Page 101 of Fighting Spirit

I cringe at the thought of asking Dr. Melville for another deadline extension. “I don’t think so.”

“Even with your ADHD? They don’t give you any leeway?”

I shrug, embarrassed at the answer.

“Ruth, you’re getting support, right?”

“Not really.”

“But they know about it?”

“They know…” I trail off, my thoughts too much of a jumble to keep track of.

“But?”

“I guess. I don’t know. I haven’t really gotten into how bad it is.”

His eyes look almost as helpless as I feel. My heart breaks for him. I’ve lived with this my whole life, but this is all new for him. I hate being the one problem he can’t fix. “Why aren’t they helping you?”

“I tried, but when I went to the school, it was this whole process and a bunch of forms, and I couldn’t face it.” I cringe, remembering how my stomach had dropped at what felt like a mountain to climb to get accommodations.

“When was this?”

“Freshman year.” I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to see his judgment.

“Jesus, Ruth.” Rowan moves, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling me onto his lap. “Have you talked to anyone about it?”

“No,” I say as I rest my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand, engulfing it in both of his. The warmth of his palms helps to ground me. It stops me from getting caught up in the speed of my brain and losing myself.

“Can I ask why not?” There’s no scorn there, none of what I’m used to hearing. He’s not trying to tell me how to solve my problems or what I should be doing, he doesn’t think less of me, he’s just happy to hear me out.

I try to work out what to say. There’s so much to explain and I barely understand it myself. “It just feels really insurmountable, like it was this whole thing and I didn’t know how to fix it, so I just kept putting it off, and then suddenly a whole year had passed, and I was in this black hole I couldn’t get out of, andall my professors think I’m lazy and that I don’t care because I forget projects and I don’t study for tests.” It’s hard to keep talking through the tears that threaten to come again. “But I care so much! They just never see that because none of them think to wonder why I’m having so much trouble.”

“Frog.” The word catches in Rowan’s throat, all hoarse and broken. He tightens his grip around me like he can stop anything bad from touching us with the force of his hold.

“It’s okay,” I say half-heartedly. “I just gotta get through it, try and find something that works.”

Something in Rowan snaps at my words; he deposits me next to him, and then he’s up, pacing back and forth as I just watch. I don’t know what to say to make this better for him, it’s not often that I’ve seen him lose his composure like this, and to have him so distressed makes me cry even harder.

He pauses in his movements and turns to take in my tear-streaked face. He falls to his knees in front of me, his body thudding on the carpet as he holds my cheeks. “Ruth, Frog, no.” He keeps wiping my face like it’ll make a difference. “You gotta stop, baby. You’re fuckin’ killing me here.”

“I don’t want to live like this,” I wail, “I want to be normal. I can’t do anything, I can’t keep my room clean, I can’t do my dishes or shower or brush my teeth without a chart telling me to. I just want to get through school without feeling like such a total fuckup all the time.” Every bad feeling I’ve ever had, every mean comment or condescending word I’ve ever heard crashes over me like a wave. It’s like I’m drowning with no way to the surface.

“No, no, no, you’re not. You’re not a fuckup.” He looks close to tears himself. “You’re so fuckin’ brilliant, Ruth, you don’t even get it. You have this amazing creative brain with all this energy, and so much love, and it’s just that the world’s not built for you, but that’s not on you, you hear me? There’s nothing wrong with you, not one single thing.”

“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper.

“We’ll figure it out, you and me, okay? If you want we can go see academic support in person, I could come with you, or we could go see your doctor. I don’t know, we don’t need to have an answer, but the point is that you’re not alone anymore.”

His words are an arrow, and I feel my face crumpling. My forehead rests against his, and for one blissful moment, it’s as if we’re one person. But for all the relief of finally having someone on my side, I can’t quite believe it. “My parents barely even speak to me because I’m such an embarrassment.”

Something like a growl comes from low in Rowan’s throat. He takes hold of my chin, forcing me to look him in the face as he speaks. “I’m not embarrassed. I’m not them, and I’m not fuckin’ going anywhere.”

I blink rapidly.

“Say it back.”

“But-”

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