Page 51 of Teach Me K-Pop

“Kwon Chaeji?”

“Damn, Kija!” I absolutely recognize that name from one of those Most Beautiful People lists that gets released every year. “Why was the date bad?” I am suddenly very excited about the prospect of gossip to distract me from my own wallowing.

“Because she’s psycho,” he says bluntly. “She was planning the rest of our life together before we’d even finished the main course of the meal. I got out of there as fast as I could, and by the time I was home I had an inbox full of pictures of her in various states of undress telling me since we skipped dessert, I should come over and eat her instead.”

Thankful that I did not just take another sip of my juice, I crack up laughing. “Your love life is wild. Never a dull moment there..”

“Says the guy who is in love with an idol.”

I can’t tell from his tone if he’s joking or not, but it makes my breath catch uncomfortably. “What now?”

“Jase. Come on.” I know what he’s doing immediately. He’s about to try to slow walk me to some kind of epiphany. “You are not subtle. You sent me that picture. You showed it to me because you want me to tell you how good you two look together, and you’re dying to talk about him.”

This is precisely why he is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone, can see through me like I’m a window, and is never afraid to tell me exactly what he thinks. He’s completely correct in everything he’s saying, but that does not mean I have to like it.

“I’m not in love with him,” I protest, but it’s weak. And probably a lie.

He hums again. “So you’re being completely chill? Just business as usual then.”

“Yes.” That’s definitely not the truth. “Okay, no. I used hairspray for deodorant and put pomade on my toothbrush because I’m so distracted. I superglued my finger to a display case at work and I thought Brenda was going to have heart failure from wheezing so hard laughing at me,” I confess.

“So what happened?” he inquires, gently, changing his tactics like he’s going to coax the truth out of me. “It was good. I can tell that.”

I’ve been waiting for the chance to talk about everything since it happened and now that I have the opportunity, I have no idea what to say. How do I even begin to describe what the hours I spent with Nikko meant to me? Or the way that I can’t seem to take a breath now without thinking about him?

“It was better than good,” I say. “Just being able to share space and breathe the same air. We talked for hours every night and it was just… everything I had hoped it would be, but more.”

“Just talking? That whole time?” he prods, because he absolutely does not believe it.

“There may have been some kissing,” I mumble. “And a bit of light physical contact.”

Kija laughs loudly. “Light physical contact? I don’t even know what that means.”

“He was in my lap, okay?” That seems like enough information for now.

“Naked?”

“No! Kija. You know I’m not that guy.” I’m almost offended. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think about it, but still. Everything is new to Nikko and I want—wanted?— to make sure he has time to enjoy each thing as it happens.

“I think this is different, though, isn’t it? The guy you’ve been in the past might not be the same guy you are now, because this whole thing with him isn’t like anything you’ve had before,” Kija comments.

He’s right, of course. I have no idea what kind of guy I am in this situation. “Sitting there, with him in my lap,” I say, sighing, “it’s like I was being offered something I can’t really have.”

“I don’t know about that,” he starts. “I think it’s pretty obvious you can have him if you want him. Don’t you think you already have him? It certainly looks like you do.”

I think back to the rooftop, and Nikko telling me he’s with me. “It’s not the same, though. It’s not like that. If our situation was different, sure. We’d definitely try to be together. But he’s… him. And I’m me. And you are the only person that I can talk to about this, because I signed my soul over to Task Force and promised I’d never say a word about anything I have seen or heard.”

“Ah, the NDAs. I got a lot of shit for not having you sign those sooner,” he says, and I can practically hear him smiling, sounding like he couldn’t care less about the trouble he caused. “Would it be easy to have a relationship—a real, romantic relationship—with him? No, it wouldn’t. But there are a lot of idols who have long-term partners no one ever knows about. It can be done, if both people want to make it work.”

I know that I’d try if he wanted to. But I wouldn’t ask him to. That’s a decision Nikko would have to come to on his own. When I don’t say anything, Kija speaks again.

“You look good in this picture. You’re happy. Both of you. It’s all over your faces. Don’t give up too easily. That’s all I’m saying,” Kija tells me. “I care about both of you, and I’m happy to be the person you can talk to about anything. Just not too many details, okay? I still have to work with him.”

That makes me laugh. “Thanks, Kija.” I pause, feeling a little ornery. “He’s pretty bold. I was surprised. He’s the one who kissed me first…”

Kija cuts me off. “This, right here? This is exactly what I don’t want.”

“You literally just said I could talk to you about anything,” I remind him, getting up to pour the sludgy remains of my green beverage down the sink.

---