Page 111 of Fighting Spirit

Georgie’s smile is a little wobbly, sagging at the edges like she can’t quite hold it up. “Hey, I thought you were gonna be back later.”

Does she not want me here?

“Oh, um-sorry?”

That seems to jolt her out of whatever trance she’s in. “Oh god, no, that came out wrong.” She runs a hand through her hair. “You live here too. Obviously, it’s fine.”

Did they think I wouldn’t come back? Is that why they’re here?

“We were actually just finishing,” Steph chimes in from the floor. They all start moving at once, packing up notes and folding pizza boxes until it’s like they were never there. They mutter awkward goodbyes and file out, Steph stopping to give Georgie a quick hug. Indira’s the only one to look at me, her face burning red as she gives me an apologetic smile. It’s the kind of look someone gives an elderly dog who doesn’t know they’re going on that last trip to the vet.

Throughout all of it, I stand awkwardly by the kitchen island, feeling like the ground under my feet is shifting. I almost want to clutch the counter to stay upright, but Rowan’s at my back, his solid presence holding me up.

“What’s going on?” I ask as Georgie locks the door. “They didn’t need to go. You guys weren’t done.”

“Are you okay?” she asks as she steps toward me. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I didn’t know we were studying tonight?”

“You were busy.” She frowns. “Can you please tell me what’s going on? You’re kind of freaking me out.”

I shake my head, trying to get my jumbled thoughts into some sort of sense. “You didn’t even tell me you were all meeting up?”

“Ruth, we were just studying.”

“Do you do that a lot?”

Her face is all confusion. “Yeah, kinda?”

“And you don’t tell me?”

“We just have our study group meetings.” She puts a hand on my elbow and I fight the urge to brush it off. I’m so confused, but I know that I don’t really want her touching me. “Ruth, please tell me what’s happened. Why were you crying?”

Oh.

I finally get what’s happening, and I can’t believe how long it’s taken me.

They didn’t want me here.

The weight of the realization hits me so hard I take a step back, almost landing on Rowan’s feet. He pulls me into him, his presence reassuring even as he doesn’t speak. He probably doesn’t know what to say either.

I don’t know how long they’ve all been hanging out without me, but tonight obviously isn’t the first time. This is why Steph introduced me as ‘Georgie’s roommate.’ That’s just how they see me. All along, I thought we were friends, that they were my people, my college family, and they didn’t even want me around.

I should have seen it a while ago, but I guess I was just so desperate for attention, desperate for somebody to care about me, that I managed to convince myself of something that wasn’t true.

This is Georgie’s real life. And I’m not in it.

I wanted so badly for us to be those kinds of inseparable friends who are each other’s maids of honor, who raise their kids together, that I completely fabricated the whole thing. My breaths come hard as I remember the way I latched onto her theminute we got assigned as roommates. I went with her to every orientation event. If we had a class together, I’d always sit by her, always want to study together. Did she ever even want that? Does she even like me?

It's a physical pain, one that wraps around my chest like razor wire, tightening with every breath. I’d double over if I didn’t have Rowan holding me up. I dig my fingertips into his forearm as Georgie comes closer, stepping into my space.

I know I’m catastrophizing. I can see that after everything that’s happened tonight, my brain is doing what it does best and jumping to the absolute worst-case scenario: the nuclear option, where Georgie’s secretly hated me for the past two years and never said anything because she needed someone to split the rent with. I know that’s probably not true, but I can’t stop thewhat-ifsfrom coming.

The whole of my time at Allbreck flashes before me like the last moments while I’m dying, and it kind of feels like I am. Every time I heard about plans at the last minute, or when Georgie asked to hang out because something else fell through. I’m always her last choice.

I’m always everybody’s last choice.

“I think we should go,” Rowan says from behind me.

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