Page 43 of Fighting Spirit

“We had kind of a thing last year.”

“A thing?” He sounds incredulous.

“Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?”

“Are you gonna actually tell me this story without me having to drag it out of you?”

“You really suck sometimes, you know that, right?” I huff.

“I know. Tell me anyway.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, as if that’ll make it an easier story to tell. “I had a really big thing for him when we were freshmen. I thought I was being subtle about it, but I guess he knew.” Embarrassment floods me as I remember the way I acted back then. I was so desperate for his attention, it was a little pathetic.

“Did you guys ever…”

“Let me finish,” I cut him off.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“We, uh, yeah, we kinda hooked up a few times, but I thought maybe it was more than what it was?”

“How?” Rowan’s voice is tight and I wonder if he can already see where this story’s going.

“I thought we were together. He didn’t want me to tell anyone, and I thought it was just because he’s a private person, but it all got really messy.”

He makes a displeased noise over the line.

“I was stupid,” I sigh, tapping my fingers against my thigh in an effort to stop the tears that always threaten when I think back on how dumb I was. “I just had all these…expectations. Iguess I kind of projected? Like, I wanted him to like me so much that I made myself believe that’s what was happening. I didn’t realize he was pulling away until he told me about some girl in his English class he wanted to ask out.”

“The fuck?”

“It was my fault-”

“The fuck it was!” he snaps, his sharp breaths audible, like a bull gearing up for a fight. “He led you on. He knew exactly what he was doing.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

“No, he’s not like that.” I try to keep my voice even. “He’s my friend, we’re just friends now.”

“There’s no way you believe that.”

“It’s the truth! We’ve moved on.”

“Have you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I snap.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

“How stupid do you think I am?” I stand up, not able to stay still for this.

“Not at all, but I know guys like him. He might say he’s okay being your friend, but he’s keeping you on the hook in case he ever needs a plan B.”

All the fight goes out of me.Plan B. Tears sting the backs of my eyes as his words land. Another reminder that all I am to most people is their second choice.

“Wait, no, I’m sorry,” Rowan starts “That’s not what I meant.”

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