Page 56 of The Banned Books Club

“I think that’s it,” Sheldon announced, coming up behind Matthew.

Matthew craned his neck to look up at his father. “Are you leaving, Daddy?”

“Yep.”

“Can I go with you?”

Margot knew Sheldon wouldn’t take him, but if he did... She couldn’t even consider that.

“You’re not old enough. I’ll take you when you’re fourteen or fifteen.”

“Go turn on the TV,” she told him. “I’m about finished with Daddy’s lunch. I’ll start on your breakfast next.”

As Matthew slipped past him to go to the living room, Sheldon came to the counter and snagged half a sandwich before she could put it in a baggie. “Are you hungry?” she asked. “I thought you said you had cereal.”

Stuffing most of the sandwich into his mouth, he talked around it. “I did, but there’s no reason I can’t have this, too.”

As she watched him chew, she thought about having shared almost fifteen years of her life with him. She’d borne his children. She should feel more of a sense of loss... But there were only nerves, the butterflies in her stomach that made it so difficult to eat. She was going to turn her whole life upside down, do something he’d never expect from her.

“Here you go,” she said when she’d packed the rest of the food in a cooler. “I cut up some apples, too.”

“I doubt anyone will want an apple.”

She drew a deep, steadying breath. “You can leave them here, if you want. I’ll feed them to the kids.”

“Naw,” he said with a shrug. “I’ll take them just in case.”

There was no gratitude, just entitlement. But this would be the end of it, she promised herself. “Okay.” She lifted the cooler for him. “Have a good time.”

He gazed down at her. “What? No goodbye kiss?”

Unless he wanted sex, he’d pretty much quit touching her. He’d never been a particularly demonstrative person, but even the small amount of affection she’d been clinging to early on was nearly nonexistent these days. “Oh, of course.”

She rose up on tiptoe, but he held her off. “What’s going on with you?”

Her heart leaped into her throat as she dropped her arms instead of putting them around him. “What do you mean?”

“You’re acting weird—remote, like a fucking robot.”

“I—I’m going through a hard time with...with my mother,” she stammered. “I’m just...trying to keep functioning.”

He squinted slightly as he stared down at her. “And that business about Cece? Asking me if I’d rather be married to her?”

She focused on her mother, on the fact that she’d very likely never see Ida again, which made it easy to conjure up tears. They were already just below the surface today. “I thought... I thought you didn’t love me anymore.”

He shocked her by pulling her into his arms and resting his chin on her head. “Of course I still love you. I’d never give up on us. It’syougiving up that I sometimes worry about.”

The lump in her throat grew so big she couldn’t speak. Shehadgiven up; she’d given up months ago. But that didn’t mean she didn’t mourn the loss of what they could’ve had—and had almost achieved in the early years.

After a few moments, he held her away from him so he could look into her face. “Are you going to be okay while I’m gone?”

A tear slid down her cheek, and he actually smiled at her as he wiped it away. “Everything’s going to be okay. You’ll see.”

She nodded. Then he grabbed the cooler and carried it out.

She stood in the kitchen, listening to his truck as he pulled out of the drive and headed down the street. Even after the sound had grown so dim she couldn’t hear it anymore—so she knew he was gone—she felt frightened, unsteady. Once she left, there’d be no coming back. Was she equal to the challenge of all that lay ahead?

It didn’t feel like it. But that was why she had to go now. In a week, a month, a year there might not be enough of the old Margot left.

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