Page 132 of Fighting Spirit

“Look,” he interrupts. “Yes, given what’s happening next year, getting involved with a student at another college isn’t ideal, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

“But Simmons-”

“Was a forty-five-year-old with a wife and child, running off with a teenager. It’s not the same.”

I chew on the inside of my cheek.

“I just don’t want to let you down,” I say, my throat tightening until I can hardly breathe.

“Rowan,” he sighs, “you’re not letting anybody down. I know you, I know what’s in your heart. I know you’ll put this team first, probably more than you should. But son, you can stop now. You don’t have to keep holding up the whole world on your own. You gotta let yourself be happy.”

I can’t keep it in, the tears come, heavy sobs that shake my whole body. Fitz stands and I hear the door click shut, the first time he’s closed it fully as long as I’ve known him. He crouches next to my seat and wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“I love you, kid. Just don’t go tell that girl of yours all our secrets, yeah?”

Chapter Fifty-Four

RUTH

The only other person taking the exam drops their paper on the front desk and heads out, leaving just me and the TA with the sound of the clock for company. I’m only about three-quarters of the way through the questions, but for once, I’m not freaking out.

Thanks to Christina, who’s basically turned into my knight in shining armor, my professor agreed to give me an extra forty-five minutes. Plus, for the couple of classes I’ve had between seeing Christina and now, I’ve been sent the slides in advance. It’s been a game changer.

When I finally turn in my paper, I feel a flood of relief. It’s the first test I’ve sat in my whole time at college where I’m not leaving with thoughts of missing a question, or knowing I didn’t write down something I later remembered. I almost don’t care what my score is, having actually done my best is enough to have me walking on air.

When I pull out my cell to give Rowan the good news, all that goodness breaks, a fresh wave of hurt crashing over me when I remember exactly why I can’t. God, I told myself that I was done feeling this way. I’m not going to let myself keep beingdevastated by this. He’s just a guy! If he doesn’t think I’m worth mentioning to people, then fuck him, it’s his loss.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself, knowing it’s easier to stay angry than to keep being so sad all the time.

I shoot off a text to Clara and get back a string of excited GIFs with promises for celebratory drinks. We’ve been meeting up to study together and it’s been amazing. She’s funny and supportive and never bullshits me; half the time we spend in the library, she ends up sitting on my phone so that I’ll stop doom scrolling and actually look at my textbooks. Honestly, if I get a decent grade in this test, then I owe it to her.

I’m about to head out of the building when I spot Dr Melville walking down the hall toward me. I give her a polite nod, not expecting her to stop, but she draws to an abrupt halt.

“Miss Walcott,” she greets me with a tight smile.

“Hi, Professor.”

“Did you enjoy your extra time?” Her question is innocent enough, but I don’t like the way she looks down her nose at me, her eyes cold.

I square my shoulders, not in the mood to let her make me feel small. “It was a big help, yes.”

“And you’re happy with your performance?

“Very.”

“I’m happy to hear it.” Her face seems to warm just a fraction. “I told you that if you applied yourself, you’d see the results.”

I immediately bristle. “I don’t think that was it.”

“If you stay on this trajectory, then we could see a real improvement in your grades.”

I keep my jaw clenched tight, biting back what I wish I could say. Her words sound supportive, but I know what’s underneath. Like everybody else, she’s just another person thinking I’m holding myself back, that I’m letting my ADHD hold me back.It’s not occurred to her that my disability isn’t something to ‘overcome with hard work,’ and for the longest time, I let this kind of thinking affect me, let it dictate the way I think about myself.

Little by little, one tiny success at a time, I’m seeing that none of them have ever been right. My ADHD is just another part of me, and it’s one I’m slowly learning to love.

“I’ll see you after winter break.” I give her a tight smile and head out into the bright sunshine.

For a minute, I feel lost. It’s hard not to feel deflated as I realize I don’t really have anyone to celebrate with. I don’t even want to go home, Georgie’s having people over and I don’t want her to feel obligated to ask me to join them.

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