Page 161 of Crocodile Tears

“Hattie was a one-off. I can’t imagine ever loving a dog as much as I loved her, so it wouldn’t be fair to have another one.”

“Dogs, husbands… I’m thinking this is a theme for you,” Alexander mused.

Josiah grunted.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said last night – that the thought of sleeping with me disgusts you,” Alexander said unexpectedly.

Josiah winced. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant the idea of taking advantage of an IS disgusts me – not you. You’re an IS, and I’m your houder; I don’t see how consent is possible in those circumstances. That might not have bothered your previous houders, but it bothers me.”

Alexander chuckled. “You really are very sweet sometimes, butsupposing I genuinely wanted to? You’re denying me my own agency, because you’re the houder and have all the power. How is that right, either?”

Josiah rocked back on his heels. “Good point. But how would I know if you genuinely wanted me, or if you were just trying to please me?”

“Why couldn’t it be both?” Alexander challenged.

“I don’t want you to try and please me just because I’m your houder and have power over you.”

Alexander shot him a thoughtful look. “You’re not like any houder I’ve had before.”

“That’s a good thing, I hope.”

“Yes – a very good thing – and it makes you all the more attractive.” Alexander tilted his head in a way that was both defiant and yet strangely vulnerable at the same time.

“Attraction is one thing, but I’ve found that sex is much better when you’re in love.”

Alexander shrugged. “I’ve never been in love, so I wouldn’t know.”

“That’s so sad,” Josiah said, with a little shake of his head. “How come?”

Alexander mused on that for a moment, and then he looked up, straight at Josiah, with an expression of raw honesty in his eyes. This, finally, was the real Alexander – he was sure of that.

“I suppose, for a long time, I thought I didn’t deserve it,” the indie said quietly.

“Because of what happened to your mum?”

“Yes.” Alexander swallowed hard, but he didn’t take refuge behind his mask. Josiah watched him closely, fascinated by this tantalising glimpse of a man he’d found maddeningly opaque up until this point.

“Then, after I was sold as an IS, I made a friend for the first time in my life. Ironic, isn’t it? I had to lose everything to find a true friend.” He gave a wry smile. “She was kind to me, and our friendship made me realise that maybe I wasn’t so completely unlovable after all.” He paused, as if trying to decide whether to continue. Maybe he felt he’d said too much, exposed too much of his true self, but after a moment’shesitation, he ploughed on. “Then I met this remarkable man,” he said softly.

Josiah gazed at him steadily, sensing he was being told something important, that wasn’t easily shared. “What happened?”

“Timing,” Alexander said wistfully. “It was a long time ago. I barely knew him, but he made me feel something. Is it possible to fall in love in an instant? Without even really knowing someone?”

“I fell in love with Peter the second he handed me a tiny puppy and asked me to hide her. At the time I didn’t know it was love, but I felt something significant. Maybe that’s just the spark, and the real thing takes longer to develop, and you never had that chance with whoever…” Josiah stopped, bemused by the fact he had just shared something so personal with a man he barely knew.

“Yes, maybe. I’ve thought about him so much over the years and wished I could be with him. I can’t call it love, because I didn’t really know him, and he certainly had no interest in me.” Alexander gave a rueful smile.

“Maybe it’s better that way, as a fantasy. I don’t think I’m the kind of person he’d want, to be honest. Deep down, I don’t believe I truly deserve him.”

“For what it’s worth,Ithink you deserve to love and be loved,” Josiah told him firmly.

“I’m an IS and likely to remain so for the rest of my life.” Alexander shrugged. “So even if it could happen, the outcome is unlikely to be happy, for all concerned.”

It was a good point, and not one Josiah had an answer for. An indie as expensive as Alexander had little chance of ever being given his freedom, or permission to marry. His heart ached for him.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Josiah said quietly. “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

“It wasn’t. I’d tell you more, but…” Alexander tilted his chin and gazed up at Josiah defiantly.

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