Page 46 of Teach Me K-Pop

“Volunteered?” I suggest.

Nikko nods, pulling me further into the room. “Yes. That. Now stop talking.”

I can only smile into the kiss as I walk him backward toward the bed. Words are overrated anyway.

??

We’ve spent less than 36 hours together, but somehow, Nikko seems to have figured out every single way to make me absolutely crazy. For someone who said he didn’t have any kind of experience, he’s more than made up for it in curiosity, enthusiasm, and what can only be natural giftedness. It’s been a long time since my make-out bandit phase in college, but I honestly can’t think of anyone else I’ve enjoyed kissing more than him. He’s learned so quickly what to do and how to do it so well.

These kisses taste somehow both bitter and sweet, like he’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of and never thought I could have. It seems ridiculous to think this about him already—it should be too much—but now that I know what we could have here, too much will never be enough.

Nikko’s hands are warm under my shirt, leaving an invisible mark like he’s claiming his territory on my skin. Everywhere he touches burns hotter as we gasp into each other’s mouths. Each time one of us shifts, the contact only becomes more of a tease. I want to yank his hoodie and sweats off and press my lips to every inch of him, lingering in all the places that make him moan.

Even as I pull away just enough to breathe, I know it’s not time for that, not yet. I don’t know when it will be; I don’t even know when I’ll be able to see him again. But rushing to give in to everything I’d like to do to and with him is not how I want the night to end. Looking at him here in my arms, his leg hitched up over my hip, eyes dark with lust, lips shiny and swollen from kissing, makes it difficult to not dive back in immediately and take anything he’ll give me.

“Jase.” His voice is soft, shaky, as his nails skim over my ribs. The combination gives me goosebumps. “Kiss me more.”

I bow my head for one quick, chaste peck and lean back to put a little bit of space between us. It almost hurts to disengage like that, but we both need some air. “I’d kiss you all night if I could.”

“Please do,” Nikko pouts, his hands slipping to my arms to grab at me, trying to bring me closer again.

Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, I see how late it’s gotten—the hours melting away as we’ve been lying here together. I take a deep breath, already not liking what I know I have to say. I hate being the responsible one, but I know I need to. “We should talk, I think, before I have to go.”

He bolts upright, alarmed. “You want to leave?”

“No, I don’t want to leave. But I have to at some point, and you do, too. You’ve got to get to your next stop. I have to go back to work and act like everything is normal…” I trail off, the impossibility of that task looming large as he peers at me, the stars in his eyes dulled by sadness.

“Nothing is the same,” he says, taking my hand to slip his fingers between mine.

I shake my head. “No, it’s not. This is… You are… It’s all so much more than I could have even imagined. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to the way things were.”

“Do we have to?” Nikko asks, focusing somewhere past me. “I do not want to go back to before this. I want what we have now.”

How do I ask what this is for him? Could he give me an answer? There’s definitely something here, and we both feel it, but how can we seriously pursue anything while living in two separate worlds? The distance feels like the least of our problems, and that’s really saying something when we typically exist in different days of the week.

I must stay quiet for too long, because he brings his gaze back to meet mine, nervous. “Do you not? I am sorry. I should not have—”

“Nikko, no,” I cut him off before he can get anxious. “I want you. Do not doubt that. If I could quit my life and be VOX professionally and just follow you around everywhere, I’d be figuring out a way to do that already.”

He smiles a little, but it’s not the kind I love. This is small and kind of wobbly, his best attempt at one just for show. “I understand. This is not a good way to have a relationship.” He squeezes my hand suddenly, pleading. “I know about all the papers you had to sign about us talking. So you would stay quiet. I did not ask for that. The company insisted.”

“I know. I understand enough from what Kija has told me over the years. But I didn’t need any of that paperwork; I wouldn’t have ever said anything. I’m not going to share any secrets. Yours or ours. Whatever happens between us stays right here, with us,” I promise. I wonder what and how much they told him—and if it was before or after I’d scribbled my name a hundred times.

Nikko nods once, acknowledging what I’ve said, but there’s still a darkness, some unhappiness clouding his beautiful face. “I cannot ask you for more.”

“You can ask me for anything,” I assure him. “We want the same things.”

I have to pause again, because I don’t know how to explain that seeing his life like this has made me feel like the last three days have been some sort of hallucination. I have no idea where or how I could fit in, beyond being on the other side of a screen sometimes.

Letting go of my hand, he rearranges himself to sit cross-legged by the pillows. I sit up to mirror him, as though that will help me prepare for whatever he’s about to say.

“If it were not like this,” he begins, speaking slowly like he’s choosing his words carefully, “what would it be like?”

It takes me a second to guess at what he might mean. “You and me? In another life?”

“Yes.” He leans back against the faux wood headboard. “If I was not an idol and we met somehow. How would we be?”

I immediately think back to the beginning, when we first started talking and I had no idea who he was but already realized I was attracted to him. I hadn’t given in to many daydreams since he was so far away, but there hadn’t been the incredible obstacle of worldwide stardom. I want to play along, though—to imagine some kind of alternate universe where we were just two people who wanted to be together.

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