Page 136 of Fighting Spirit

“Ruth.” His expression is tortured, his face twisted up as he takes a slow step toward me, like he’s worried I’ll spook.

He looks good, he’ll always be so beautiful it kind of hurts to look at. But there’s something about him that looks hollowed out, like someone’s taken a melon baller to his chest.

I guess we match that way.

“Hi,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. He doesn’t react, and I realize there’s no way he’ll be able to hear me, not through the mask or over the crowd. This is probably the worst possible place to do this, but that doesn’t stop him.

“I, um,” he clears his throat, “I wanted to see you.”

I make a gesture as if to say,here I am.

“Fuck, this is not how I wanted to do this,” he mutters. “I guess I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry Ruth, you have no idea how much. I was so stupid and such a coward, and I’ll regret the way I hurt you for the rest of my life, but you gotta know that it’s got nothing to do with you. I was never embarrassed of you. I never wanted to hide it. I was just so fuckin’ scared of losing the team. I thought that if they knew I was with someone from Allbreck, that they would think I was betraying them, or that people would think I was just likeSimmons. But I was wrong. I told them everything and they couldn’t have cared less.”

I try to absorb his words. Hearing his reasons, and that he’s told his friends about us, goes a tiny way to healing the damage he caused, but it’s not enough. What he did crushed me, and I never want to put myself back in that position.

“But even if they had cared, I’d have chosen you. I’ll choose you every damn time. I just, God, Ruth, I can’t believe how badly I fucked things up, but I have to at least try. I’m begging you to let me try and make it up to you. I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m so fuckin’ in love with you that I’m gonna ask for one anyway because I don’t think I can live without you.”

I step back at his words, feeling knocked off balance. He loves me?

Rowan follows, not letting me widen the space between us. His hands come to shoulders, cupping them through the thick fabric, his touch easy enough that it would take no effort to break away if I wanted to.

“I love you, Ruth, so God damn much. It fuckin’ kills me. You’re the only person who never wants anything from me and it drives me crazy. I want you to ask me for things. I want to drive over in the middle of the night and do random shit for you. I know you don’t need to be taken care of, and I love that about you, but I want to do it anyway, just because you let me.”

I can’t think around his words, but he doesn’t stop. He steps closer until there’s no space between us. His touch comes up to cradle my face, and I want to rip off this stupid toad head. I’m so desperate to feel his fingertips on my skin. I manage to hold back though, knowing if I remove the head, I’ll get fired as Gunther. So instead I stand mutely, only allowing myself the indulgence of returning his touch, holding him around the waist as best I can.

“You’re not too much, not ever. I wish you were more, that I could have more, because every piece of you is precious, andI want every bit I can get my hands on. You make me greedy, Ruth. I need all of you for myself, and I don’t know what to do with it.”

A whimper escapes me, and I pull him closer. His head dips until his forehead rests against the mask, and at this distance, maybe he’ll be able to hear me. I have to almost yell, “You love me?”

He smiles, one of his rare smiles wide enough to see his slightly crooked front molar. “Yeah,” he says, “like, a lot.”

“I love you too!” I’ve said it before I’ve even fully registered it. The declaration shocks me as much as it seems to shock him. I hadn’t realized it until this moment, but I’m so in love with this man. I think I have been for a while, but I’ve spent so much time trying to feel less, to be less, worried that other people won’t ever feel the same way about me, that I haven’t recognized it for what it is.

“You’re it for me, Ruth. You’re always gonna be my favorite, my first choice. You’re fuckin’ everything to me, and I swear to God, I’ll never give you a reason to regret this.”

I can’t speak through the tears that have started to stream down my face, so I try to show him with the force of my embrace how much I believe him. He whoops joyfully, a sound not even matched by the cheers and hollers of victory still ringing around us. One second my feet are planted on the turf and the next, I’m up, Rowan hoisting me against him so he can spin me in a circle.

When he finally drops me back to standing, I catch the Jumbotron behind us, our bodies plastered across the screen. I can’t help the burst of laughter as I see the image of Rowan, so handsome in his uniform, hair tousled from the helmet, looking down, with all the love in the world, at a giant foam toad. He turns at the sound and looks where I’m pointing, groaning as he sees what I’m seeing. Visible behind us in the picture areRowan’s teammates, hooting and whistling as they watch the action unfolding.

Rowan groans. “I’m gonna be a fuckin’ meme, aren’t I?”

“Probably.” I giggle. “At least your butt looks great.”

Epilogue

ROWAN

“How much longer?” Trevor whines from next to me.

“Shut the fuck up,” I hiss back.

“God, this chair is uncomfortable.”

“Can you stop?”

“We’ve been here for hours,” he groans.

I drive an elbow into his ribs, relishing the yelp he tries to muffle. “She’s a W. We gotta just wait.”

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