Page 59 of Teach Me K-Pop

He twists to look at me, his expression unreadable. “’Why are we doing it then?”

“What?” I’m so caught off-guard by his question. I thought it was clear why we were trying to make this work. “I… I thought we wanted to be together?”

“I do. I do want that. But you say you hate this. And I hate how it feels.” His voice is so flat, so lacking in any kind of the warm timbre he usually has with me. “I do not know how to make this work in a way that does not cause us both pain.”

My mouth is open, but no sound is coming out. I legitimately have no idea how to respond. I dropped everything to come here because he asked me to, and now it sounds like he regrets it all. “I don’t want to hurt you. I thought… I thought this is what you wanted.”

“I do, Jase. I want you very much. I want to be with you.” Nikko exhales, defeated. There are tears gathering in his eyes again. “But I think being with you like this is harder than not being with you at all.”

I can hear the alarm going off on my phone, telling me that I have to leave to catch the ride that’s been arranged for me to go to the airport. I don’t want to go now, not in the middle of a moment that could break us, but I can’t think of a single thing to say.

Gesturing toward the sound, he gives me the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “You must go. Thank you. For coming to see me. For everything.”

I blink a few times, trying to clear my own watery eyes. “You’re welcome.”

And I leave.

?

NIKKO

Ican feel Lalo-hyung’s eyes on me. I’m probably making him crazy, pacing back and forth across the length of the room as he tries to write. I can see him scribbling on the yellow lined paper he prefers for writing lyrics, furiously making notes about something, then scratching them out, trying again. The configuration of scribbles changes a little bit every time I loop past him.

If I were sharing this hotel room with anyone else, I am sure they would have told me to sit down or get out by now. I feel fortunate that it is Lalo I’m in this small space with; he has always been my favorite roommate. The similarities in our personalities are a blessing in so many ways. While I appreciate that Lux is such a good balance for me—bold and outgoing, where I’m often content to stay back and observe—Lalo is the one who understands my anxiety and restlessness. He says he often feels it, too, though he’s better at hiding or managing it. Maybe some of that will come with time, with age, or whatever it is that he has found that I have not yet.

I know he’s watching me as I make another circle, just like he has glanced up every so often for as long as I have been doing this. It has probably been close to an hour, which I know is crazy, but I cannot settle down. There is nowhere for me to go except to the other member’s rooms and even that would cause more trouble than it is worth, having to call security to make sure the hall is clear and no one opens a door while I make my way. And truthfully, I don’t want to see them right now. To have to answer their questions when I don’t even know how or what I would say. I can’t take any more of the teasing, either. I know it is all good fun for them, because they love me, because this is all so new. But it’s also so much.

I can’t stop thinking about Jase. I don’t want to stop, but I couldn’t even if I did. Now that I’ve seen him, been with him, up close and personal. So personal I can still remember the press of his body against mine, the pleasure I had experienced that I didn’t even know was possible, the taste of him that lingered on my lips after we had parted. I hoped for all of it, and then when I had it, it was almost too much.

The date night was something out of a fantasy for me. I had nearly lost my breath when Jase had called me “naekkeo,” whether it was mistake or unconscious, hearing that possessive term sparked something inside me. I wanted to be claimed, calledhis. I was. I am. We both know it.

These feelings are so new for me, so overwhelming that I can’t fathom how I am supposed to contain them. How I am meant to carry on about my life normally, as if nothing has changed. As if I’m not a different person than I was before the nights we spent together.

And then I ruined it. I let him leave, both of us in tears, because I was too anxious to think about what would come next. Too worried about what could happen to talk about what all of this might mean for me. For us.

Lalo reaches out for me, grasping my wrist as I turn near his chair. “You want to sit for a second?” he asks, probably having reached the maximum number of times I can breeze by him and not say something.

“Not really,” I mumble, but I do it anyway, flopping down onto the faux leather chair across from him at the small table.

He gives me a gentle smile. “Should I ask, or should I just assume that I know what this is about?”

I sigh. Of course he knows. Sometimes I have to remind myself that they all know. I have never been good at hiding my feelings, despite my best efforts. I do not try nearly as hard with Lalo, and maybe it is my fault that he can see me so clearly. “You can ask, but you don’t need to.”

“So tell me about it. I know who’s on your mind, but not what about him.” Lalo sets his notebook aside, fully focused on me and ready to listen.

Suddenly, I’m nearly overcome with gratitude for not only him, but the other members. They have never once made me feel anything other than accepted, and I’m honestly not sure how I got so lucky to have this kind of love and support within the group. But especially Lalo. He was the first person I came out to, the one I cried to when I felt like everything was wrong, likeIwas wrong. Who listened to me whine endlessly about having never been kissed and asked if I wanted to try. He has always helped me in every way that he can, any way I will let him, with his quiet, gentle guidance and care.

Taking a deep breath, I try to figure out where to even begin. “Is it weird that sometimes I wish we were still under that dating ban like when we were trainees?” It’s not what I thought I would say, but that’s what comes out.

Lalo laughs. “Maybe? It doesn’t matter to me because I still don’t have time or the desire to date anyone right now, but I guess I like having the option if I wanted to.” He looks at me for a moment, considering. “Why would you want that?”

“Because it was easier. Knowing there was not an opportunity just made things simpler,” I tell him.

“So because you have the chance and there’s someone you want now, it’s more difficult? Or confusing?” He speaks so softly it almost makes my heart hurt, that he is willing to tread this carefully for me.

I nod. “I didn’t expect any of this. I didn’t even know Icouldwant it. But somehow, the possibility exists that this is happening, and maybe he really wants something with me, too, like he says he does and I am...” I trail off, not sure where I’m headed with that thought even as I’m speaking.

Lalo waits patiently for me, giving me a chance to process while he pulls off the black ball cap he’s wearing and runs his fingers through his hair, before turning it around to put it on backward.

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