Page 63 of Teach Me K-Pop

It’s not an epiphany or a revelation, knowing that I love him.

I knew from the moment he wrapped his arms around me in front of everyone in that green room.

I probably knew before that, when I’d found myself wondering if it was too soon, too new, too impossible.

Nothing in my life prepared me for this, for him. To meet someone who seemed like a dream, all the way across the world. For the way I’d feel like my whole life got turned upside down when he thanked me and dismissed me in the same breath.

I can’t stop wondering if I should have said I wasn’t leaving. If I should have put up a fight. If I could have made him talk things through with me or maybe changed his mind. If it’s too late for any of those things.

My phone dings with a notification; Nikko has posted something to social media. I snatch it up and jab at the screen, desperate to see anything he shares, even if it’s not just for me.

He’s done a photo dump—a collection of five images with a caption in English that says “these days.” The first slide is a book sitting on a chair, and I can tell from the cover that it’s an anthology by a Korean poet we both like. A shot of a city from a rooftop, followed by a photo of three of the most precisely packed suitcases I’ve ever seen. The next one is a selfie of him and Lux, each with a cream colored rose caught between their teeth. And the final one, the most devastating, is a picture taken from across a table with Nikko poised to take a bite—the cocoa-dusted custard and cookies of tiramisu unmistakable on his fork and the plate in front of him.

What was he thinking when he chose those? Did he expect me to see it? Did he want me to? The whole post feels kind of like it’s targeted, but also makes something in my chest flutter with hope. I understand each of those photos and where I fit in. The poet we spoke about, the view from our rooftop hideaway. The suitcases—which I can tell are his, Lux’s and Lalo’s—that he’s organized because there are no closets for him to rearrange. The roses I left him and the dessert I introduced him to.

I know him.

And I love him.

I wish that was enough.

??? ??

“Noel’s dad is here!” The front desk attendant at the doggy day care calls out over the walkie as I step through the door. “Noel from small camp, please.”

“Hey, Conner. Thanks,” I say, watching the dogs through the large windows that surround the lobby while I wait. Maybe I should think about a part-time job somewhere like this for the summer. I could totally hang out with dogs all day.

Conner picks up a call as it comes in, and I wander over to the rack of treats and toys recommended by the trainers at the camp, perusing in case there’s anything I think Noel might enjoy.

It only takes a second for my whole body to freeze in reaction to hearing it as I reach for a box of peanut butter treats shaped like palm trees. Nikko’s voice, echoing through the space as a RYSING song begins to play over the speakers. I know I flinch when I hear him sing the line from ‘fate (red string)’about recognizing someone even though you’ve never met them before.

Moving away from the display, I look around for someone to bring Noel to me so I can go have a breakdown in peace in my car.

“Here you go!” A tall girl with dark hair approaches, Noel wiggling in her arms. “Sorry that took a sec; she wasn’t ready to leave Daya.”

I take Noel from her, letting her lick me a few times before she chills out. “Who’s Daya?” I ask, fully expecting a worker in the play yard.

“She’s new. A pomsky. Super cute. I think Noel is in love with her,” the girl giggles.

I chuckle. “Well, good for her. I’ll have to bring her around more so they can hang out.”

“Yay! We love having Noel here, so that’d be great for everyone!” she tells me, then bounces off to take care of someone else who has come in.

Noel and I make our way outside, and I open the door to let her hop in before dropping down behind the wheel to take a moment.

I can’t get away from him.

I don’t want to, but I also justcan’t.

Even when I’m not seeking him out, he’s there.

I know I can’t keep doing this. I’m not good at pretending things are fine. I never have been, and I certainly can’t now, not when I’ve fallen this hard.

I take a deep breath, pull my phone out of my pocket, and open up the chat I have going with Kija. Type out the words, then stare at them a bit. Debate if I should send this or not. Put it out there in the world. Make it real. No, make it official. I know it’s real. If it wasn’t, my heart wouldn’t hurt like this.

I delete the text. Set my phone down in the cupholder and close my eyes for a moment. I can hear Noel turning around on the seat beside me, getting comfortable.

Maybe I need to get it out before I choke on it.

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