Page 75 of Teach Me K-Pop

I glare at Lux, who at least has the decency to mouth an apology. What happened in those rooms is definitely not up for discussion. “You know that I had regrets about sending Jase away. When he came to see me at our last stop, we decided…”

“He was there? Where? When?” Chita still seems incredulous that so much has occurred without him noticing, as he usually does not miss a single move any of us make.

Now determined to get this out, I keep talking. “We decided we want to try to have a real relationship. So we are going to figure out how to make it work. I love him. I know he feels the same. I hope you all will be happy for me.” I stop, suddenly overwhelmed by how much I want them to think this is not crazy. “I need you to be happy for me.”

“Of course we’re happy for you, Nikko-yah,” Lalo says, looking around the table for others to agree with him.

“You know we are,” Ryo tells me, ruffling my hair. “We make jokes because we are your brothers, but we also want to protect you. We can see you are in good hands with him.”

Chita nods. “I’m sorry I haven’t been more attentive. Or maybe you didn’t want the attention. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide. We like him, and we want you to have what makes you happy. And we know he does.”

I wipe at my eyes, trying to keep the tears that I can feel building from escaping. “Thank you,” I whisper.

“Not to be that guy, but how are you going to do this? He’s in America, and you aren’t,” Tang points out, being exactly that guy.

“I know. We have a lot of things to figure out, but we will get there, I think. I know I want to be with him and that is worth everything to me,” I tell them.

“Everything?” Chita asks, his normally cheerful face very serious. “I have no problem doing what I can to help you, but we can’t control everything. The distance will be hard, but it might bemoredifficult when you are together. Especially if he comes to see you in Seoul. You know there are always people watching, waiting. You can’t just go out together or have him over. Everything you try to do with him will have to be carefully arranged.”

“I know.” And I do. I have been thinking about it since I first said the word “boyfriend.” My nearly non-existent personal life has always come second to my professional life, when they were not completely intertwined. So much of what we do is filmed and shared with the world that our fans see the majority of our lives, often in real time. This need to keep things separate, hidden, is very new to me. “We know idols have relationships. If they can figure it out as two celebrities, should it not be easier when one of us is not famous?”

Tang frowns. “Look what has happened when they’ve been exposed, though. Do you really want to have to write a letter of apology to VOX because you fell in love?”

“And that’s what happens when it’s a straight couple,” Ryo comments. “But two men? Lee Jaehyun and his American rockstar managed to get through it, but I can’t imagine it was easy for either of them.”

I remember that night vividly, hearing that another idol had been outed. The fear that I had felt, not only for Jaehyun at that moment, but also for myself and the others like us. A reminder that everything can change, could fall apart, in an instant. While Jaehyun and Raphael survived the storm and are still together, I do not know that I believe everyone else would be so lucky.

“Can we give him a chance?” Lalo interjects. “He came to us to share a big event in his life and asked us to be happy. Going to a worst case scenario is not helpful.”

As always, my gratitude for him is immense. “Thank you.”

The others say, “Sorry,” but I don’t want that. “I’m not looking for apologies. I just wanted you to know what was going on, because you’ve been with me the whole way. From the first time you teased me about him until now. Jase is the most important person to me outside of the ones in this room. All I want is to be able to have all of you in my life.”

Everyone nods, murmuring some kind of agreement that I can and will be able to have that

“Is Jase going to move to Seoul?” Lux asks, grabbing and squeezing my arm. “That would make sense, right? You’re here, and his best friend is here already.”

“I do not know. He might consider that,” I say, gently prying his fingers off me. “I would love to have him close, but if I need to be the one that finds my way to him sometimes, I will do that.”

Lalo gives me a little smile and a gaze that just feels fond, like he is proud of me. “You’ve put a lot of yourself into this already, Nikko. So has Jase. I think you both have to try whatever you can to see what you can make of this.”

I want to make a life with him. I am not sure how that would look or if it could be possible yet, but I know that’s what I want.

“Tell him to come to Seoul,” Ryo demands. “Tell him I will cook for him.”

“Can I take him shopping? Please? I just want to give him a little makeover,” Lux mentions casually and I’m offended on Jase’s behalf.

As the others begin suggesting all the things they want to do if Jase were to come to Seoul, I feel lighter, brighter than I have since I returned home. I’ve missed him so badly, but it is so easy to imagine Jase here, in the middle of all of this.

Everyone I care about most around the same table.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

JASE

“Ithought it would be… bigger.”

Kija frowns at me. “I do not have to let you stay here.”

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