Page 125 of Fighting Spirit

“Was he your friend?”

I nod.

“He didn’t know me?”

Shake.

“You didn’t tell him about me?”

A tear tracks down my cheek.

“Do any of your friends know about me?” Her voice cracks on the words.

I force myself to say it, knowing I owe her that much. “No.”

Her whole body sags, her face crumpling. I think we both notice her arm still clinging to mine at the same time. As she moves to tug it free, I instinctively trap it closer, wanting to keep that point of connection. She takes a firm step back, and cold air rushes in, chilling me to the bone as we’re pulled apart.

“Why?” She lifts her chin high, meeting my gaze firmly even as her lower lip quivers.

I don’t know how to explain. I don’t know how to tell her I felt like I was spinning plates, worried that if I made the slightest move, then they would all crash to the floor. How do I tell her I thought that being with her would cost me everything else, that I feared it would destroy the team and ruin any chance of me being able to be a good coach to them? That I couldn’t stop picturing Fitz’s face when he found out I did the one thing he asked me not to?

“I-” I’m drowning, gasping for air as I try to come up with any way of making this better. It’s like my thoughts are trapped inside me, and even though I know that I should say something, that anything would be better than this floundering silence, I can’t quite make it happen.

“So this whole time, I’ve just been some dirty secret?” She spits out the words. “Am I really that embarrassing?”

“No.” I step toward her. “Absolutely not.” Her thinking this is something to do with her, that I’m ashamed of her, is more than I can take.

I move to hold her again, but she stops me with a hand to my chest. Her fingers curl into the fabric of my shirt, a tiny flex that comes with the slight scratch of her nails.

I wish she’d press harder.

I hope she leaves a mark.

“Then why?”

“I was waiting for the right time.” I sound as pathetic as I feel.

“Why would you need a right time to mention your girlfriend?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m sure I can keep up.” Her expression is hard as granite.

“I don’t know how to explain.”

“Then let me try.” Her jaw ticks as fury takes over her features. I’m almost relieved, it’s better than the raw hurt and betrayal that marred her face before. “This whole time, youlet me believe that you were serious about this, that we were on even footing, but really you’ve been sneaking around, not wanting anyone to know about me. I mean, Jesus Christ, Rowan, I’m practically living at your house! Have you been bundling me out the door without me noticing?”

“No-”

“How the hell have I been so stupid?” Her voice breaks into a sob, and it’s all I can do not to wrap her up in my arms. “I didn’t even notice that the only friend I’ve met was Trevor! I’m so blind that I didn’t question it when you showed up at my game in a fucking disguise! Is it that hard to be seen with me?”

“Ruth, please-”

“You know, I thought it was sweet how you always came to me. I told myself it was because you had the truck, you wanted to make an effort to always see me in my town, but it was all for you, wasn’t it? It was so that none of your precious teammates would see you slumming it with the likes of me.”

“Ruth,” I try to stop her, but she’s too far gone. I should have known. I should have realized after everything that happened with Marshall in the past, that after her world got shaken by Georgie and after she’s spent her whole life being told that she’s too much, too loud, too brash, that all of that would make her believe this is anything except me being a complete fuckup. Instead, I stumbled right into the kind of situation that would hurt her the most. I’ve poked at every sore and delicate part of her. Me, who’s supposed to be the person she can count on, I’m the one who’s done this.

I’m burning with so much shame I could die of it.

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