Page 87 of 7 Days and 7 Nights

“Sorry, can’t do it.” She went up on tiptoe, gave him a friendly peck on the cheek, and practically ran out the front door.

Dawg watched the door swing shut. In the empty living room he muttered, “I guess I won’t be needin’ to get down on one knee today.” And wondered why he didn’t feel relieved.

???

At 9:00 AM Olivia went on the air looking for a little satisfaction. “Good morning, everyone,” she said. “This isLiv Livefresh from the beach, back in the saddle, and eager to deal with your problems. But before we start with your questions, I’d like to do something a little different.”

Olivia punched up the music she’d asked Diane to put together, a compilation of female affirmations from the seventies and eighties. Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman” bled seamlessly into Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” as Olivia prepped her listeners.

“My recent experiences have forced me to take an all-too-personal look into the male psyche, and I have to tell you it’s not pretty in there. In my opinion, women are looking for answers, while men—at least the kind of men who dwell in places like Never Land and Fantasy Island— are busy trying to duck the questions. Today’s show is about coping with reality, women’s reality.

“My declaration last week, and Matt Ransom’s lack of response, is a prime example of how differently men and women handle their lives. I find myself wondering how many men could survive even one day as a woman.”

Olivia let the question hang there for a few seconds and then continued. “So today, just for fun, and because I really need to vent, we’re going to create our own version ofSurvivor... for men.”

She winked at Diane and settled into her seat. “Here’s the deal: Ten men get dropped in suburbia and have to survive a woman’s life. They each have an SUV, three kids—all of whom play at least one sport and take either music or dance lessons—and little to no help from their significant other.

“Your job is to help figure out what hoops they have to jump through.”

Olivia brought the instrumental track of “I Will Survive” up full and then took it under. A glance at the monitor showed callers stacked up and eager to play the game.

“Okay, I’ve got Miranda on the air,” Olivia said. “What else do you think our contestants should have with them?”

“The family dog,” Miranda chirped. “She’s in heat, wearing diapers, and the kids are asking questions.”

“Ooh good one, Miranda. Any other ideas?”

“I think they should have to shave their legs and wear makeup.”

Olivia’s next caller was a woman named Dawn. “It’s the middle of summer and the SUV’s A/C is on the fritz—oh and the kids are all whining that they're hungry.”

“Oof… no A/C in Atlanta. That’s no joke,” Olivia smiled. “And why don’t we go ahead and outlaw fast food while we’re at it? I think our contestants should have to cook everything they serve." She smiled again as the number of waiting calls doubled. “Hi, Tina. You’re on the air.”

“Hi, Dr. O. I think we should make them do the laundry and clean up after a sick kid at 2 AM. And I don’t think they should be allowed to watch television until the kids are asleep and all the chores are done.”

“Cool.” Olivia grinned evilly. “And let’s make sure none of the TVs have a remote.”

Diane punched up a sound effect of gasps of horror while Olivia kept the music low underneath.

“This is your fantasy, ladies. Don’t hold back,” Olivia said as she took another call. “Carmen, it’s your turn. Tell me what you have in store for our contestants.”

“I’d like to see them sit through a PTA meeting and accurately report the results. Or build a model of Mount Vesuvius out of flour and water—the night before it’s due. Better yet, let’s let them convince a three-year-old to eat a spoonful of peas.”

Olivia blinked. “This is getting kind of scary.”

Carmen laughed. “Yeah. Real life can take more out of you than trekking the Australian Outback or the Himalayas.”

Olivia couldn’t help smiling as she prepared to segue into the commercial break. “You know, if we throw in potty training and trying to get the opposite sex to admit their feelings, our contestants will be begging to get voted out.”

Olivia brought up Beyoncé’s “Run The World (Girls)” letting it continue underneath her voice as she headed into the commercial break. “As far as I’m concerned, we have a hit TV show on our hands. Thanks for helping me vent, ladies. I think it’s time to move on to your issues now. If you’ve got something on your mind, give me a call. I’m ready to help you live your life...live."

???

Matt stepped onto the front porch of the home he’d grown up in. It was a low, sprawling house built in the once popular Prairie style, and like the more impressive Victorians and Tudors that dotted the tree-lined Northside Chicago neighborhood, it had been painstakingly maintained.

He rang the bell and soon saw his mother’s figure approaching through the art glass inset in the old wooden door. He could still remember her shouts of “Don’t slam it, you’ll break the glass,” but couldn’t remember a time he or Adam had ever heeded the warning.

The door swung open, and his mother stood there. Before the smile lit her face, for just that instant before she caught herself, her gaze swung to Matt’s right, where Adam had always stood. And even after twenty-three years, she seemed surprised to find him missing.

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