Page 117 of Ink & Ambition

He nods his head toward the door. “Let’s go.”

“Why did you bring me here? A little morbid, don’t you think?”

After asking a few million questions on the way, I slowly started to quiet down once I realized where he was taking me. Parking the car directly next to the bridge, he gets out without a single word, urging me to follow.

We walk down to the edge of the lake, close enough to smell the fresh water but not in any danger of accidentally fallingin. I’ve done my time in those germ-infested waters, I have no intention of ever going back in there.

“What’s your last happy memory of her? Of your Mom?”

“Why are you asking me this?” Had he overheard my conversation with Drew last week? My father never talks about my mom. Ever.

“Just indulge me, please.”

For a moment, I’m quiet. Looking behind me, I spot a flat patch of grass and sit down on it, shocking my father who then surprises me by joining me on the lawn, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“A trip to Oceanside. We stayed at some shitty resort, where we all shared one room.” Oliver gives me a glance as if to scold me for my language but ultimately resists. I continue on. “Early in the morning, Mom woke me up and snuck me out of the room while you guys were sleeping. We walked along the beach until the sun rose and she told me about all the things I could do with my life.”

Oliver sighs heavily. “What kind of things?”

“I’m not sure the specifics but I remember some of them being pretty outlandish. Like an astronaut or a king,” I laugh at the memory.

“A king,” my father laughs with me, as if remembering a thought of his own. “Yes, she always had the craziest ideas.”

I fall silent again, sensing that father is not done speaking. In fact, it feels like he’s just beginning.

“Your mother was my greatest joy,” he starts. “And she was my greatest pain.”

He pauses but I know better than to interrupt him right now. I’ll give him as much time as he needs to get through this.

“On her good days, she would radiate positivity and light. Adventure after adventure. She’d dress us all up, drag us around town. She loved showing you boys off to the neighbors. It waslike nothing I’ve ever seen, her love for you boys. Brought me to tears more than a few times.

“And that made it all the more difficult on her bad days. Tantrums and shouting. She’d lock herself in our room and not let me in for hours, and I’d pace back and forth hoping to god that she wasn’t hurting herself.

“The day that she…” his voice trails off. “When she died, I felt like a piece of me died right along with her. For years, I collapsed into myself.”

“I know,” I said, unthinkingly. I don’t mean to make him feel bad but I can’t ignore the need to tell him how his reaction affected me and Drew. “We know.”

My dad runs a hand down his face. “None of this was supposed to happen. She was supposed to love me and you boys. She was supposed to take care of us but instead, she let her demons get the better of her.

“And I…I did the same. I pulled away from you. I let you raise Drew because I didn’t know if I could do it properly without her. I pushed you toward a career with me because I thought having you at work would bring us closer. Bond us. But I know you don’t want that, Alex. I’ve always known.”

Oliver looks over and for once it’s like he’s looking at me rather than through me. It’s the most honest we’ve ever been with each other and I hope beyond hope that it’s a turning point in the right direction.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“It’s hard for me to talk about her. To talk about the ways I failed you.”

“You haven’t failed me, dad. I understand. I was going through it, too.”

I want to reach out and grab his hand or pat his back–something to let him know I’m here and I’m listening–but I keep my hands folded on my lap. This seems like a breaking point,the most emotional we’ve ever been with each other. I need to speak up. If I can’t speak up for myself and push back against my father’s control, then I couldn’t possibly be the man Margot needed me to be, anyway. If I can’t have a say in my own future then I don’t deserve to be a part of hers.

It’s now or never.

“Dad,” I start, taking a very deep breath in. “I don’t want to work at Prescott Cars.”

“I know. You don’t want to work with your old man.”

“Is that what you think? Dad, it has nothing to do with working with you. I have no interest in working in an office at all.”

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