Page 40 of Teach Me K-Pop

After.

Between wondering and knowing.

And then I have to leave. Have to live with whatever I learn. Try to find a way to be content with returning to long distances, different time zones, and being literal worlds apart.

I take a deep breath—shakier than I would like to admit—and grab the handle, yanking the door toward me like I’m some kind of warrior about to storm a castle. My knees feel weak, but I move forward anyway, drawn in by curiosity and the desire to be closer to him.

It’s total chaos in the green room. The door nearly hits me as it closes and I’m just standing there, staring and trying to make sense of all the commotion. There’s so much noise and movement, so many people in the middle of so many different tasks. I can see racks of clothing, rows of shoes, tables lined with food and drinks, stations with mirrors set up and seems like an endless number of hair and make-up products ready and waiting. I’m not sure what I thought backstage would look like, but this is still more overwhelming than anything I could have possibly imagined on my own.

I scan the space again, trying to pick out the members from among the crowd of bodies. There is definitely a part of me that feels a little bit like a swooning fanboy. I am acutely aware of just how famous and talented they are, and how well-loved and lusted-after. It’s a strange dichotomy to try to come to terms with—they are RYSING, but they are also Nikko and his brothers.

Lux is closest to where I’m standing, folded up in a chair flipping through a magazine while someone fusses with his hair. Ryo and Tang are off in a corner laughing and either going over choreography or making fun of each other. It’s hard to tell.

With half of the group identified, I’m more than a little afraid of the speed at which my heart is pounding as I look for Nikko. I think I’d kind of hoped that I’d just walk in and he’d be right there, waiting. But I also don’t want that. I’m not here to distract him or take away from whatever he needs to do to prepare for the show. I know he takes performances very seriously, but this is a big enough step for us that I’m sure he’s been thinking about it, too.

Just then, I hear him—his laugh cutting through the rest of the noise—and I automatically turn toward the sound. He’s off to the side, nearly hidden behind some kind of partition, cracking up at something Lalo has shown him. He doubles over, disappearing from my line of sight, and I gasp, taking a deep breath that I desperately need.

He’s right there.

He’shere.

In the room with me.

“Hey, Jase.”

I practically jump out of my skin. I had no idea anyone had approached me and it makes me wonder if I’ve been staring longer than I realize. Chita is standing beside me, smiling. We’re not quite the same height—I might have a couple inches on him—but there’s something about him that feels like he’s got a big presence. “Hey. Hi. It’s nice to meet you. In person.”

“You, too,” he tells me, shaking my hand and pulling me into a bro-hug that I don’t feel nearly cool enough to execute properly. “Lalo’s been trying to keep him distracted so he wouldn’t just keep staring at the door.”

So hehasbeen waiting for me. I can feel the blush heat up my cheeks at how much I like the idea of it. “No closets to organize here… and he’s probably not allowed to touch those,” I comment, gesturing to all the clothes hanging up nearby.

Chita chuckles. “I like that you know that about him.”

“I want to know everything about him,” I say. I know how important Chita is to Nikko and how much his thoughts and opinions matter, so I want to be honest with him. To make sure he’s aware that this is serious for me, no matter what kind of relationship we have ultimately. I’ll treat Nikko with care, just as the members of the group do.

He looks at me for a moment. “I believe you. And I believe he wants that, too.”

I return the grin he gives me, watching as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. He taps the camera, slides over to video and raises it up, recording. “Nikko!”

I understand what Chita is doing in the split second before Nikko turns our way. I see his eyes go wide, his cheeks flush pink, and his jaw drops all at once, before his face transforms into a smile that I will remember for the rest of my life.

The moment we make eye contact, everything else falls away—the people, the sounds, the commotion, the fact that Chita is capturing this as it happens—Nikko is the only thing I see. As he moves closer, I think might take some steps, too, but all I know is that the distance is shrinking.

My heart isn’t so much pounding now as flailing, off-rhythm and uncontrolled, like it recognizes his nearness and is using it as an excuse to go rogue.

Suddenly, he’s standing right here.

Right in front of me.

I shamelessly let my eyes dart over his body, taking in as much of him as I can. His hair is styled to perfection in that careless kind of way that suggests he’s just rolled out of bed and might not have been alone—fuck me—and his clothes are obviously stage attire, artfully ripped and clinging to his body just right. He’s wearing make-up, looking flawless, and he’s so close I could touch him.

I could touch him.

Nikko blinks at me once, twice, like he’s having a hard time believing this is really happening. But he’s still smiling. Shyly, biting his lip even as he looks back at me with those devastating eyes that are somehow even more dangerous up close. “Hello, Jase,” he whispers.

“Annyeong, Nikko.” I’m smiling as I say it, like every bit of anxiety and joy that has been swirling around inside me can’t help but bubble up and out now that we are face-to-face with no screens in between.

Neither one of us moves; we’re frozen where we are, staring back at each other, unsure of what to do with the new level of access granted.

---