Page 57 of My Ex-Best Friend's Wedding

In the silence that follows Bree motions to Clay but addresses Lauren. “We’re going to go home and give you all a chance to talk, but I’ll be up in case you need anything when you get back to the house. Thanks for dinner, Jake.”

“I’ll go take care of the bill and give you some privacy,” Jake says as soon as Bree and Clay head for the door.

“No.” Lauren shakes her head. “I’m not listening to her unless you are.”

“Okay.” He motions me to the chair directly across from them.

As I sit Spencer takes one of Lauren’s hands in his. A waiter arrives with after-dinner liqueurs. I take a sip as I try to gather my thoughts. Lauren downs hers in one anxiousgulp and I am reminded yet again how much I’ve hurt her.

I can barely swallow around the panic that rises in my throat. As hard as it is, I look her in the eye. “I have never loved another human being, including myself, as much as I love you.

“My one clear thought when you were born and after was that I had to keep you and protect you.”

She’s still glaring at me, but she hasn’t left. So I keep talking. I am like Scheherazade only the words that rush out of my mouth are not meant to stave off a king but to hold on to my daughter.

“I was barely twenty-one and I had lived a pampered and sheltered life. I had no business being a mother, no understanding of what it really meant. I was so uncertain of what I wanted that I couldn’t even marry the person I loved.” Memories of that swirl of panic envelop me. So much damage done. “But from the moment they placed you in my arms all I could think about was keeping you safe. And that meant keeping you away from my father, who wanted me to give you up, and his influence over me.” I swallow back tears before rushing on.

“I always intended to tell you and your father about each other. Only when you were barely one, my aunt Velda told me Jake was getting married.” I remember how much that news hurt. How much I missed him and how desperately I clung to it as proof that I’d been right not to marry him. “It was a horrible blow. Because I’d already realized what a mistake I’d made in running. I, you see, I still loved him. To this day I don’t really understand why I ran.” I can’t even look at Jake while I admit this. “But I figured there was plenty of time until you were old enough to even understand. And, of course, everyone here had already assumed I’d lost a husband. And I had never corrected them.”

“You were only thinking about what people would think of you.” Lauren’s words are black and white. There is no hint of gray.

“No. Jake had already married someone else and my father was still looking for me and pretending even to our family that my pregnancy had never happened.

“By the time I was ready to tell your father, he was not only married but had started a family. I was keeping a roof over ourheads and we were all right. It seemed better to let things be.” Painful as they are the words continue to spill out. “And then you turned five. I’d promised myself I’d tell you when you were old enough to understand. It was also the year you started asking about your father who ‘went to heaven.’ You’d just started Sunday school and that was how your teacher referred to him—when Velda started telling me about Jake’s wife and their... situation.”

I look to Jake to make sure he understands that I’m going to tell Lauren all of it. His expression is pained but he nods.

“You already told me she was unstable.” Lauren says this as if it’s nothing. “I don’t see...”

“That’s because you never had to see.” I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “But I knew firsthand what it meant. My mother was in and out of institutions. Never really there even when she was physically present.” I can feel my heart racing. I’m strangely light-headed. “And I heard that Jake’s wife was obsessed with being second choice. That even a mention of me or my family could set her off.”

Lauren looks to Jake for verification. He nods again. The toll it took is in his eyes and on his face.

“I couldn’t expose you to that, Lauren. And I believed it would only make the situation worse for Jake and his children. I couldn’t be the one to push her over the edge or set her off. Because I knew exactly what that could do to a child. To a family. I couldn’t.”

Lauren has gone still but I can see that she doesn’t want to believe any of it. Spencer is also silent, taking in every word and nuance.

“I would give anything to go back and see a way to do things differently.” I’m exhausted and heartsick from the admission I’ve been forced to make. The pain I’m causing is too sharp to be borne; a knife to my heart. “But I did what I thought was right. And this is where we are.”

“You taught me to always tell the truth,” she whispers. “You said it was the most important thing after love.”

“It is.” My voice breaks on the last word. “Only I thought this truth would destroy too many lives.”

“You chose protecting them, their family, over giving me my father.”

I don’t know what to say to this. Jake sits motionless in his seat. Lauren watches my face, but I don’t know what she’s looking for.

“I can understand you protecting me as a child. And your concern about Jake and his family,” she says finally. “But I am forty years old. And as far as I can see you intended to carry this secret to the grave.” Her eyes fill with tears that she does not shed. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to forgive that. Or how I could ever trust you again.” The sheen of tears is replaced by a frightening resolve.

My mouth goes dry with fear.

“Is there anything else you want to say?”

“Only that I love you and that I am truly sorry for not making sure you knew your father and your grandparents.” I swallow. “And that I... I hope that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”

There’s a long terrible silence. Without another word she pushes back her chair. We all stand. Spencer puts his arm around her shoulders and as dazed and bereft as I feel, I’m grateful that she has someone who loves her to lean on. She turns without saying good-bye and they make their way to the door.

Jake hangs back for a moment. “I realize she’ll need time to come to terms with what’s happened, but surely she won’t...”

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