Page 37 of Teach Me K-Pop

And that’s enough for now.

?

NIKKO

“Are you going to eat that?”

I don’t even have time to answer before Ryo is reaching over to snag the bite he wants off my plate. It’s fine. I haven’t touched any of the food anyway. My stomach is in knots, and the idea of airplane cuisine isn’t appetizing at all. I know it probably wouldn’t be bad—that is one of the perks to flying first class—but I just can’t right now.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Chita asks, quietly, trying to keep the others from getting involved in the conversation and making it into a whole discussion that does not need to take place mid-flight.

Giving him a smile that I know he’ll recognize is fake but is the best I can do at the moment, I try to convince him I’m fine. “I’m okay, hyung. Thank you.”

“I’ve got an eye on him,” Lalo murmurs from beside me. Chita is satisfied once he is sure someone is watching me.

I appreciate the concern, and I know why the older members worry, especially about me and Lux. Early in our time together, the extreme diets and calorie restrictions had taken their toll on all of us, making deep impressions that were hard to forget sometimes. But my refusing the pasta and veggies has nothing to do with my desire to be able to fit into my stage outfits and everything to do with who I know I’ll be seeing shortly after we land.

The idea of being within hours of meeting Jase has my anxiety in a nauseating spiral, tight around my chest. I’m not sure I’ve taken a real breath since the plane took off. Iwantto meet him. Iwantto look at him in front of me and not through a computer screen. But I’m kind of terrified.

Everyone has so many expectations of me and I know I don’t—can’t—always meet them. It is awful when I’m not what the fans want, but even thinking that I might be disappointing to Jase in some way is heartbreaking.

Lalo turns to face me. “Are you nervous about Jase being at the show?”

It shouldn’t surprise me that he has figured out where my head is and what I am worrying over. I am sure they all know, or at least suspect what the problem is. I was practically shaking when I walked into the room where everyone was hanging out after Jase agreed to come to the show. As soon as they looked at me, everyone correctly guessed the reason was Jase-based.

When I said we were going to meet, the reactions were wild. Loud. Enthusiastic. Embarrassing. I know they are excited for me; I just wish some of them could show it in a different way. Lux keeps trying to guess at what Jase might smell like—he seems to have settled on oud and cedar, with a hint of bergamot. I’m not sure how he arrived at that combination, but it sounds like it might kill me if it is even a little bit accurate. Because they cannot pass up an opportunity, Tang and Ryo have been teasing me incessantly about what I might do or say when I see him, and seem to hope that they will be there to witness whatever actually does happen. Chita and Lalo are quietly supportive, as they always are, happy to give me space and let me process, but always right there if I need them.

I nod. “Yes.” Before I say anything else I shift in my seat, moving closer to him so I can speak softly. “It’s like before we debuted. When we wanted everything so badly, but were also afraid because we didn’t know what to expect? That’s how I feel now.”

Lalo gives me a gentle smile. “This is a big thing. It would probably be weird if you weren’t at least a little bit scared.”

“That’s not helpful,” I mumble, realizing how ungrateful I sound. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being ridiculous about this.”

“No, you’re not. I’m sure I’d be a wreck if it were me. The first time you’re face-to-face with someone that’s so important to you? That you have some serious feelings for?” He shakes his head, looking incredulous. “I think it’s romantic. Isn’t this exactly the kind of thing we write songs about?”

I can see the instant his mind shifts gears and goes into composer mode. While I have contributed lines to songs and notes to melodies, I can’t do what Lalo does. What Chita and Tang do. The three of them make it look almost effortless. Just by watching Lalo’s eyes, I can almost hear the beat he is organizing, mentally layering sounds together as he tries to find the right words to go with them. Before the plane touches down, he’ll likely have finished the better part of the verses and will be humming the track.

It’s obvious that I have lost him completely when he reaches for his notepad and a pen, so I slouch back and push the tray table of uneaten food away. I think maybe I should try to sleep for a while, as if I could turn my brain off and ignore all the worries bouncing around in there. Surely there is a movie I have not seen yet that is part of the in-flight entertainment. Maybe I can borrow a book from Lux, who always comes prepared with his current read and at least the next two he has planned to start, in case he’s not in the mood for one of them. But thinking about books and romance just brings me back to Jase, and if I dwell on that right now, I am going to make everyone crazy, including myself.

Sleep is not an option. That becomes clear very quickly, given all the activity around me and in my head. I try to focus on what the others are doing: Lalo has pulled Tang into his project, tapping at the seat with a pen trying to find a rhythm. Chita is working on something on his laptop with a very serious look on his face as he hits the keys much harder than necessary. Ryo’s groaning over the dish being made on the cooking show he is watching, and Lux is… I have no idea what he’s doing, but he has caught the eye of a flight attendant who’s looking at him like she wants to devour him.

I grab my phone and pull up the app I use for journaling, trying to make sense of my thoughts. I don’t know what I am hoping for, even. Do I want to stand in front of him and hear bells ringing? Or is it better that I decide he’s a nice guy that I can be friends with? I don’t even know if the possibility of anything beyond what we have now exists, but I wonder.

“Ah, Nikko-yah. You are far too young and handsome to look like you’re carrying the weight of the world,” Ryo comments sometime later, surprising me. “I’d ask what’s so interesting on your phone, but I can see your screen, and I know it’s not that fascinating.”

I can’t help but laugh. I had managed to write about half a sentence and it doesn’t say much, so he’s not wrong. “Just thinking.”

“I see that.” He presses his fingertips together, looking at me intensely, like some kind of cinematic villain who’s about to offer the hero a deal. “Talk to me.”

“I’m nervous, I guess?” I know that’s true, but it also feels like so much more than that. “I know I keep talking about it. And keep talking about him. But, hyung, he is going to bethere. Up close.”

Ryo nods, his newly shaggy hair dancing across his dark eyebrows. He doesn’t say anything else yet, like he’s waiting on me. As loud and silly as he can be, he’s got a secret soft side, almost fatherly, that makes me feel warm and safe.

“Maybe I am making too big a deal out of things. I’m meeting my English tutor. It’s fine.” I say it with as much conviction as I can, like that will help me believe it.

The look that Ryo gives me suggests that he’s trying very hard not to laugh at me.

“What is that for?”

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