Page 61 of My Ex-Best Friend's Wedding

“No, not yet,” I say, offering my standard response. “I’m still planning to do a final pass to clean everything up. But I’m going to take a couple weeks to get some distance first.” I offer a reassuring smile. “All the how-to-get-published books suggest this.”

“You really should ask Lauren to read it for you. She could tell you if it needed anything.”

She’s said this too many times to count. Each time I just smile and change the subject. Lauren and I did not end on the best of notes. And even if we had, I’m no more ready for criticism from her than I ever was.

Lily has cheerleading practice this afternoon, so I swing by Kendra’s. I find her in the kitchen pulling trays of muffins out of the oven. The kitchen smells warm and sugary. Although she has dark circles under her eyes and a worry-crease in her forehead, I’m relieved to see her dressed and working.

I am not so relieved at how differently I view her. I’ve been forced to take her off the pedestal on which I placed her and accept that she’s human. I’ve also been forced to confront the fact that my not going to New York had serious consequences for Lauren. Consequences that I’ve been too caught up in my own needs and wants to ever imagine or, if I’m honest, even ask about. It was so much easier to just hold on to my jealousy and dismiss her grudge as unreasonable.

“Lemonade?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Kendra pours us both a glass and sets out a plate of cookies. As if I’m still that lonely girl Lauren brought home after school. “Have you had any word?”

“From Lauren?”

She nods then droops when I say, ‘No.”

“I’m sure she’ll get over it,” I add, though I’m not at all sure.

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes.” I hesitate. “But I can understand her reaction. It wassuch a big shock and, well, from her point of view you did choose Jake and his family’s needs over hers.”

I keep Lauren’s description of what happened when she first got to New York to myself, because I’m ashamed of my part in it and because it will only make Kendra feel worse. It’s not my story to tell.

“And is that how you see it, too?” Her eyes are pinned to my face for the eternity it takes to weigh my answer.

“Well,” I say when it becomes clear she’s not going to let me off the hook. “I believe you did what you thought was right at the time.” I swallow, searching for the words that will allow me to tell the truth without inflicting more hurt than necessary. But there is no pain-free option here. “But I also think Lauren and Jake deserved to know about each other, especially once Lauren and his other children were adults.”

Her nod is slow. Neither of us touches our lemonade or reaches for a cookie. “I know I need to do something, only I can’t think what. I’d go to New York right now. Except I’m afraid that if I show up at her door she won’t let me in.”

It’s my turn to nod. This is entirely possible.

Her eyes shimmer with tears. As they begin to fall I realize that while she’s dried my tears lots of times, I’ve never seen her cry. She’s always been upbeat and positive. I learned to put one foot in front of the other no matter what I feel like on the inside from watching her and my grandmother.

“I’m even more afraid that she’ll never forgive me.”

“Oh no. I’m sure she’ll...” I stop. Because this is not the time to offer idle promises. “I don’t think that will happen. But I do think she probably needs more time to process and absorb everything.”

I can hardly meet her eyes. I desperately want to help, but I also want to run as far away as possible from all this hurt and pain. I am not the brave one, I never have been.

I leave Kendra’s in an emotional fog that sticks with methrough the grocery store and I come home laden with all kinds of things I rarely buy. This includes assorted containers of Häagen-Dazs Trio Crispy Layers; a decadent new addition to the ice cream world that I’ve mostly managed to resist. Until now.

When I lug the bags into the kitchen Lily is standing motionless in front of the open refrigerator. She looks up as I enter. Her expression is tragic. Kendra isn’t the only person that I love who’s been crying.

“What’s happened?” The fact that whatever it is has sent her to the refrigerator makes me more anxious. How many years have I been coaxing her to eat more than bird-size amounts? I rush to put the groceries down even though I feel ill equipped to handle a meltdown right now. Or any other emotional challenge. Not when I seem to be having one of my own.

“It’s Shane. Shane Adams. He... flirted with me and told me that he really liked me. I thought he was going to ask me out, but now he barely even notices me.” Her chin juts and quivers. “I saw him hanging out with Kelsey Gardner yesterday. I feel like I’lldieif he asks her out instead of me.”

I study her more closely. “You’re not going todieover Shane or any other boy.”

“I feel like I might.”

I sigh. “I wouldn’t spend thirty seconds mooning over anyone who doesn’t appreciate you.”

“I amnotmooning. What does that even mean anyway?”

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