Page 23 of My Ex-Best Friend's Wedding

“Good morning.” My husband says this as if it’s just any other day, and I realize that maybe to him it is. With the number of all-nighters I’ve been pulling, not to mention the nights I simply fell asleep at my desk, it’s very possible that last night was not the first time he stayed out so late but only the first night I noticed. (Not that you have to stay out past midnight to do things you shouldn’t.)

“How’s the book coming?” he asks more to make conversation than because he thinks I’m ever actually going to finish.

“It’s done.” I look him right in the eye. “I typedThe Endlast night.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not. I finished right around one.” I watch his faceand for a long moment I let him see the hurt and anger in mine. I want him to know that he’s sucked far too much of the pleasure out of finishing, even if I don’t want to have that conversation in front of Lily. I’d give a lot not to have to have that conversation at all.

“That’s so cool, Mom!” Lily’s genuine enthusiasm flows over me. “You should have woken me up to tell me.”

“I considered it. But it was the middle of the night and I knew you had a math test this morning.”

Clay’s eyes widen, and I know he’s trying to decide whether to continue pretending he wasn’t out much past one or make up something that will justify why he was. But even if he claims he was just out drinking with friends will that be better than what I suspect he was doing?

He dishes up plates for Lily and me. All the things I want to say but won’t are stuck in my throat, so there’s no way I’m eating. Even if I could eat, I wouldn’t. But as furious as I am and as much as I’d like to see him squirm, I know that I’m not going to throw his behavior in his face like I’d like to and not just because Lily’s here. But because I don’t know what it would accomplish. Or even if it would make me feel better.

I look down at the eggs and back up at him, so tired of this dance we do. We’ve been at this a long time and I know his tactics. He’ll either pick a fight—because the best defense is a strong offense—or he’ll come up with a conversational diversion that will give him more time to put an alibi together.

“It’s so fabulous that you finished the book,” he says. “I knew you could do it. We’ll have to go out tonight and celebrate. I bet Lauren will be shocked.”

Bingo.

He smiles at me then adds, “It’ll be interesting to meet Lauren’s fiancé, don’t you think?

Well, there you go.

“I mean, this is the first guy she’s brought home.” He doesn’tsound particularly concerned. While Lauren and I have had issues since she left for New York and I didn’t, Clay didn’t wait all that long after they broke up before he started dating again. When she’s here he treats her like everyone else he’s known since childhood. I’m the one who can never forget that he was the person she gave her virginity to or how when she came home and told me all about it I caught myself wishing it had been me in the backseat of the Mustang he’s kept all these years.

“When are we going to see them?” Lily asks. She has no interest in her parents’ lives before she existed and is only vaguely aware that Lauren and I aren’t as close as we used to be. She does, however, know that Lauren is a pretty big deal in the book world and is not averse to using the connection to impress others.

“We’re invited to Kendra’s for brunch tomorrow at eleven.” I’m actually relieved that we’re not joining them for dinner tonight. I think Kendra’s right to keep the evening for just the three of them. Plus, I’m in no hurry to do that thing Lauren and I do for her mother’s sake—where we smile and attempt to talk politely without really saying anything.

Saying nothing isn’t as easy as it should be. There are times I wish we could just shriek it out, maybe even throw a few punches, and finally get everything out in the open so that we’d at least have a chance at getting whatever this impasse is over with somehow.

Every once in a while I let myself wonder what her grievances actually are. I mean, I’m not the one who stole a manuscript and used it to build a career and I don’t see why she’d still be angry that I didn’t go to New York with her when she clearly succeeded in every possible way without me. And it’s not like she could be jealous of me and Clay when they’d already broken up before he asked me out. Unless it’s pure selfishness—not wanting me to have something even though she didn’t want it herself.

I close my eyes and wish I could eject all the old argumentsand justifications circling in my head. When we see each other tomorrow we’ll be bringing all the old baggage with us.

Even having finishedHeart of Gold, I wish I didn’t have to see her. That I didn’t have to make polite conversation with the person I used to share my deepest secrets and aspirations with. Back then it was as if something hadn’t taken place until we’d had a chance to tell the other about it.

I look up and realize that Lily’s saying good-bye and that she and Clay are leaving.

“You decide where you’d like to go for dinner tonight,” he says as I notice the dirty pans and dishes he’s left piled in the sink. After the kitchen door closes behind my husband, I try to imaginewantingto go anywhere with him let alone to celebrate such an important milestone, but my imagination isn’t up to the job. It is, however, up to picturing all kinds of nasty fates for him. Including him being so tired from his nocturnal activities that right after he’s left Lily off at school, he falls asleep at the wheel and has some sort of horrible and possibly disfiguring though not fatal accident.

I’m still standing at the kitchen door staring out through the screen long after they leave. Of course, the sun would finally come out today. Of course, the weather’s perfect. No doubt because Lauren’s gracing us with her presence and not because I managed to finally typeTHE END!

Lauren

En route to LaGuardia Airport

Just as he predicted, it took Spencer all of fifteen minutes to pack this morning, which is beyond annoying. He whistled while he was doing it then ran out to our favorite bodega for egg, cheese, and bacon sandwiches. Normally this wouldhave made me happy, but I don’t eat before I fly. Ever. At least nothing that might come up when the plane goes into its final death spiral.

He wolfed his down while I was doing deep-breathing exercises and trying to visualize an outcome that didn’t include falling out of the sky. Then he ate mine so it wouldn’t go to waste.

We take a black car to the airport and shortly after we pull out into traffic he puts his arm around my shoulders. “You okay?”

I nod mutely. I’m not, but I’ve learned that admitting my fear out loud somehow makes it worse. But while I don’t want to talk about my fear, I do appreciate his concern. He’s driven and highly competitive, but everything is not all about him. He never forgets about the people around him. It’s one of his best qualities.

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