Page 62 of Teach Me K-Pop

As we get back to the house, it becomes obvious I’m not the only one who has picked up on Nikko’s sullen disposition. I’ve seen more than a few comments asking about him: Is he sick? Is he sad? Did he get hurt?

Lalo is the one who finally addresses it, asking him in Korean, “Nikko? You’re quiet tonight. You’re okay, right?”

“Of course, hyung,” Nikko replies, smiling at Lalo and then into the camera. “I am sorry, friends. I have not been sleeping much the last few nights,” he says.

Immediately the screen is flooded with exclamations of concern and inquiries as to what is keeping him up, as well as potential solutions to help him get more rest.

He bows in gratitude. “Thank you for your thoughts. I think I am just missing my… bed. I will sleep well tonight and dream of you all.”

The members tease him while the chat goes crazy, and everyone moves on, except me. I keep staring at my phone, Noel circling my feet, and all I can think is, can he not sleep like I can’t? Is he lying awake feeling alone like I do?

Does he wish I was there?

?? ???

“Bye. Be safe. See you in August,” I repeat, waving to each of the students who call out to me as they go running past the door of the library, headed out into their summer free from school.

I’m envious of the joy on their faces—the excitement they have to get out of here and spend days at the pool, on trips, lounging around gaming, or working first jobs where they’ll make questionable friends.

When the halls are finally empty, I turn to go back into my office so I can grab my own things and escape, but find Brenda standing next to me. I jump, surprised by her sudden presence, and she laughs, a condescending snort. “Uh. Hi.”

She gives me an intense look and reaches up to poke me in the chest. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you the past couple weeks, but sort your shit out before we get back here.”

“I. Um. Yeah. I’ll work on that,” I sputter, unnerved by everything about this interaction.

Brenda nods once and spins on her heel away from me, lugging her weird little rolling cart of miscellaneous things behind her.

“Have a good summer!” I say loudly and get absolutely no recognition from her. The fact that she ignored me actually makes me feel better, like things are still normal and there hasn’t been some weird cosmic shift in the universe that I need to worry about on top of everything else that’s been weighing me down.

Since I’d had the library workers help me pack up and complete the end-of-the-year checklist with me, I’m free to go as well. Leaving for the summer is always bittersweet for me, because as much as I like being able to sleep later, no meetings, and having a tiny bit of free time, I really miss the students.

Earlier in the day, Harper, Alita, and Savannah had come by to make me promise I would keep up my k-pop education and wow them with my knowledge when we returned. I wish I could have given them some kind of tidbit now, just as a thank you for what they’d unknowingly done for me. All three of them had hugged me before they left and for a moment, I didn’t feel so bad.

I do, however, believe I’ve been a terrible pet parent lately, so I dropped Noel off at doggy day camp this morning to spend some time with her yappy little friends. That gave me the opportunity to take a respite for myself in the afternoon.

I knew I needed to do something out of my ordinary routine, so I’d decided while getting ready this morning that I was going to take myself for a picnic by the lake. I wanted to sort through my thoughts, and the idea of sitting by the water to do that seemed like the right call.

Ever since Nikko and I daydreamed our alternate universes, I’ve been thinking a lot about the beaches in Busan, and how much I missed having fairly easy access to the sea. Being landlocked here is a bummer for me sometimes, but at least we have a couple decent lakes nearby.

Forty-five minutes later, I’m throwing an ugly ass blanket from my college days down in the shade of a giant tree, with a sandwich and sweet tea from my favorite cafe. All things considered, this is a pretty great place to have an intervention with myself. The sky is blue, the weather is nice, and I would give anything to be able to have Nikko here.

That’s just where my mind goes.

To him.

Always him.

I allow myself a few more minutes to go down that path as I eat my ham and cheese, imagining sitting with him and talking about anything and everything and nothing at all. Because that’s what we did. That’s how we were.

Were.

Past tense.

Could I really accept that? If I never speak to him again? If the last time I would ever see him in person was in the hotel room we shared together?

I should be the rational one here. I’m older than him. I’ve been broken up with before. I have experience. Not with anything like this, though, because I’ve never cared about anyone the way I do him.

I’ve never been in love like this.

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