expected, though the expediency of the process might have to do with Selena’s help.

“Honestly, Selena,” Vera says, “you doing things so fast, people might think is because you don’t want me hanging around here.”

Selena laughs weakly as she types into her computer. “Now, why would anyone ever think that?”

“I don’t know, I am a treat.”

“Yes, you are,” Selena says dryly.

“Well, your food definitely is, Auntie V,” a burly police officer calls out, his mouth full of noodles.

Vera simpers, then turns to Selena and says, “You better take some food first before all these people eat them up.”

Selena sighs. “I just want to make sure that we take care of this ASAP.”

The seriousness in Selena’s voice makes Vera’s stomach curdle. “Is it bad, what happen to me? Will I lose all my saving?”

Selena’s mouth thins. “No, not if I can help it. We’ve checked with your bank to make sure there hasn’t actually been a charge made to your credit card, and we’ve blocked the card, so as far as we know, your money is safe. And now I’m putting it into the system that your identity has been compromised, and this will help safeguard you for the future.”

Vera scrambles to follow all of this. Ugh, if there is one thingshe hates more than anything, it’s feeling small and helpless. She only likes acting like a helpless little old lady; she doesn’t actually like being one, for goodness’ sake.

“In short, everything will be okay,” Selena says, as though she’s realized that Vera is struggling to understand everything she just said. She reaches out and places a gentle hand on Vera’s arm. “You’ll be fine.”

Vera puts her hand over Selena’s. “You are such good xifu. If only Jinlong were here to see you. He will be so happy. He will say, ‘Wah, son, you get such a pretty girlfriend!’ ”

Selena laughs. “Everything Tilly’s told me about his dad has been so sweet. I wish I could’ve met him. Speaking of Tilly, we’re taking a weekend trip to Tahoe, and—”

“You need me to come and feed Chichi,” Vera finishes. “Say no more. I will do it.”

Selena smiles. “Thanks, Vera. Tilly wanted to ask Oliver, but…”

“Oliver!” Vera cries. “What he knows about feeding cats?” To be fair, a small voice in her head whispers,It’s not exactly rocket science, but still.The thought of them asking someone else instead of her to do this is offensive. Vera needs to set a precedent to be the one they turn to when they need someone to take over, whether it be cat sitting or babysitting. “I will do this. I feed the heck out of Chichi.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Selena hits a key on her keyboard and leans back. “There you go. All done. And, Vera, take note, because of what happened, scammers will know you are vulnerable. Expect more scam calls to your number. They’ll come in various forms. They’ll pretend to be from your long-lost family or even from the police. They’ll tell you that you broke some traffic law orsomething and you’re overdue on your fines, and you must pay up or face prison time…”

“What?” Vera snaps. “This is…” She is about to wail about how awful all of this sounds when it hits her that, actually, it isn’t. Because, what could be better than picking up the phone and telling off a few scammers? Oho, she’ll give them a piece of her mind. First, she will tell them that their ancestors are very disappointed in them. Then she will launch into a tirade about young people nowadays. Finally, she will ask if they have eaten, and if not, she will impart some recipe and tell them to go cook themselves a nice meal and ponder their life choices. This is her chance to make a real difference in the world. “Okay,” she says finally. “I understand.”

Selena narrows her eyes. “Vera,” she says in a warning tone, “when you get another scam call, the right thing to do would be to put down the phone. Not give them life advice or offer them food. Okay?”

Aiya, how did Selena guess what Vera had been thinking? Ah, her police instincts.My word, Vera thinks,Selena is going to make an excellent mom.She’s almost as good as a Chinese mom at sniffing out the truth. “Of course I know that,” Vera says, then busies herself with getting up and calling out, “Eh, you all stop eating my food! I cook for my daughter-in—ah, for my Selena, and you all finishing it up!”

Guilty faces look up, most of them chewing, and then look away. Vera walks over to the food containers where, sure enough, there is none left for Selena. “Aiya!”

“Sorry, Auntie V,” someone says.

---