Page 14 of London, Love, & A Little Something Irish

I set my camera down beside me.

Just then, my phone rings. It’s Joy.

“Hey girl! How are you?” I say, answering.

“Hey! I’m good! Just thought I’d check in on you about team night later. I know Joel’s not around, so I figured we could meet up and go together?”

“That sounds great!”

“How are you feeling with him away?”

I sigh.

“Uh-oh, that bad?” she says.

“I was actually just sitting here thinking throughit. Things have been so off with him being in California. Honestly, they were a little off before he left, but now... it’s like he barely texts. Barely calls. Surely if he really cared, he’d want to know what I’m up to?”

“Yeah, that sounds totally weird. Something’s not right there.”

“I’m also thinking about that list I wrote once upon a time…you know, the list of things I want in the guy I marry.”

“The one your parents inspired you to write?”

“Yeah, that one. I know it’s not some sort of magical list but... it matters. It helps me know what I’m actually looking for.”

Number one on that list: muscles. (Yes, really.) Joel… does not have muscles. I don’t have a long list of requirements when it comes to looks, but this one’skind ofnon-negotiable. Can you blame a girl if broad shoulders and biceps make her swoon? I didn’t put this one on the list, really, but I’ve always imagined being with someone I could tilt up to kiss—reaching for his neck while standing on tiptoe. Joel’sbarelytaller than me.

But the thing that really threw me off the other day? One of the things I actually did put on that list: I want a man who pays attention to me. A man who wants to hear whatever I have to share. And the other day, Joel and I were on the DLR, and I was telling him something. I can’t even remember what it was now—when, in the middle of me talking, he picked up his phone and stayed on it for a fullten minutesbefore even noticing I’d stopped talking. He apologized after a while, but like…come on.

“If I’m remembering right, he doesn’t really fit your list entirely,” Joy says gently.

“It’s just so hard,” I say, voice trailing. “He’s a nice guy. Our relationship is comfortable. We laugh together. We have good times...”

But is it that head-over-heels, butterflies-for-breakfast, sing-in-the-shower love? No. It’s not anywhere near that. I’m getting doubtful about my place in this relationship and whether I should even be in it. I can’t stop wondering if I’m staying because it’s comfortable. Because it’s familiar. Not because it’s right.

On paper, it sounds like an easy decision. But choosing the unknown? Leaving the familiar behind? It’s not as simple as it sounds. Even when things feel unsettled... stepping into uncertainty takes guts. Even if things feel unsettled at the moment… I need to take my time to really think about this.

“I get that, girl. Just don’t settle. That’s not you.”

“I know. Thanks for looking out for me. I’m looking forward to team night!”

“Me too! I’m on my way home from uni now—I’ll see you at the station around 7?”

“Perfect. See you then!”

I’m so focused on my phone, scrolling away, that I forget—my camera’s still sitting next to me. I glance up to the notice board and see my DLR is arriving. I sprint up the escalator and make the train by a breath.

And that’s when it hits me. I didn’t grab my camera. I left it on the seat when I decided I needed to be the Flash to make it in time for the DLR.

Oh no. No no no no no. NO.

Why do I do these things to myself?!

I get off the DLR at the next stop, heart racing, and catch another train to double back to Canning Town. Desperately hoping my camera’s still sitting there.

But when I get there—it’s gone. Of course it’s gone. Bad things happen in the world, I get it. I wouldn’t entirely call myselfnaive. I’m just optimistic. And maybe I waswaytoo optimistic that my camera bag would be sitting there beautifully ripe for me to pluck right into my hand 15 minutes later in London. A capital city of the world. But I’ve heard of more impossible things happening.

I talk to the TFL staff, I call up lost and found, but it’s hopeless. My camera isgone.

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