Page 49 of Crocodile Tears

“Yeah, and the pub landlady came over and said lunch was on the house. People kept coming over and congratulating him while we ate, and afterwards everyone crowded around and took selfies with him, so that made him happy. Mum went outside for a cigarette, and I went to find her. Dad didn’t like her smoking, so she winked and told me it was our little secret, and we had a laugh about it.”

He stopped and glanced out of the window again, at the gloomy November skies. “I kept some matches in my wallet, and as I got them out I saw the little stash of croc inside. To be honest, I’d forgotten it was there, but when I saw it, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I went to the pub toilet and inhaled it all in one go. Then I went back outside, and we carried on with our outing.”

“Didn’t your mum or your brother notice the tears running down your face?”

“Charles was sitting behind me, so he wouldn’t have seen, and the duck’s roof was still rolled back and the wind kept blowing Mum’s hair into her face, so she didn’t notice. If I could go back…” He closed his eyes tightly. “I would do anything to change what happened that day. I made a big mistake.”

“And you’ve been paying for it ever since.” She caressed the side of his face.

“It’s only what I deserve.”

“Punishing yourself won’t change what happened.”

“Who said I punish myself?”

“Don’t you? Isn’t that partly what your nasty little relationship with Neil is all about? You think you deserve him and all his weird, twisty little mind games. He’s your punishment – and the drink, and the croc, and the sex are all to take the edge off the pain when it gets too bad.”

“And why do you take croc and settle for a once-a-week relationship with a fucked-up man who will never give you the love you deserve?” he shot back.

“That’s easy.” She gave another of those sad smiles and drew his head down for a kiss. “I’m a glutton for punishment, too.”

Frowning, he pushed her away, so he could look at her. “What do you think you should be punished for? You didn’t have anything to do with the accident that killed your parents.”

“No, but I’d had a big argument with my mum the day before they died, so I wasn’t speaking to her when she left that day. I’m fairly sure that my last words to her were ‘I hate you and wish you were dead’.” She put a finger in her hair and curled it around and around, like a child.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her and rested his forehead against hers.

“So, it looks like we’re both fucked up,” she said.

He smiled. “Misery loves company.” He kissed her again and then picked her up and carried her over to the bed.

Unwrapping the sheet from around her body, he sprinkled a packet of croc on her smooth brown belly, and then slowly lowered his head to inhale.

When he raised his head a few seconds later the drug had worked its magic, and he was feeling loose and happy. Then the tears began streaming down his face. Solange laughed and brushed them away with her fingertips. Sprinkling some croc on the back of her hand, she inhaled it, and when he kissed her again, she was crying, too.

They made love slowly, crying crocodile tears throughout, and afterwards he wrapped her up in his arms and held her tight.

“I wish Icouldlove you,” he told her. “I honestly do. You know that, right?”

“Yes.” She smiled and kissed his shoulder. “I know that, Alex.”

They fell asleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and he awoke with a start a couple of hours later.

“Shit. I need to go,” he said, glancing at his watch.

“Why? Is Neil going to tell you off?” she grumbled sleepily.

“Well, it’s nine-thirty, and he asked me to be back by eight for some reason, so yeah. I think I’m in trouble.” He slid off the bed and scrambled into his clothes.

“Better run back to the ball and chain, then,” she said, making a face at him.

“Don’t start,” he said. “I use him just as much as he uses me – it works both ways.” He paused at the bedroom door. “Same time next week?”

She sighed. “Yeah. Same time next week.”

The flat appeared to be in darkness when he got back, which was ominous. Alex walked into the kitchen to find dozens of candles glowing and the table set for dinner. Neil was sitting at one end, his arms folded across his chest.

“Nice of you to show up, finally,” he snapped.

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