Page 26 of Teach Me K-Pop

“Hi, Nikko.” The words come out quieter than I mean for them to, sounding low and intimate. Maybe they are.

“I might have forgotten all my English if it had been much longer,” he says, his tone teasing. But then his whole expression shifts, and he looks softer, sweeter. “I am happy to see you.”

“Same. And I’m sorry. It’s been a weird week,” I tell him. It’s the truth, but not the whole truth, and it feels wrong. I still have no idea how I’m going to tell him, but I know I have to.

“It is okay. You are always working with me. I need to do that for you, too.” He shrugs, like it’s nothing. Like it’s just that simple. “Is it still weird?”

Is it weird that I’ve seen him dive off a pirate ship holding a plastic parrot? That I’ve watched multiple videos with clips of him eating and sleeping and sneezing but I’ve never witnessed him do any of those in real life? That I’ve seen him cry at awards shows when he and the rest of the members are surprised by a win? That I know one of his “brothers” admitted to “borrowing” his underwear when they were too lazy to wash their own?

“A little,” I say and at least that’s honest. “It’ll get better, I think.”

He’s gazing at me, and it’s not quite the Look of Concern, but it’s definitely adjacent. “How are you? What have you been up to?”

“I am fine. Lots going on. But I like that, most of the time.” He grabs a water bottle and takes a sip.

Instantly, I’m thinking of the compilation I saw of Nikko drinking out of water bottles on stage in a way that was oddly sensual, chasing the other guys around to douse them, and occasionally pouring the contents over his own head like a literal wet dream before chucking it into the audience for a bunch of rabid fans to fight over. This doesnothelp make things less weird for me.

“Jase?” Nikko’s brow is furrowed, like it might not be the first time he’s said my name.

God, this is worse than I imagined. “Yeah? Sorry. I guess I glitched a little.” I try to laugh it off, but I can tell he’s not having it.

“Are you okay?”

“Yep.” I snap my fingers as quietly as possible, trying to get Noel’s attention from where she’s dozing by the window, stretched out in a sunny spot. When she looks at me, but refuses to budge and come to my rescue by giving Nikko something else to focus on, I feel like I’m at a loss. So I go back to the beginning, asking a question I haven’t had to bring up since our earliest chats, because there hasn’t been an awkward lull in conversation since then. “So, what should we talk about today?”

Nikko legitimately frowns. “What is wrong? Did I do something?”

“What? No. You’re fine.” I could not make this more uncomfortable if I was actually trying. The last thing I want is for Nikko to feel bad. I had thought I was back to good, having realized that what I liked about Nikko was more important than anything else. But having him in front of me is clearly showing me I was not as successful as I had originally thought.

“I can go. If you need to do… if you need time,” he says, hesitantly. “I do not want to stop you. From doing anything.”

I shake my head and have to force myself not to reach toward the screen as though I could physically keep him from going somewhere if he was going to leave. I have to get my shit together. “No, Nikko. This is exactly where I want to be.”

He’s looking down, fidgeting, like he used to do early on when he was nervous.

It’s like I’ve undone months of progress and the easy connection we had in less than ten minutes. But it’s not just the time we’ve been in this session. It’s also the days we weren’t speaking. I hate how it feels, and that I don’t know what to say or how to say it. But I need to fix it.

“This is not right,” Nikko murmurs. He glances back up at me. “Something is wrong.”

I take a deep breath. I’ve got to do it. “Nikko…” He meets my eyes through the screen and it makes my heart hurt, how it looks like he’s bracing himself for the worst. “I’m sorry. I said things were weird and they have been. But that’s on me, not you.”

“Explain, please.”

Scrubbing my hand over my face, I try to recall the thousand ways I imagined saying this to him, and none of them come back. Not that I thought any of them had been especially good attempts, but now, it’s like I don’t have any words at all. I can feel the heaviness of the silence as it stretches between us.

He squirms, and I know I’m just making this impossibly bad for both of us. I can’t stand it anymore.

“I just found out who you are,” I blurt, immediately regretting that I’ve made it sound like he’s some sort of felon or villain who’s trying to hide his true identity. “I mean, I know what you do. That you’re famous.”

Nikko’s expression gives nothing away, but his eyes seem sad in a way they hadn’t before. “Ah.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know if that was supposed to be a secret or not. I had no idea when we started talking, but I found out by total accident, and I kind of freaked out because I didn’t know if I was allowed to know or not. Or if you’d want me to. And then I felt guilty, and that’s why I canceled our last call.” I stop to get some air after spilling all of that out, but the truth doesn’t make it any easier to inhale.

He doesn’t say anything else, but he’s got his chin propped up on his hand, looking down at his keyboard, away from me. This might actually feel worse than all of the uneasiness before I said anything. Maybe I should just be glad he didn’t slam the computer closed or stomp off.

I can hear him breathing, just barely, and see the flutter of his eyelashes, but that’s all he’s giving me. I wait as long as I can before the non-response is so loud that it’s almost oppressive.

“Nikko? If this is a problem, I can go. I’ll end the call and that can… we can be done.” There’s a wobble in my voice, and I don’t even try to hide it. The idea of not speaking to him again is so awful, I hadn’t even dared consider it before. But now, it seems like a real possibility. I clear my throat, and that makes him look back in my direction. “I just need you to know, everything you’ve said is safe with me. Please don’t ever worry about that.”

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