Page 61 of Teach Me K-Pop

Grunting something that kind of sounds like, “bye,” I watch him leave and fold my arms on my desk, letting my head drop. Between Tyler noticing what a mess I am and Brenda finding me so pitiful she was actively nice to me, I know that I have hit rock bottom.

It’s been a pretty steady descent for the last week, starting with the flight that I spent trying—and failing—not to cry while I attempted to figure out what the hell went wrong and how things changed so quickly.

Three hours of staring out at the clouds and replaying every single moment of that morning had not given me any answers. Nikko and I had woken up in a tangle of limbs and gone to shower together, spending nearly an hour kissing and letting our hands roam while huddled under the spray without any legitimate efforts at getting clean. Nikko had gone to get dressed while I used the pathetic little hair dryer in the bathroom, and when I’d come out to finish packing my bag it was like having whiplash.

I still have no idea what had actually happened. There has been silence from him since then, leaving me alone with my thoughts, which are becoming more and more unhinged. With the school year ending, I feel increasingly out of sorts. Normally, I would already have a summer job lined up or have found extra students to tutor, but with the way it had been all-Nikko-all-the-time for me, I hadn’t done either. So now, I have all the time in the world to just think. To wonder. And that is bad.

Being in the moment with him had been so good for me, and now I just don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe Noel and I will do a tour of all the parks in the city. Make some sort of scale of good park criteria and rank them all. I could visit my parents for a bit, but that does not seem especially appealing. Ironically, I probably have the money to go see Kija now, but I’d rather sit around a table making meaningless conversation with my mom and dad than be anywhere near Seoul, given the current situation.

I sit up and glance around my office. Despite the fact that Nikko has never stepped foot in this space—nor is there anything specifically about him or even RYSING—there are reminders in everything I see. No matter where my eyes land, he is the first thing that comes to mind.

Maybe it’s a kind of hallucination. I have barely slept since I’ve been home, so maybe I’m just making up stuff that isn’t there. Every night I lay in bed, feeling the empty space beside me like it’s a phantom—looming, waiting for my tears. I want to feel him wrapped around me, the warmth of his body pressed against mine, to hear the soft snuffle of his breathing across my neck. I just wanthim.

Getting up from my desk, I trudge around to grab my things. I know I should be happier about going home, but being there is kind of worse than being here. At least in the library I have the students popping in and out, Brenda constantly looking over my shoulder, and responsibilities I have to attend to. In the privacy of my own home, I can fully wallow, settling in on my couch with my dog and the tv remote like the glutton for punishment I have clearly become.

As I turn off the lights and lock up, I contemplate calling Kija while I walk to my car. I know he’d try to make me feel better, but I’m not sure I want that right now. I also have no idea what I would actually tell him.Yeah, I had some of the best days of life, and now I’m back home and so heartsick I can’t stand it.I wonder if he’s talked to Nikko. Probably not. I have to assume he’d have contacted me if he knew what happened. That would make one of us, at least.

??

“Welcome RYSING! Chita, Ryo, Lalo, Lux, Tang, and Nikko!” the late night show host yells as the audience goes wild.

I watch as each member introduces himself briefly, saying his name and maybe a few words in English. As always, Chita is sitting closest to the host since he does most of the talking. It’s one of the first things I noticed about how they handle interviews like this—they arrange themselves strategically according to English skill level and perceived visual appeal. Chita next to the host, Lalo beside him, and Ryo or Lux taking turns in the front row, then Nikko, Tang, and Ryo or Lux in the second. I’m immediately surprised when Nikko joins Lalo and Chita in the front row. He’d told me before that he prefers to sit in the back, both because he’s easily anxious in those kinds of situations and it usually prevents him from having to participate much in the conversations.

Nikko looks so good it makes me feel worse. I’m a hot fucking mess in the dark cave of my living room and he’s on television, under bright lights, looking every bit like the superstar he is. Maybe I get it now, just how far apart our lives are. Why wanting to be together isn’t enough to make it work.

