Page 28 of Where Secrets Lie

Her eyes blurred at the pain in his voice. “I want to, Hez, but it’s so very hard. Mom always said she was quitting booze and pills, and I trusted her. I believed her every time. And a few days later, I’d find her drunk or drugged out of her mind. And that’s how I’d find you.”

He took her hand. “I know, honey, and I’m sorry. But I’ve changed.”

She was barely aware of her tears spilling over until she felt their heat on her cheeks. “You never knew her, Hez. She was so beautiful and vibrant. She was a gifted poet, and her work was extraordinary. Everyone loved her too, until the booze and pills changed her. She became a pathetic wreck who never got out of bed. That’s why I left you the first time. I couldn’t stand to watch that happen to you. It changed you. And now you seem to be back, really back. But what if you go down that road again? I couldn’t bear it.” Despair erupted from some dark place where she’d stuffed it. She clutched herself and rocked back and forth in her chair as she sobbed out her fear.

Hez started to leave his chair and move toward her, but she shook her head. “Th-that’s why I was going through the trash. I want to believe you, Hez. Desperately. But my fear is greater right now, and I don’t know how to change that.” She whispered the last words before shame choked them back. He’d mustered up enough faith to trust her with his heart again, and she’d failed him. How did she get past this terror of seeing him walk her mother’s path?

“That’s a hard spot, Savannah,” Pastor Forrest said. “Childhood trauma can be difficult to navigate, and it sounds like yours was particularly bad.”

She raised her head and took the tissue he proffered to mop her face. “I’ve blocked out some of it. My sister remembers details I can’t face. I should probably work harder at remembering those details. If I do, maybe I can let them go.”

“I think a qualified Christian counselor might be exactly what you need. This isn’t straightforward premarital counseling, and it’s likely going to take some deeper work to help you. I have someone in mind, an empathetic woman in Pelican Harbor.” He scribbled on a sticky note and handed it to her. “Here’s her name and number. I think you’ll find her helpful.”

She stared at the note through blurry eyes. “B-but what about the premarital counseling?”

“If you don’t deal with it, your trauma will rear up in ways you aren’t expecting. I’m sorry.”

Shock dried the last of her tears. She hadn’t expected she would be the one with the most problems.

Chapter 16

A pelican swooped down to scoop up a fish in the waves off the pier, and Savannah imagined how that fish must feel. The same hopelessness swirled in her chest as she fingered the paper Pastor Forrest had given her. Hez hadn’t said much and, even now, sat beside her on the bench with his gaze far away.

She stared at the name. Melissa Morris.

Hez moved closer and slipped his arm around her. “You okay, babe?”

“It’s a lot to take in to realize the divorce was m-my fault.”

“That’s not what Forrest said.”

“It was implied. I’m the one who needs additional counseling for ch-childhood trauma. I never came to terms with what happened to Mom, so I just left when you started down the same path. If I’d handled things right when you started drinking, we wouldn’t be here now.”

His warm lips pressed against her temple. “I doubt I would have listened. I was desperate to numb the guilt. We can’t go back and change things. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and go forward.”

She knew she needed to press the issue about whether he was still drinking, but he’d been so sincere in his denial with Pastor Forrest. Whatever had happened, he clearly didn’t believe he’d emptied that wine bottle, but nothing else made any sense. And her reluctance to bring it up again showed her how much she needed that counseling. “I think I’ll make an appointment.”

The wind caught her hair and blew it into his face, but he didn’t brush it away and only pulled her closer. “It hurts to see you cry like you did in his office. I didn’t realize until then how your mother’s drinking affected you. And then I started that cycle all over again. No wonder you couldn’t deal with it.”

“I should have been stronger.”

“No, I shouldn’t have put you through it in the first place. I’m sorry, babe. More sorry than I can say. You are my whole world, and I let you down. I promise I’ll do better. Just trust me.”

She couldn’t look at him and stared out over the whitecaps. “I do trust you, Hez.” It was easier to say than to do. That hard kernel of distrust lodged in her chest, and she didn’t know how to dissolve it.

He tipped her chin toward him. “Then why can’t you look at me and say that?”

Her eyes blurred, and she blinked away the moisture. His expression was so earnest, so sincere. Yet so hurt. She desperately wanted to believe him. “I trust you with my life. I always have.”

He gave a slight nod. “I know you want that to be true, and maybe with counseling it will be. That will take time. I’m glad we didn’t get remarried right away. What did you say that night at Billy’s? We need a clean break and a fresh start so we makesure we don’t fall back into the habits that broke us apart. I’ll prove myself to you. I’m not ever giving up on us.”

“I’m not either.” A hiccupping sob erupted from her throat. “Thank you for sticking with me.”

The pain in his eyes softened. “You had me in the palm of your hand from the first moment we met. I don’t think it’s possible to stop loving you. Even the bottle couldn’t eradicate it.”

She leaned in to kiss him and vowed to fix the damage inside her that childhood trauma had caused. More than anything in the world, she wanted to build a new life with Hez.

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