Page 50 of Fighting Spirit

“This is our legacy. This is everything we worked for! And you’re gonna toss it all out?”

And there it is, because every time we talk about my career, my success, it turns into awe.Ourwork,oursacrifices. Nothing is mine alone, not when it comes to football. When I was a kid, it made me happy to have something we could do together, but as I got older, I realized that it was all a trap. The only way I could ever make him happy was to tread the exact path he set out for me, make every move he told me, and let him take the credit.

“I’m not tossing it out.” I sigh. “I’m just telling you I don’t need every shirt or trophy from the past sixteen years boxed up in the garage.”

“I would have thought all of this would have meant more to you than this.”

“You were the one who said we had to get rid of things!”

“Not everything! You just want it all to be a waste?”

I get the sense we’re not talking about the stuff anymore.

“I don’t need the reminders.”

“You just want to forget?”

“That’s not what I said,” I sigh.

“This was your whole life!”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, wondering how I’m ever going to get through to him on this. “It was a great time, but it’s done now.”

“Only because you’re walking away,” he bites out, all his usual pretense gone.

“You’re acting like I’m quitting to do fuckin’ accounting or something.”

“You might as well be,” he spits, and I instinctively cringe. Even after every fight we have, I can’t shut down the part of myself that wants to please him, to make him proud of me. “You’re giving everything up to be a pencil pusher.”

“I’m becoming a coach.”

“You can do that when you retire! Get in ten great years as a player, and then try it!”

“I don’t want to be a player.” I say it slow, as if it’ll finally get through that way.

“Don’t you give me that attitude. I only want what’s best for you.”

I don’t respond, knowing nothing I say will help.

“Listen, think about what I said and let me know what you decide.”

“It’s already dec-”

“Let me know.”

He hangs up before I can say anything or tell him there’s nothing he can say that’s going to make me change my mind. I feel a little sick looking at my phone, knowing that in a few minutes, I’ll get a message from my mom, trying to smooth everything out. I don’t want to speak to her right now, I’m so sick of trying to make everyone happy.

All I want is to finally do something selfish for once, and there’s only one person I want to see.

Chapter Twenty-Two

RUTH

It’s been well over a month since the night at the frat house, but I still lock the studio door every time I’m rehearsing late. I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling on edge when I’m here late at night. I burn with anger at the thought. Who are they to take away my safe space? This used to be the thing I came to do when I needed to unwind, to decompress, or just do something I actually feel good at, but now I don’t even have that.

My phone lights up with a text from Georgie, asking when I’m going to be home. I grin, quickly typing out a message that I’m on my way. Things have felt weird between us lately, her spending so much time out of the apartment. It’s so different from the closeness of last year. Both of us were nervous freshmen, excited to strike out on our own. It’s like we needed each other not to feel so adrift, like our friendship was our own little life raft. Seeing her spread her wings has been kind of tough, especially when it feels like I’m getting left behind. On Monday, she announced that she’d decided on economics as her major, which sent me into a bit of a spiral.

My inbox has been filling with reminders that it’s ‘never too soon to consider your major,’ but I can’t think of anything worse than trying to narrow down what I want to study. Every timeI talk to my mom, she asks me about my plans for the future. I always manage to brush her off, but deep down, I’m just embarrassed to say that I have no clue what I want to do with my life.

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