Chita answers a few questions about how the tour is going and what they’ve been doing in each city, if they ever get to go out and enjoy things or not. He talks about how packed their daily schedules are, and how they usually only get to see the city from the airport to whatever hotel they stay at. Inevitably, the host uses this as a segue to ask if they have time to date. While all of them scoff, Tang shouts, “Busy, busy!” and Chita gives Nikko a subtle glance that I probably wouldn’t have even noticed if I wasn’t watching so closely.

“If we are lucky, we might find time to talk to someone a little, but that is it,” Nikko says, the slightest tremble in his voice from nerves.

My jaw drops in shock. Not only has he voluntarily chosen to speak up, but he basically admitted there was someone he’d been at least chatting with.

He was talking about me.

Vaguely and indirectly, but still.

Me.

I don’t hear a single thing that’s said after that. I see Ryo say something that makes everyone laugh, but I have no idea what it was, because I’m staring so hard at Nikko’s face. I can tell that he’s not as engaged in what’s going on around him, either, the faintest hint of sadness around his eyes, in the smile that’s just a little too forced.

I’m overwhelmed by so many emotions at once—the desire to hold him, kiss him, breathe him in and never let him go, but also to demand answers, to try to make him explainwhat, why, howand if we’ll ever have any kind of chance. I want him to miss me the way I miss him.

But mostly, I just want any part of him he’s willing to let me have.

I don’t know if it’s hope or delusion, but I’ll take either one right now.

??

I’ve never caught any of the members going live on their fan app before. The timing hasn’t been right, or they’ve been busy, or whatever the reason, the first time I see the notification that they’re about to start a broadcast totally catches me off-guard. I click into the video right away on my phone, letting Noel sniff the fire hydrant we’ve been standing by for far too long already a little more thoroughly.

All six of them are sitting on the floor crowded around a table piled with take-out boxes of food. The labels are obscured but it looks like it’s Korean, which makes sense. Nikko has said they seek out Korean food no matter where they go, like they’ll die if they have to go more than a day or two without kimchi or gimbap. I laughed when he told me several of the members have been known to pack emergency ramen rations in their luggage when they traveled internationally, as though the cheap noodles couldn’t be found basically anywhere.

The comments at the bottom of the livestream are flying so fast and are in so many languages that I can’t even begin to keep up. While the rest of the members dig into their dishes, Ryo scans the screen, pointing out snippets of things he manages to see. Beside him, Chita talks between large bites of chicken, telling a story of something that happened backstage the night before, and Tang nearly snorts a noodle laughing at his version of events. Nikko is flanked by Lalo and Lux, and for just a second, I feel happy he’s sitting between the two people he’s closest to. I quickly notice he’s nibbling somewhat uninterestedly on a piece of bulgogi, and Lalo is watching him out of the corner of his eye. Lux nudges him a couple of times when everyone else is laughing, a cue for him to do the same.

The conversation gets chaotic pretty quick—a mix of rapid-fire Korean inside jokes, taunting each other, and Chita answering questions in both Korean and English, as well as some Japanese. I understand the appeal of these videos as I watch, walking slowly back to the house with my phone in one hand and Noel’s leash in the other. Each member clearly has his own approach to participation. Chita, Ryo, and Tang do the most talking and laughing, Lux acts cute doing silly faces and poses when he’s not stealing food off everyone else’s plates, and Lalo seems to prefer staying quiet, smiling at the antics of the rest of the group.

And then there’s Nikko. Since I’ve not seen him do one of these before, I don’t know if this is one of those situations where he sits back because he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t feel like he has to be so outgoing when the other guys are around to take the focus off of him, or if he’s just not feeling it tonight.

I’m not sure my assessment of how he looks or acts can be objective or unbiased by my own feelings right now. I’m upset and unhappy, and I fucking miss him. While I don’t want him to be miserable, there is a part of me that can’t stand the idea that he’d be totally unaffected by basically sending me away.

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