Page 45 of Ink & Ambition

Once again, Alex is late to class, and I start to think I might have the wrong idea about his punctuality habits. He’s not nearly as stealthy this time as he slides into his seat and drops his bag loud enough that people in the nearby seats look at the commotion. Professor Walker stands in the front of the room, discussing the importance of outlining our speeches. I’m taking copious notes, of course.

“Don’t even think about it,” I say without looking up from my notes.

“Think about what?” Alex feigns innocence.

“You aren't copying my notes. Come to class on time.”

Alex gasps. “Sun–”

“Shush,” I huff, straining to hear what the teacher said about speech times.

Alex shuts up for approximately ten seconds before he says, “What’s got your panties in a twist?”

I roll my eyes but continue to ignore him. Well, as best I can ignore a massive frat boy who’s trying to peek over my shoulder and copy what I’m writing.

“Oh I got it. You’re freaking out about the podcast, aren’t you?”

In all the craziness of Sunday, I was almost able to forget that Alex and I are going live with the first episode of our podcast today after class. I couldn’t forget entirely though, especially when Alex wrote:T-minus two hours!on the top of my note page. When I looked at him with trepidation, I am met only with a brilliant smile.

“I’m not freaking out. I’m just nervous,” I say, my voice small.

Alex puts his hand on my leg for a second before removing it quickly. “There’s nothing to be nervous about, sunshine. We did a great recording this weekend and I think it’s gonna be a huge hit!”

I scoff but not in a mean way. “Of course you do, campus hottie número uno.”

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that? In fact, give me your phone, I’m changing my contact name.” He holds his hand out to me, but I just slap it away with a small giggle.

After class, Alex and I walk in tandem toward the library where we’ve basically got a standing appointment in Study Room G6. I’m in there almost every day but on Mondays, Alex joins me. Edith seems used to this by now and has stopped giving me those knowing glances.

“You ready, sunshine?” Alex chooses the chair directly next to mine today so we can look at the computer together. Nathan helped us queue up the video on our website so all we have to do is hituploadand we are good to go. I suggested that we complete our planning session first and then hit the “publish” button right before leaving the library but Alex was having none of that.

Hovering the mouse over the “publish” button, I rest my fingertip, ready to hit it. All the confidence in the world. Ready to show everyone the funny, clever thirty minute episode of Alex and I talking and answering questions. Of Alex and I bantering and laughing. Of us being open and honest. Ready to show…

“Wait,” I say, moving my hand away from the computer and gripping both palms under the table. “Once we do this, we can’t take it back.”

“And that scares you?” Alex asks, in a curious way. I only nod but he edges me on. “Because…”

“Because…” I start but close my mouth again. How do I explain to Alex that this is the most I’ve put myself out there, ever, and I feel the fear of rejection down into my bones. How do I tell him that I’m terrified that he’ll feel differently about me if this fails?

“Because I can’t fail.” Myself. My family. Him.

Alex reaches under the table and pulls my hands apart with his larger one. He grips my hand in his palm and holds firm. “I told you once that I’d never let you fall and now it’s time for you to take my word for it. Do you trust me?”

When I meet his eyes, I can’t help but hesitate slightly, thinking about how he left me in the lurch last night. But I surprise myself by answering with a nod.

Alex smiles and it hits his eyes in a way that almost makes me draw an extra breath. “Hit that button, sunshine.” He nods toward the computer. I keep my left hand in his as I move my right to hover over the “publish” button once more.

One deep breath.

One press of the keyboard.

Published.

Alex squeezes my hand, and I actually feel a sigh of relief. And then I immediately change the tab to my question document. I hear him chuckle beside me but he doesn’t fight me on the move.I just know I can’t sit there and watch the views rack up, or worse, not rack up.

Alex and I spend the next hour scrolling through questions and outlining our podcast for Saturday. Just as I’m typing up the last bit of banter for our script, I hear the faint sound of scraping on wood. Next to me, Alex is using the pen I gave him in speech class to etch something into the table.

“What are you doing? That’s school property!”

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